We’re filled with the holiday glow as we get down to the LA River bike path for a quick 15 miles.

First the Good News

• Tiger the Cat’s blood work came back and he’s in good shape. So his health crisis seems to be on the back burner for now. Phew!
• Despite my plantar fasciitis Mark and I are back on track with our bike training for my birthday 50-mile race in March.
• I drove the new truck down to the local park to record the last show and felt happy driving it.

Now the other

In my last show, I read a blog post where I shared my anxiety about having a perfect new truck, and even mentioned in a comment to BC Dave that,

What’s weird, at the same time I hope Mark will get a ding on it, so I can relax.

Well guess what? Right after I drove new beauty home safe and sound, Mark took it out to drive to the hardware store to buy a tool for a project “I asked him to do“, and he got REAR FREAKING ENDED by a distracted driver.

Holy Son of a GUN!

We don’t even have the license plates for this truck yet and it is dinged a plenty.

Oh man, my compulsive, critical mind went into overdrive telling me that this accident was my fault. My responsibility, that I “Wished it” into existence. That “I asked Mark to do the project”. Yada Yada Yada.

That if ONLY I’d kept a constant, vigilant, positive attitude, this accident would NOT HAVE HAPPENED!

Ok BCs, I know in my rational mind, that stuff just happens. That this was an accident, and my wishes and anxiety had nothing to do with this lady’s distraction nor her lack of leaving proper space between vehicles.

Mark was driving safely and he got hit.

He is feeling well so far, so that is a blessing. The truck still runs, so that is a blessing. The distracted driver is actually insured, so that is a blessing.

But this whole incident points out to me how insidious my inner sense of control and responsibility can be. No wonder I’m exhausted but can’t sleep. If my compulsive, perfectionist mind had it’s way, I would be living in a padded house with no corners and the cats would NEVER be out of my vision and I would never dare eat food I didn’t grow and cook my own darn self.

How did this crazy feeling of control develop?

All I know is that it is tied to false safety. Like if I worry enough, I’m keeping everyone safe. Like there is a cosmic bank that adds up my efforts and spits out safety and success. And if either of these are lacking, than it is my fault. I obviously have not controlled events or put enough angst out there to protect us.

Now this is counter to all that’s out there today about maintaining peaceful, positive minds and manifesting good for yourself, your family and the world. This is a nice, positive thought that DRIVES ME CRAZY! Why? Because when crap manifests, obviously, I am not positive enough!

BCs, I am so sorry that Mark’s truck got hit.

But after reading these thoughts, I’m glad it’s shone a light into another nook of my compulsive attitude that needs to be let go of. What you focus on might influence your own behavior, but magic thinking for good or evil, is just another form of Robot Alien.

Positive thinking helps your blood pressure, your attitude, and keeps you smiling. And smiling influences others around you to be positive with you. But it does not keep your truck safe on the road. Defensive driving skills helps there, but even that is no guarantee if a driver is distracted.

So many things outside of our control. So many things we can do to help ourselves lead happier, more meaningful lives. Like the famous prayer in 12 step programs, give me the wisdom to know the difference.