Status 1-23-15*
GARDENS AND NATURE can certainly improve my mood. Yesterday, I realized the mini-vacation to Ventura had lifted my mood, but that my return home snapped it back down into the dumps. So off I took myself to Descanso Gardens before my therapy appointment. As I said yesterday, I was hoping to find an old fashioned calendar so I can write all of my schedule on it vs. on my dang phone. I can’t help it, love me some paper art with littles squares for dates. I was in luck and they had one on sale at the garden gift shop. So I saved a few dollars and also helped support the garden.
I’m holding my fine new 2015 calendar featuring beautiful organic veggie photos. Cool!
I also shot some video at Descanso which I hope to string together as a mini-feature for the Coffee Klatchers some time this week. I like to make these, so it is something to look forward to.
Even so, I’m finding myself again, feeling guarded and starting to isolate. It is harder and harder to record or to write my feelings. But I push through for now and this was part of my discussion in therapy.
Today
VOICE ACTING REHEARSAL and HIKING for fun is on my morning agenda. I will Rock Out to some kind of music up the mountain (Sending an IG message to Soph as usual), and then just spend some time alone in contemplation. I have much to think about. The show is coming up on its one year anniversary. Birthdays and Anniversaries can be a time to celebrate as well as to review. I’m really pondering the show right now and where it is going, is it still valuable to me, is it making my life better or harder? It seems so many BCs have moved on and maybe it is time I moved on too. But to what? To change the direction of the show like Alen did with his? Wrap it up and move on to other projects? Is this ME telling myself these things or is it the depression talking?
That’s a hard one. Chicken and egg territory.
In therapy, I agreed it is not time to make a decision like this. It is time to remain on my path until I have more clarity about the brave and right thing for me. But I am in flux. I’m sad. I’m not sure.
I do know that without the show, I would have just gone on another diet last year and lost some weight. And I would have binged all year, and exercised to fight the extra calories, and been obsessed with that journey. This year I was obsessed with finding out what’s under my food obsession and behavior. I was hoping I could also get thin that way, but alas, no. But I am thinner than this time last year by a little bit, and my weight didn’t swing wildly, so that’s a plus. But I do so miss the comfort of the diet/exercise. Such an easy thing to “make my life better”, I don’t mean the doing of it, but the decision and the direction. Without body change in the equation, it is much tougher to get down to “what would make me happier, or give my life more meaning”.
Yes, a good day for thought. Right before I did Daily Adventure Tales, on the mountain I strongly heard in my own still voice, that I should start a podcast. I KNEW in my heart that was my path. I didn’t know what or how or why, but I knew it was what I should do. And I met all of you BCs and changed my life forever. Whatever happens, I have been changed for the better. I’m hoping the mountain will be in a talkative mood today.
Then I’ll spend time on my singing and prepping my voice acting parts for class tomorrow. It is great that I found these two new loves and was brave enough to let myself go for them.
How about you?
Please feel free to comment on MY statuses or add YOUR OWN thoughts, feelings, challenges, rants and raves on these pages too. That was one of the original purposes of why I posted on FB. I thought BCs might like to share about THEIR days. So if you have thoughts and feelings you’d like to share with the group, go ahead and put them here with your comments.
*Daily statuses are not part of the blog’s email notification. When you enter your email under where it says SUBSCRIBE TO POSTS VIA EMAIL, you will be notified of regular blog posts and when podcast episodes are released. I didn’t want to clog your inbox with my daily statuses. However, the automatic publicize feature will inform you on my show FB page, my AdventureLaurie twitter account, google+ on its show page, and Tumblr.
Body Balance
BB (Body Balance) number 7 Sleep: 6 hours divided (pretty good quality, both). Tummy/Gut: Gut feels full and I feel very puffy. Not Hungry within one hour of waking, but will eat small pre-hike breakfast anyway. Energy: Moderate. Mood: Sad/Reflective.
BB is my personal criteria, and I don’t think too hard about it. I ask myself at the keyboard, what is my BB? A number between 1-10, including halves, pops into my head. I write it in my post Then I figure out why it is higher or lower and gently make note.
If you are interested these are my measures.
- Sleep. Quality and Amount.
- Tummy/Gut – If I ate what my body asked for, usually above and below the belly button feel balanced. Ate too much, below the belly button feels more full. Ate too little, the reverse.
- Am I hungry within 1 hour of waking? I have found that I feel best if I am hungry within 1 hour of waking. This tends to make my eating day even and not heavy on food in the evening. But I don’t eat if not hungry unless I’m about to ride or hike. I’ve learned I need to fuel these morning activities, or I’ll bonk.
- What is my energy level? Subjective, but telling.
- A quick look at my mood.
The Bravery Coach
TheBraveryCoach daily tweet is a morning mediation on how I either did, or can incorporate an aspect of bravery into my day. It is cheerful. It is esteem building. Those who want to follow these on Twitter may, by searching for the hashtag #bravery or by seeing my profile:
Happy G’day my friend.
Pretty deep thinklings for you today.
Whatever you do I support understand and am soooooooo thankful I became friends with you because that will withstand (I hope) if….. You choose to move on to other adventures and start a new chapter in your life. Compulsive overeating diary is a wonderful place… Blog… Podcast…& has brought me greatness, however I know… As im in it right now that new chapters are awesome too
Hugs and loves to you laurie and I hope no matter what you do. What path you ‘ride’ we stay connected. You’ve become like a ‘fake’ mom confidon to me. I value and appreciate you immensely.
Hi Dawny, I’m just in that kind of mood. No decisions for awhile, just pondering – I’m just saying 😉 Thanks for your support and I’m double happy that your new job and chapter are working out. I’m SOooo thrilled for you.xoxoxoxoxo
It’s a strange health day for me. I went from really sick, nose dripping, muscle hurting, high fever and headache to all of it completely gone within hours. Thanks to sinus drugs. What the hell do they put in there? I am a little too hyper and not liking the feeling. I am going to go run it off right after I am done writing this, I hate the mood alterations of these drugs. Is this my body??? It’s the strangest of feelings.
Well dear Laurie, like Dawny said…. Do what’s best for you. 100% supportive of whichever decision you make. You are wise to wait a more lucid time to make such a decision because it is a big one. – but then again, everything happens for a reason. You know how we sometimes don’t listen to subtle messages our body and mind send us – and our body makes sure we get the message with some physiological symptoms? Maybe this depression is a way for your body to tell you something you have shoved away in the back of your mind.
Oh well. Don’t put too much thinking into my 2 cent analysis. It’s the drugs talking,OR it’s me, projecting my own sickness, into your story.
Dearest Lauri. I don’t comment because I feel like I have to.!? I comment because I like to. LOL and I have stuff to stay. LOL and I care about you and what you have to say.
Cool beans. xoxoxoxox
Laurie,
Oh, I can feel your angst and turmoil and I feel for you, being in a difficult place right now. I can relate to being in a low place, and feeling anxiety and indecision. You have demonstrated so much over the past year that you are growing so much in terms of knowing what is right for you and taking a positive stance about it. I’m sure when you feel clear about your next step, you will feel more at peace. I know at the moment you are treading the waters of depression, which makes everything harder to deal with. I hope you can feel my and the other BC’s love and support for you.
I’m so very glad that you feel your past year has been overall a journey of positive change. I feel privileged I got to come along. And I’m ready to journey with you and BCs further, if that continues to be an option. You have made a difference in my life, Laurie. Thank you.
Suz
Thanks Suz for stepping up with some Laurie Love today xoxoxox I know you understand the trickiness of wrestling with decisions in the middle of depression. It’s like being lost in a hall of mirrors. For now, I’m literally focusing one hour at a time on what I’m trying to accomplish in that hour and setting aside time to ponder so the thoughts won’t overwhelm me. Thanks again, my friend xoxoxoxoxox
Hi there Laurie. Just saying hello again after a bit of a break. Have now caught up with all the episodes. Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. I’m sure things will improve over time and you will start to feel better about yourself. I always think of the words in the song by Ronan Keating ‘Life is a rollercoaster,just got to ride it’. You have come a long way over the year of Podcasting. Did you ever dream how it would’ve turned out and all the lovely people you have met on the way? I feel privileged to have discovered you. They say things happen for a reason and the law of attraction and all that.
Best wishes and lots of virtual hugs from me.
xxx
Hi Rachel, Wow, congrats on making it all the way through the episodes! Hooray! It’s time for your certificate of completion.
Thanks too for the encouragement. To answer you, no, I never dreamed that the podcast would grow to include so many people from all of the world. Imagine, each of us in our down times, thinking that ANYONE would care to listen to that. No, I never thought anyone in the world would like to know what’s really under my helpful, funny, mask. It has been so amazing and freeing. A miracle in my life. Thanks for the hugs and right back attcha! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo