This beer is SANTA size. I had no idea when we agreed to the large, that THIS is what it meant. Too big for me to drink all of it, could barely lift it. But it made me laugh and I loved our start to the night.

Life isn’t always what you expect

Mark and I had SO much fun last year Christmasing in Solvang, that we planned to return this holiday. BUT a series of bumps in the road drained our holiday savings and made us need to be nearer to home. At first we glumly thought to go get a Charlie Brown Christmas tree and make do with leftovers in our fridge for Christmas dinner.

There’s usually options

BUT we live very near to downtown Burbank, so it’s a quick drive. And I remembered that I have some frequent stayer hotel points that would get us a room for free. So we packed up our Christmas train from last year and headed out for an impromptu Christmas Eve.

Christmas morning for me – blogging in front of our holiday train that we got on last year’s Christmas trip.

Stop 1 – Beer and Bar Food

We usually don’t have the luxury of stopping off for happy hour. And many of the restaurants in downtown Burbank were closed for the holiday (good for them!). But we saw Gordon Biersch was open, so we popped in. We ordered large beers to save money – but OMG! This beer (which is my top photo) was so big I couldn’t lift it. So we laughed, I leaned over to sip what I could and enjoyed my first order of wurst sliders in memory of my dad, who LOVED German food.

Stop 2 – Enjoy the Town Decor

We didn’t have any plans, but decided to walk around enjoying the holiday spirit. Long time since we wandered hand in hand. Usually our adventures involve hiking with poles or riding bikes. This was kind of romanic and fun!

We stop to snap a pic in front of the Burbank town tree before the movie.

Stop 3 – We decide to see a movie we knew NOTHING about

One of our writing friends, Gabe, had strongly recommended The Big Short on FB. As we passed the movie theater, we saw a showing was about to start. So in we went!

Snuggled up getting ready to watch The Big Short – not usual holiday fare, but a surprisingly entertaining and educational film about the fall of subprime mortgages. Recommended!

For once we didn’t eat popcorn either. We wanted to save room for a late dinner, in case any restaurant would be open after.

Stop 4 – Thank you Market City!

The good folks at market city took pity on us and let us in a whopping 5 minutes before the end of dinner service. Having been in the restaurant biz, I know what a pain THAT is, but all of the servers and cooks were wonderful and we thanked them mightily for providing a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner.

After the movie we have fancy Merry Cherry Cosmos and a late supper

Enjoying our late Christmas Eve supper at Market City in Burbank – I LOVE the decorations – we didn’t decorate this year, so we depend on the decorations of others.

Stop 5 – Back to our holiday port in the storm

Time for the mistletoe! Mark and I return to our Christmas home away from home and take a last snap before letting sugar plums dance in our heads.

Stop 6 – Christmas Day in Burbank

Lovely Christmas view to wake up to!

Our tiny stockings are hung by the hotel door with care (Thanks writing group leader Samantha for giving us these cute little stockings)

Now as I finish up this post and click send, we will pack our things, bid our holiday adventure adieu, but savor these unexpected memories forever.

However you celebrate we wish you joy and happiness, not only for the holidays, but for every day.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Tiger looking THRILLED to have his cat-mama dress him up in holiday splendor. Hmmm, is this the equivalent of the crying kid Santa Photo?

Holidays are CRAZY busy!

OMG, my calendar is filled, filled, filled to the brim with events, shows, classes, meetups, dinners, friends, and other items of personal growth and holiday cheer. (I’ll let you GUESS what has fallen OFF the calendar – no, not the show, I still update THAT about once a month – it’s MY MORTIFYING DUSTY HOUSE OF HORRORS!. I just can’t seem to get my rear in gear to get the dust out of our house. Between Mark being sick, ME being sick, Mark being sick, and my preparation for tomorrow’s comedy show and various voice auditions, I am whacked and bushed!

I don’t even have kids (outside of the cat babies, and frankly, THEY are pretty easy in the gift department – can of food, extra pets, a good brushing – they’re set) and I’m STILL frantic with finding empty spots in the calendar.

Frantic Can Call the Robot Aliens

One way I can tell the frantic is on the rise, is the increasing gravitational pull of chips. Yes, BCs, I have been feeling ‘Chippy’ lately – and NOT because they are delicious! The drive to nosh on crunchy salty things is a big tell. LAURIE SLOW THE HECK DOWN!

So I slashed some events from the calendar, made room for my needed practice for tomorrow’s comedy show, eliminated some voice auditions, rescheduled some sessions and prioritized exactly which rooms in the Dusty House of Horrors would give me the most bang for the buck.

Let me tell you that extra gift of time was the best thing ever – to stop my frantic, perfectionistic insanity AND to ponder what our lives are really made of.

Time is the Coin of Life

So often we get caught up in distraction and busyness and wishing our time away.

“I can’t WAIT until I’m thin”

“I can’t WAIT until my vacation”

“I can’t WAIT until my scary comedy show is over”

Can’t wait for WHAT? Living?

I realized I was rushing through my life, even though I am retired. It’s so part of our culture. Immediate answers, immediate distraction from live events by i-devices, immediate feedback. Then there’s auto hotel check-in, auto bill-pay, auto email response – auto everything. Where is my mind and choice in all of this?

Besides the light speed of daily living, I further pondered that I was rushing MYSELF to make progress. I wasn’t happy with my comedy nor my acting nor my intuitive eating progress. I want everything right now! And if my progress isn’t at the new normal light speed, I feel I’m losing ground instead of gaining. And if I’m going to lose ground, why not just give up?

AHA! One of THOSE moments!

When I review where my acting is now vs. one year ago, I am LIGHT YEARS ahead in improvement and ability. But that took many classes, many tears, many days of practice and boring vocal exercises and getting used to well worn rejection. When I look at the set I’m going to perform tomorrow at a REAL LIVE COMEDY CLUB, it is so much more funny, and good, and my delivery is eons past my start, and I’m hopeful tomorrow’s show will be fun instead of terrifying. But that took days and days and weeks and weeks of daily writing, being brave enough to listen to the audio recordings of my class delivery and being willing to risk an open mic. It took being able to hear feedback and not wilt. Hard for me as my perfectionist voice still tries to protect me from rejection and proving myself unworthy. When I review my reaction to chips and Robot Aliens, I see that yes, I had a few chips. But I didn’t have bags of chips. And I took it to be a sign I needed to slow down and smell the success. I needed to celebrate this season with gratitude for all I have and all I’m willing to try in order to grow and encourage others and myself. My inner perfectionist is even impressed. I’m becoming a perfect imperfectionist – and THAT my dear BCs, really takes time!

Happy holidays, and don’t forget to call in or send audio for the Dec. update show. Fionna may provide a new song, Dawny has already sent in some great jokes, and I’m sure many BCs would love to hear from you if you’d like to be part of our holiday soiree.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Here I am pointing to my new daily inspiration. I found this magnet in a cool, hippy dippy, zen store on my way to stand-up comedy class.

Close up of the inspiring fridge magnet I found.

Check out the wonderful poet and artist who made my inspiring magnet, Marylou Falstreau

So what does COMEDY have to do with it?

Well BCs, since last we spoke/wrote/thumbs-upped on Instagram to each other etc., I’ve been off being incredibly brave (or crazy) or maybe it’s the same thing? BESIDES live acting class, auditioning like mad for voice work and flitting around with laryngitis and other flu-like concerns, one of my voice actor friends persuaded me to join a beginning stand-up comedy class. You all know how I LOVE to tell funny stories, and often have an instinctual wit, so why not?

OMG!

Telling jokes off the cuff and writing jokes are not the same. Noooooooooooooo! This has been the hardest kind of writing I’ve ever pursued. I shared this fact with my story writing group.

“But Laurie you are HILARIOUS, you MUST be exaggerating. When’s your class showcase, we want to come!”

“Well guys, I’m NOT exaggerating when I say I SUCK AS A COMEDIAN and I have Noooooooo intention of letting you know when my class-required show is going to be. I’m hoping to slink on and off stage incognito.”

“Where are you taking comedy class?” one of my writing buddies asked innocently.

“Flappers”

“WhhhhaaaaHaaaaaHaaaa, Got you now! I know a person who works there, and I’ll find out.”

My buddy went on to mention the person in question who turned out to be my comedy teacher.

Blast!

I never thought in one million years that I would let anyone actually know the deets about my comedy workshop appearance. The Bravery Coach was not demonstrating the best form of courage right then. I was hoping to change the subject and get off of this track, which I did.

Soon after that I was struck dumb with laryngitis and had to miss one week of comedy class. Dang it! Now I’m behind in learning how to write and deliver my set and I’m freaking the heck out. My voice actor/comedy friend came to the rescue. She arranged that all of us beginner comedians go together to an open mic and watch the other comedians work out material. Two from my class were even brave enough to jump right up and do their material for the first time. So inspiring. The comedians that day killed and died and everything in between. They all got feedback and none of them fainted or had heart attacks or were carted off by Martians for being unfunny. They all had fun and so did we.

It made me stop to consider what was creeping me out so much?

When I podcast, I’m either reading your comments, or talking off the top of my head. When I’m voice acting, I have a script. I have not had to memorize anything since the head trauma from my bike accident. I’m terrified that I will just blank out. It isn’t even worry about being funny or not, though I would LOVE to be funny on stage, it is fear of the stutter and the brain freeze in front of all of those people.

Then I REALLY had a new thought, “Ok Laurie, if you ARE going to stutter and brain freeze in front of all of those people, wouldn’t it be better if the audience was filled with those who love and support you?”

Good point! I am so used to hiding my imperfections that it didn’t cross my mind that I need to be myself. I need to admit my comedy and invite my friends. I need to trust myself that I will live through whatever happens and it will make a grand story to share together one way or another.

So I’m putting myself on the bravery report because I just emailed a bunch of friends and admitted I’m doing stand-up and let them know that they are welcome to come view the spectacle. And even if not one person can make the performance, I will tell my jokes with pride, because I learned to be proud of who I am in this moment. And I hope all of you BCs are proud of who you are too.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Bonus Medical Intuitive Eating Update

I just got all of my test results back from my blood work and annual checkup. After one year of non-dieting, and next to no bingeing or diet mentality, my weight is slightly down, all of my numbers are excellent and I’m in better health than ever (excepting the laryngitis). I have to admit I feared the cough drops might have pumped up my blood sugar, but nope, better than it’s been in years. Cholesterol great, kidneys great, everything great. And this morning I felt like eating coffee cake so I made one, ate one small piece, put the rest away and forgot it. It struck me just how different this felt from last year. Nothing felt out of the ordinary. I haven’t eaten coffee cake for months and months. I haven’t even really been eating sweets outside of the cough drops. I naturally eat when I feel the energy dip without thinking about it at all. I stop easily. I don’t think about food until I’m hungry. The only time I crave food sometimes is from a passing good smell when I’m out and about. If it strikes me hard enough, I will on occasion get some of that tempting food, but usually I just shrug it off saying, “Hmm THAT smells good,” and go on with my day. When I started this experiment almost 2 years ago, I had no idea this is where I’d land. In fact one of my beginner comedian friends was working on a joke that he feared might be offensive to those with eating disorders and asked if any of us in the class had one. I started to raise my hand, and then I thought, “No I don’t. I don’t have an eating disorder anymore.”

Time to let go of my eating disorder identity and move on to being an actor/storyteller/comedian who weighs whatever she weighs and eats when she’s hungry. Not a bad thing to be.

PS. My comedy teacher told me I am NOT FAT ENOUGH to tell fat jokes. Made me mad at first, but then I realized just how crazy that was. I’m not fat enough to be a fat comedian. I’ll just have to be an aging hippy, dippy, zen comedian with an attitude. Teacher says I’m great at that!

I was inspired to take this shot by Demi Lovato’s recent spontaneous body acceptance-based, no make-up, nude photoshoot. I liked how my eyes look. I feel pretty even though I still weigh over 200 pounds. Self acceptance is about who you are, not what’s happening.

What does Voice Acting Have to Do With Body Image?

I’ve been working hard on my voice acting and still love it. But I notice that despite my work and improvement I still don’t connect in a real way very easily. The minute I get on the mic I turn into the display model of a person vs. a real person. I can work through it eventually, but it’s a huge struggle. It’s a much bigger struggle than I’d like given how much I’ve learned thus far. I’ve been pondering and pondering, and it finally hit me. 50+ years of ignoring my body, of not liking who I am and disregarding feelings until ice-cream was available has put an automatic wall around me. It’s the mask I talk about on the show – only deeper.

Sigh.

I have come very far in the self acceptance department. But despite having a grand finale celebration to end the regular podcast series, my emotional growth is not complete. Which makes sense, since we are never finished as long as we draw breath. But even so, the sheer amount of my disconnect with my body is crazy making.

Haven’t We Heard All This Before?

Yes. I first discovered my body disconnect in my voice acting breathing. I had/have a resistance to letting my tummy relax so my diaphragm can function. I have soooooo trained myself to ‘suck it in’ 24/7. But from singing lessons and breathing lessons and practice, practice, practice, I can functionally connect with my body in front of the mic now.

What’s New?

What’s new is the depth of my emotional barriers. I realize that one of the hallmarks of my podcast was my emotional honesty. I pretty much told it like it was as much as possible. But even then, I was holding back. I really don’t want to expose my emotional underbelly aka the ‘real me’. And this is due to decades of self-protective habit.

One reason I was drawn to voice acting was so I don’t have to BE WHO I AM! I can be a dragon, a mother, a fairy queen, a customer service rep, a sexpot – anything, because in voice, I thought, I AM NOT LIMITED BY MY BODY! If I went before the camera to act, who could I be? The grandma? The frumpy lady buying detergent? But here’s the truth. Even at the age I am and the body I have, I could perform on stage as almost anything. I am the one limiting myself. I’m the one not feeling that I am enough. I am the one in my own way.

The Depth of This Problem

This is a really big problem. Just telling myself how great I am doesn’t get down to the bedrock of bad esteem. I believe I am lying when I say those positive things. Telling myself that ‘I am enough’ doesn’t cut it either. Because my compulsive brain can list 100 examples of where I didn’t get the job, the guy, the award, the promotion, the praise, the gold star. And knowing in my logical brain that nobody gets everything and that I have done some pretty great stuff and that I have a pretty great character doesn’t help either.

Because it ISN’T logical Laurie who blocks emotional reality. It’s original Laurie. The Laurie that first came into the world as herself and got hurt. I know, I know, artsy fartsy feely stuff, but it is true. Original Laurie doesn’t trust anyone or anything. AND original Laurie does not like the fact that podcast Laurie was spilling the beans all of the time AND original Laurie sure as hell doesn’t want to be vulnerable. Acting is fine as long as it is pretend. Another mask. A costume. But acting is NOT a costume. You need to allow yourself to shine through so it doesn’t feel fake to the audience. This is true on stage AND with your voice. You cannot hide. Your voice tells if you are smiling, if you are nervous, if you are seeing something, if you are speaking to a person or if you are stuck in a sound booth. To do well you have to risk being yourself for all to see/hear.

Here’s the Lesson

Know what? This isn’t only for voice acting. Many of us who struggle with food issues don’t want to connect with ourselves let alone risk showing ourself to others. We either hide ourselves behind some fat, or behind some control. But I think we hide ourselves through it all. I also think that for me, the bingeing represented one of the times the real person escaped.

Original Laurie could sure revel in some ice-cream! Ice-cream was rebellion and self love. It was letting myself be who I was for those few minutes. I was usually alone and safe and secret. I was allowing myself to want something, knowing it was in MY OWN POWER to meet that need. Usually it isn’t in my power. Usually my needs involve other people and boy, just me tell you, that didn’t work out well for original Laurie. So over all of these years I built walls. Fat/Diet walls, false people pleasing walls that didn’t allow the real me to count, walls of cut off emotions and distraction. My penchant for Survivor reruns is also a way to cut off. Right now I’m writing very close to the bone and it is scary. Why am I doing it you ask? Isn’t the show basically over? Why not slink back into privacy and let it go?

When in Doubt Get Brave

Tough to process that question. Let’s first take a break to admire my new warrior haircut!

Here you see the secret proof that I’m not just an old fart, but a secret Samurai! Besides looking cool when I wear a pony, this undercut keeps my hair from turning into a wild bush when it’s down. I also rediscovered how much I love the feel of clippers on my neck. Used to have that with my childhood pixie.

Now back to my story…

From the new BCs who still write and call I know the podcast was and is powerful. I also know the episodes with the most power and that generate the most response are my vulnerable moments. The grand finales and extravaganzas are great in their own way, but the shows that truly touched people were the ones where I accidentally dropped the mask all of the way.

Acting is learning how to drop the mask in service to the story. It doesn’t matter if it is a grand scale tale like Lord of the Rings or selling detergent. I, the actor, must BELIVE what I am saying. And the way to get there is to access my true self. To access my true self I have to practice until it isn’t so scary that I will choke every time.

To that end, I met with an acting teacher – not voice acting, full on acting. I’m going to take a class and let my body be part of my world. I’m going to do whatever it takes to integrate original Laurie into my life, body and all, and let her be heard and take risks. I’m not even going to push acting on camera or stage to the side. I’m going to learn with an open heart and see what happens.

After all, Compulsive Overeating Diary started just that way, and look at how that turned out. I met all of you and learned that I made a difference. Original Laurie has to feel good about that.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I drove down to the park for my first walk after all of my GI tests. It felt good to get outside, even though I was SHOCKED at how tired I was after.

I was hoping to release a bonus show but…

Medical concerns have taken precedence for me. Last week I had a full GI work-up at the hospital with biopsies to further investigate my digestive woes. (Thank you Angel Doc! xoxoxox). Angel Doc was ready to immediately wheel me into surgery if anything dire was discovered. Thankfully, nothing was dreadfully amiss and so I am recovering and getting back on my feet.

This whole process has been a learning experience as well as a pretty frightening one. It is very odd to not want to eat. It is very odd to have eating hurt. It is very odd to not get hungry AND it is very odd that given all of this, my weight remains pretty stable. For once I am grateful.

The scary time I lost weight

I may have told you this story on the show, but the only time I ever lost weight easily was about 12 or 13 years ago when I caught a persistent and terrible bacterial infection from body surfing in an area where there had been a recent sewage issue. The beach had been declared fit for swimming, but I was unlucky.

My body was in full on fight mode and the weight fell off of me. I was always hungry, and could not eat enough to stabilize. Luckily, it was during the time I was trying to lose weight at Weight Watchers, and so had many pounds to go. But even so, it was terrifying. The doctor at the time tried antibiotic after antibiotic and was just about to hospitalize me for an IV round, when he found one that worked. My God, I was so worn out from that. I was a washrag. I had zero energy. It was the most terrifying feeling in the world. And how many times had I wished for this?

Oh I wish the weight would just fall off!

Believe me, I don’t wish that anymore. Not ever. I DO wish if I have been exercising and eating moderately that my body might like to drop a little. But if my body is going to be stubborn, I’m glad it is keeping on weight rather than shedding it like water, like it did last time.

Last blog I shared the story of how I accidentally found out my weight.

A nice side benefit is that I now need to weigh daily as Angel Doc needs to know. And I don’t care. The number isn’t me anymore. It has zero impact on my self esteem. Isn’t that a miracle? I seem to have well and truly cut the cord. The scale is just a device. My weight just a number that tells us how my body is storing or not storing nutrients.

Anything besides medical stuff since last show?

Last weekend I went away for a weekend of self time and voice acting study. I had a wonderful time swimming, lazing and studying. I also continue to work on my voice acting and my demo as I can. Mark and I still go to writing group. I’ve had to slow down, but I’m not out. We just got back from our first 10 mile bike ride.

Special Thanks to Bailey from Alabama

Bailey is a new BC who LOVES to call the Bravery Hotline as she progresses through the episodes. It cheers me up SO much to know that the show is still doing good, and Bailey is a wonderful young lady. I’ll play you a bit of one of her calls once I feel up to hiking and talking again for a bonus show. xoxoxoxox Bailey!

Don’t be a stranger

Thanks BCs who have kept in contact one way or another for the good wishes, it REALLY, really, really REALLY means a lot to me. Thanks too to those of you who have continued support for the show by shopping through the Amazon links that also means the world to Mark and me. And please remember, you can STILL call, write and/or post comments. I may not get back to you as soon as I used to, but I will get back.

xoxoxoxoxoxo