Here’s a tongue in cheek photo of how it felt to accidentally learn my scale number after all of these months. But guess what, it was within one pound of what I’d guessed when I told the ER intake nurse my weight (they don’t weigh you there). So I guess I DO know my body pretty well.

Oh no, The Scale Had a Sneak Attack!

In my last couple of blog posts and statuses I’ve been writing about my digestive problems, but what you don’t know is just how long this has been escalating. It’s been going on for quite a while now sapping my energy and my positive outlook. I’ve felt like crap (sorry for the pun). In fact, it was one reason the show had to go off of my plate. All of the other reasons were true too, I just didn’t want to focus on negative things, or fear, or my dislike of medically being probed and prodded, weighed and ‘sized up’.

One of my biggest fears going through all of these medical consults was that I might discover my actual weight number. Now I laugh to think how silly that was, really, in the big scheme of life, to be scared of a number. Like I wrote in my photo caption above, at the ER I went to they don’t weigh you. They ask you. I felt my heart pumping wildly. I knew they needed to know this info. And I felt idiotic that I couldn’t answer. I felt that fear of a kid in class who’s called on when they are in the dark. But I gave my best estimate.

Onwards to my appointment with my Angel Doc, who I LOVE btw. Such a great doctor. He is thorough, great bedside manner, and he let me know HE WOULD NOT GIVE UP until we discovered what was causing my problems. As part of my medical history, I had to discover the name of the GI doctor who had done my screening colonoscopy 6 years ago. I couldn’t remember, as that test was fine, and I’d only seen that doctor briefly for the test. Calling through to my own doctor’s office, I discovered the need to go through the online portal to see my medical information.

Fair enough. Has to better than being on hold forever, right?

WRONG!

First thing listed in this online portal is your WEIGHT and BMI – I’m not kidding. In big ass letters, right under your name. No avoiding it. Whoops there it was. Now the last thing I wanted to see when I felt like crap was my scale number. And an old one at that, because it would have been my weight last Dec.

Compulsive Mind Hell

Now those of us who are blessed with compulsive mind tendencies can guess what happened next. I ruminated and worried that weight like a dog with a bone. Was my weight WORSE than this today? Can’t be better, right? How much worse? Oh no, did I need to diet? (actually, that idea was tossed in two seconds). How many times might I have to face my current weight in the hospital? In follow ups? I couldn’t stand it! I hauled out my bathroom scale in the garage and stood on the sucker.

Wah Wah Wah….

Batteries were dead.

Oh damn, just when I was ready to face the truth. It was such an adrenaline let down.

Then I remembered Mark has a doctor’s scale with a bunch of blankets thrown over it, also in the garage.

I scavenged this scale out and got it in position. Big breath, shoes on and everything.

Truth

The number was within one pound of Dec’s weight and within one pound of what I’d guessed at the ER. When Mark and I reported during the last episode I’ve been the same weight, I’ve been the same exact damn weight. Now curious, I looked up my last five years of weight at the doctor’s. Every year but one, this was my weight. One year, I was 14 pounds less. I remember that year, I had dieted like a fiend JUST TO GET WEIGHED at the doctor’s that year. This has been my weight for a long time. I have dieted down and eaten over it, but when left alone, this is the weight my body goes to.

Acceptance

I was a bit disappointed too. Because I haven’t been able to eat very much with my troubles, and you’d think I would melt away like a nymph in the rain. But Nooooooo. My body is holding onto whatever nutrition it can. Some days I can eat more, others days not. And body maintains my weight like an anchor. Proves set point theory to me big time. I have not been manipulating my eating for weight AT ALL. Nor my excerise.

My exercise has in fact been consistent, even if the intensity is reduced. Here are some highlights.

On a rainy day last week I broke out the fancy umbrella and walked up the hills around my neighborhood

New bright bike jersey. Mark and I rode 10 miles last week in the wee early hours before the heat.

I enjoy a peaceful swim and some water aerobics before I go to an all day voice acting class – that included physical improv.

My ‘Bottom Line’

Long story short, some weeks I have exercised a lot. Others, not so much. Some weeks I eat pretty well, some weeks hardly anything. It’s all about what I can do with my digestion. Nothing about flavor. Nothing about emotions. Nothing but thinking,

What can my body do today with food?

What a valuable lesson this has been. And through it all, I’ve done what I could to have my regular life. I take voice acting when I can. I practice when I can. I exercise when I can. I see friends when I can. I go to more appointments.

This week I will go have outpatient tests at the hospital. Today I get to eat, tomorrow I fast. Kind of funny, no? Bingeing and Dieting was my pattern. Now I’m living it again through my guts. Smaller amounts, but similar patterns. And scale number aside, I only want to live my life and have energy. I only want to feel well. I don’t care about fitting in chairs or fashions. I don’t care at all.

Body I forgive you and I love you. Please forgive me for all of the nonsense I’ve put you through over the years. We’ll get through this together. I’m on the same page with you — finally.

Robot Aliens don’t come to visit anymore.

Only angels of encouragement and care.

PS, no need to worry, Angel Doc says I’m in SUCH GREAT HEALTH – surprisingly great health “for my age” – my numbers and heart rate and blood pressure all wonderful. I feel really good, except for this crazy new digestion. It’s hard to not go to scary fears for me, but I’m learning. One day at a time, focus on the good, and I’m grateful for every good thing I experience and for every good lesson I learn. I’ll keep you posted.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Here’s a quick kiss for my furry angel, Tiger the Cat, from yesterday morning. A bit blurry because hard to selfie a wiggly cat!

Life isn’t Always What You Expect

If doing Compulsive Overeating Diary has taught me anything at all, it’s that life doesn’t always go the way you might expect. When I first decided to end the schedule of regularly produced podcast episodes, I was sad, but felt peaceful about my decision. I also felt excited about the time that would be freed up for me to pursue other interests and deepen relationships in my “real” life. It felt like the first steps on a new adventure trail.

In reality, just about that time, I either began having, or my digestive health issues became much worse. I wrote about it somewhat here. Looking back, I think this was part of my energy drain. But things really started to snowball and I began to feel so much frustration. Last week I ended up in the ER.

The ER for tummy trouble?

Well, you don’t want to mess around with these kinds of symptoms. Also, I found it almost IMPOSSIBLE to get in to see my regular Dr. Everything is automated these days. Phone hold times are very long and do not guarantee that you will get to whom might be able to point you in the right direction. I miss the days of people. I am feeling old.

Heck, I was a database developer and had a hand in many automation systems for efficiency. But no efficiency can cover 100% of cases, and it is frustrating in the extreme to feel cut off from where you need to go.

So finally I said F it, and went to the local ER.

Great to Get Some Answers

I give kudos to the ER department. Efficient, kind and caring. Not too long of a wait and actual X-rays ensued. Different methods tried and discussed, and bottom line, I need to see a GI specialist within the week for follow-up and more tests.

(One funny side story, a nurse there seemed to recognize me violently in the way once recognizes a TV actor in person. I didn’t know this person and said, no you don’t know me. Then I thought later on, this COULD have been a BC! But if so, didn’t want to pursue it half naked on a gurney.)

The Frustration

Great as I felt feeling that I was getting somewhere health wise, trying to get access to see one of these said specialists was another matter. Dr. after Dr. was either not accepting new patients or could only book me an appointment in a month or two. One recommended specialist wasn’t even seeing new people until January!

I spent two whole days researching and calling Drs.

The Hope

Finally, at the end of my rope, I found a local Dr. who was very highly recommended. I felt this probably boded ill for seeing me very soon. But if you ever give up, you NEVER get ahead. I called, spoke to a very professional and nice receptionist (could do an ENTIRE blog post on the others I spoke with) who broke it to me. This Dr. wasn’t accepting new patients at all. I must have sighed deeply because the nice receptionist asked for my story. She then mused that the Dr. sometimes made an exception for patients referred by certain colleagues. My hopes were again dashed. I had no such Dr. in my pocket. My regular Dr. is based in a different town from this and was currently unreachable on vacation. The other Dr. is an ER doc. The receptionist was kind, but didn’t seem hopeful, but suggested I fax my insurance card just in case.

I asked if I could drive it over instead.

She agreed. And off I went. At least it would be a nice drive to get my mind off of things.

The Gratitude

The angel, er receptionist, had already called the Dr. and got his blessing to book me before I arrived. She took my card and assured me that my insurance was accepted. So I get to see this really great Dr. next week. I know for a fact it was the receptionist who made my case. I am so very, very grateful. It made such a difference for me

Walking in the Park

I’ve been getting up early and walking in the park before it gets too hot. Nothing to be gained sitting around waiting. I actually feel better after a gentle walk. I drink my water and muse.

Another blurry photo from today’s walk. I didn’t want to risk another ant invasion by standing still to selfie snap!

Dang! COD is a great show!

I’ve been listening to old shows of mine at random. Today was Day 79. Wow! That was an awesome show. I loved my letting go segment. It was about being true and listening to your heart. The episode also had the first messages from María from Spain and Rachel as well as TWO count ’em TWO bravery hotline calls. Wow, I’d forgotten that happened. I had forgotten much of that day of my life. I enjoyed it and learned from it. I felt very happy and proud of all of us as I trudged up the hill home.

A New BC calls the Bravery Hotline

Once I got there, I had my morning java and caught up on email. Lo and Behold, Baily from Alabama, a new BC called the Bravery Hotline to encourage me after hearing Day 15. (It must have been one of my whiny days where I wanted more comments). Baily said I’d asked rhetorically,

If 100 listeners called and/or posted comments, would I feel any better?

And her take on it was no. She said I was worth so much more than the sum of the listeners’ comments, or something like that. Wow! I was so happy to hear that today. And to also know the show was still doing good. It also made me nostalgic for hiking up the mountain and talking about what Baily had to say.

Every Moment is a New Opportunity

And I realized that just because the scheduled show was over, at least for now, there was nothing at all keeping me from recording an episode if I felt like it. And Baily’s call made me feel like it more than I have for months.

So BCs, when I’m feeling better, don’t be surprised to see a bonus Day 121 coming your way.

Thank you Baily, I think you were another angel for me today. Thank YOU BCs for all that you do and have done to encourage me. I’ll keep you posted one way or another about how I’m doing. Right now, off to voice acting class. Not feeling the best, but not the worst, and if doing this show and blog has taught me anything, NEVER GIVE UP!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Mark and me on an early morning bike ride in Ventura. Even by the ocean, it was HOT HOT HOT! This was taken right before I headed off to explore the urgent care options around Ventura – thanks to my guts.

You gotta have guts to say good-bye!

In English, having guts is the same thing as having courage or balls or cojones (I guess we got that one from Spanish, but I digress). Guts are also a euphemism for our digestive process. Gut troubles can be tummy/colon related OR lack of courage.

In the last several days since day 120 went live, I’ve had reason to think about my guts every which way but loose!

It was hard to let my show go. Really hard. It took a toll I think.

Day 120 took me so much time to process, both emotionally and literally. That sucker turned out to be over 2 and a half hours long! Wow, that’s a butt load (sorry for all of my behind analogies, but you will soon discover, that behind is on my mind) of writing, editing and recording. Never mind the emotional stones it took to actually press the publish button for the last time to send my little show live. I felt shaky, sick, proud, barfy, quivery… you name it, I felt it. How would the BCs react? Would they comment? Would they like it? Was it too much about me and my voice over stuff? Would the writers who volunteered to read their work be a good thing or something to scrub through? Would everyone be as excited as me to hear BC Dave’s writing performed by professional voice talent? Would they love Fionna’s song as much as me? Was I a success as BC Dave said in his bravery hotline message? Or was I just another fat middle aged woman who had given up?

I have to give Dawny props, because SHE was posting her love for the last episode early the next morning. Wow! I released it in the evening, and she had time to listen to the long-ass sucker and post by 8:00AM! Alen Standish too was on last show alert. He texted me the next day with his enjoyment. When queried about how the heck a busy guy such as himself could hear the whole thing so soon, he replied he’d used it on one of his scheduled long runs to pass the time.

I’ve heard from a few more BCs, including Fionna, Suz, Dave and our newest BC, Petra. So I’m happy with that. But I’ve also watched the steady drop off of FB likes as people are actually unliking the show page and reduction in show downloads and blog visits. Even though it was expected, I have to admit to feeling a bit blue with this outward proof that my show, as it was anyway, was over.

Mark and I went to the salon soon after. Nothing cheers you up like looking your best! It felt weird to do things without having to record them – so for old time’s sake I did record this fun moment on my phone.
Here’s the video I posted to Instagram.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Laurie Weaver – Host COD (@lauriedreamweaver)

BTW, follow me on Instagram at LaurieDreamWeaver if you’d like to see what we are up to. I don’t post all of the time, but a photo or two will usually make it there before it goes to any other communication.

Something Feels Off…

Now, my digestive system has never been quick. But it’s always chugged along pretty well no matter what I fed it. But it seemed, ever since the last show went live, to get slower and slower and slower, until things really ground to a complete and total stop. I wasn’t too worried at first, as I said, me and my guts have never been speedy Gonzales – but as time went on, I began to wonder about what I was eating to cause this?

Different approaches, different amounts, different types of food – my intro to Prune Juice -YUK

Mark and I decided to go up to Ventura to have some fun and take some long rides. Usually, exercise does wonders for my emotions AND my digestion.

We got there, rode over to our favorite restaurant, and I wasn’t hungry and couldn’t eat much – despite a very light eating day.

Sunset from our lovely room in Ventura. This was taken just after I didn’t eat much dinner!

Then the next day Mark and I went for a long bike ride, and I noticed that things were REALLY at a halt and I wasn’t comfortable at all. Worried now, we found a great urgent care to investigate.

Many ways to spell relief

I wasn’t in a hurry to go to a Dr. partly, because it is super embarrassing AND I didn’t want to fight the scale fight. What might I weigh NOW packed to the gills with digestive troubles. Nope, didn’t want to see that number. No worries though, the nurse didn’t blink an eye when I requested the number be kept from me. Very nice about it. Dr. too, nice. Visions of tests and uncomfortable exams filled my poor brain while Mark kicked his heels outside in the waiting room.

No worries, the Dr. took my history, listened all around poor guts with her stethescope and found me worthy to just do over the counter remedies – aggressively. She was so kind she even typed out a 3 step plan for me HERSELF! This was all news to me, because I have never even had a laxative outside of surgery prep in my life. Let alone the full on battery of what was ahead. Also new, a diet comprised of only grapes and the aforementioned prune juice. OMG, what misery! Poor grapes, once my favorite fruit are now relegated behind broccoli and turnips in my desire to eat them. Armed with the plan, and her instructions to go to the pharmacy and start at once, Mark and I cut short our trip, and hit the drugstore on the way home.

No more details for you thank God!

Let’s just say I’ve had better days.

What else has been going on?

Let’s leave the adventures in digestion to revisit some cool stuff.

First, Here’s a video of my latest toy for my sound studio space. What makes this great is I can locate the computer now behind the sound blankets and remove more excess noise from my takes at the mic. Always a good thing. Here check it out.

First finished demo segment

Another exciting moment. David sent me the first completed segment for my demo. Now this is longer as a stand alone than it will be edited into the rest, but it was still pretty cool to hear it. Imagine this one is for an online explainer video on a company intranet.

Thanks for staying in touch Suz xoxox

Something Suz posted stuck with me. (I promise no more “behind” jokes either)

It does sound more and more though like you’re focusing on what you really want to DO instead of what you’d like to weigh or look like. So that’s positive.

I realized even going through this tummy misery, that my life IS about what Mark and I can do. I felt crummy, but not because I felt fat. And I DID feel HUGE with a tummy that would out-Buddha Budda, but mostly, I wanted to feel better in my body to get back to my “regular” life. (ok, ONE last joke, couldn’t resist). I wanted to record. I wanted to hike, I wanted to even clean my dusty house of horrors. I didn’t worry what I looked like really. And I look very, very fluffy right now. But I know it’s temporary. I feel no urge to diet. I do feel like exercising as I can, and making sure I take care of myself nutritionally. But food is the stuff that gives me energy. Things are moving along, in more ways than one.

Please stay in touch too!

And as BC Dave has said and written, Once a BC ALWAYS a BC. So what have YOU been up to since last I recorded? Ever had these evil gut issues? Hope not. I hope you’ve got guts in all of the good ways and can stay far, far away from the prune juice. Post away, I want to know about your life, because whether I say it or type it,I really, really, really, REALLY, really, really, care.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I have fun taking selfies from the podcast rock for show 120

Sometimes you just have to go slow

I was having SUCH a time editing all of the little features and writing the transitions for the last show that I despaired ever getting out and actually recording it. The task loomed larger than usual in my mind. Every day seemed to bring a struggle or a challenge or another reason to put it off until tomorrow. Sound familiar? I was giving myself quite a few talking tos as well. Show 100 was also a ‘really big shoe’ and I got THAT one out on time. What the heck is WRONG WITH ME NOW? But something BC Dave wrote gave me an aha moment.

Something that you love(ed), which you were successful at is coming to an end and I will bet that deep down you are grieving (it will take time), and because you loved it so much you are hoping to finish like a 4th of July finally. Please know that no matter how your last episode turns out, you will all ways be a bright and guiding light in the lives of many.

New times call for new ways

Here’s me at my original podcast bench at Descanso Gardens.

By George BC Dave was right! I’ve been grieving the show, and perfectionism was letting me give myself the time to do that. But after a while, I just felt stuck. I was ready to move on and let go, but how? It really IS a huge task to put together the show that’s in my head – the show that’s supported by all of the cool bits and bobs I have ready to share that you’ve given me, or that were recorded in other ways. But then, it hit me.

Why do I need to do it all at once? Usually I do. I write the show, then record it all in one day. That would be hours of recording. A big job. Hard on my voice and a big strain on my writer’s brain. Why not go down the podcast memory lane and split the show into three parts? One at Descanso Gardens, one at the podcast rock at my local park, and the last one on the mountain? Eureka! That worked.

Having fun

I’ve now written and recorded parts one and two and will, weather willing, hike up to the Next to Upper Zen spot tomorrow to record the last. This made the task so much easier. And it was fun to think which things I wanted to record in each area. Because I wrote and recorded over several days, it wasn’t overwhelming. It was ok because I was making progress. Sound familiar?

Cross your fingers

Tomorrow will be a big day. If I get up the mountain, then all that will be left will be the final edit of day 120. So you may get it sometime this week. It’s the end of an era my friends. I have reviewed so much material, read so many comments, remembered so many things as I’ve put this last outing of ours together. It’s kind of like yearbook signing at the end of high school. I’m sad to say good-bye, but ready for the future.

I hope you are too.

xoxoxoxoxox

Ahhh sweet relief. Dang AC going out during a heat wave. Get ready for the ‘I’m TOO dang HOT WHINEFEST of SOCAL!’

Where the F is the Last Show Laurie?

Ok, ok, I know that most of you aren’t even CLOSE to being as critical of me as I am of myself. You know, schedule hell, get it done, check the list, yada yada yada. Truth is, many BCs made the deadline, participated, sent in their audio good-byes, my writing group came and recorded stories, and the voice acting version of BC Dave’s story is now edited, ready and in the can. All is set for me to finish writing the transitions and getting my butt up the mountain to record Day 120…

BUT IT’s TOO DANG HOT HOT HOT!

Sun beating down ALREADY at 8:00 AM. Right now I’m typing this blog post in front of a fan with ice on my neck. I’m SO whiney when I’m hot, and this has been a long, hot spell for sure.

Let’s go back several days…

Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

Way back at the end of July I announced the end of the scheduled podcast series, Gave a deadline for early August for you BCs to participate in ONE LAST SHOW EXTRAVAGANZA,figuring that would be long enough for anyone who actually wanted to do that, and planned to write and record within the week after that – say Aug 15. Hello! It’s now Aug. 16, and I’m still in the organizing phase of writing. What happened?

We’re Having A Heat Wave, a Tropical Heat Wave…

But unlike Marilyn, instead of getting all sultry and sexy from it, I’m sweaty and bitchy and my head constantly hurts. It is so hot that I feel like an eskimo wearing a traditional winter parka exposed accidentally to the flames of hell. Let’s examine this. Hmmm, I weigh over 200 pounds so I am WELL INSULATED. I don’t usually need blankets in California, even in winter. I’m also over 50 and have a close acquaintance with my frenemies, night sweats and hot flash. To TOP THIS OFF, our Blankety Blank Blank AC took a dump! Now it is bad enough to face the energy bills in September after the rigors of our usual hot summers. We insulate the house, we keep the drapes shut, we open windows on nights where the temps go down to limit our AC use, but there are days when it is SO HOT we bake like sausages in the oven. Lately we’ve been WAY over the triple digits – even at night with NO CHANCE OF AC RELIEF! And I’m cranky, cranky, cranky with it.

Where is Zen Laurie?

Oh my goodness, I’m GLAD I’m not recording so you won’t go away with a last memory of Volcano of rage obsessed, TOTAL BITCH Laurie, who types here before you now. I am so over this heat! Over it, over it OVER IT! But it is the price I pay to live in usually beautiful Southern California. We live inland, so we don’t have the benefit of the ocean breeze. We are ‘In the Valley’ – Like Totally Tubular – and we have a pounding, haze of heat this time of year. Luckily, it usually isn’t humid too. Anyway, back to the AC. It went out, visions of total central AC replacement costs slammed us in the guts, making us both cranky and worried.

We exercised early to try and mitigate stress.

Mark is SO hot he even got up at the crack of dawn to get our bike ride in. That would be like ME riding at 10PM energy-wise. WTG Honey!

Whew! Done with biking at the river in the gosh darn heat. It is BRUTAL. I’m contemplating whether I have energy enough to continue writing. Thinking about the last show and how to order all of the cool stuff in it.

Tiger and Gracie don’t even play in this heat. They hear birdies, they lay around. They hear the can opener (usually a cat magnet) they lay around. You name it, they lay around.

Even Tiger is hot, hot, hot. Why, baby do you want to cuddle in this HEAT? And WHY haven’t I trimmed your freaking claws – OUCH!

Good News!

Busy AC repair guy came over (and YAY! for once my house WASN’T a mortifying dusty house of horrors) AND DOUBLE YAY! it was a part that was broken vs. the whole unit needing replacement. A part that he had in his truck and something he could fix right then and there! Hallelujah! In the meantime Mark and I had purchased a portable AC unit as well, and that was working out. So now we are armed with many, many fan and AC options to cool us during this heat wave.

Wonderful! So Why are you Writing a Blog Instead of Day 120?

Good question. I realized that the heat was a true excuse, but not a true reason. I LET it get to me because every time I listened to the audio and wrote some of the transition material for the last show, I got emotional. No Robot Aliens around to distract me either. Just emotional. And I didn’t like that feeling. So it was easier to be mad and rage at the heat (which is a real distraction) than to get on with getting on. So I figured I’d write this as both an update and a way to process these feelings. I’m still comfortable with my decision to move on from the podcast series, but oh my goodness, how I will miss it, and all of you.

Update

Right now, it looks like the heat wave will abate Monday evening. So I’m hoping to finish writing in time to hike and record on Tues. From the sum of the parts I’ve got in the can, I’m looking forward to this show. I think you will enjoy it and I’m proud of all of you who participated and grateful for all of you who will take the time to listen.

Soooo I guess it’s time to stop ranting and time to start writing.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo