Status 1-24-15*

DECISIONS AND THE ROBOT ALIENS – yesterday I reached out to a podcasting friend and was able to share some of my feelings and concerns. It felt great to be heard and understood, and it helped quite a bit. I also made some decisions to let go of a few commitments, not to do with the show, and that helped me also.

When I have more time to actually ponder, I want to process and think more about the entire direction of my life. What I want to focus on and what I want to have on and in my mind. I have to admit there were some Robot Aliens involved in my struggles yesterday. It’s a trigger I hadn’t worked through before — putting off decisions – even CONSIDERING decisions. It’s like my mind thinks, “Man, we’re stressed, and we need to have a diet to latch onto. And she’s not budging. What to do? I know, let’s trigger the Robot Aliens so she can drop all of that emotional struggle right back into her body issues where it is familiar and comfy.”

Sigh. It is tough when you’ve overeaten for emotional reasons. Not the same as a nice dinner out AT ALL. I don’t know about you, but when my tummy is too full and it feels like the pig is in the python, my esteem plummets and the nasty critical and doubting voices come flooding in. A diet would be SO MUCH EASIER. I can’t stress enough the emotional relief a diet would be. Not one of us likes the “Feeling fat” or the “out of control” feeling that Robot Aliens bring along for the ride – let alone having your pants that fit yesterday being to hard to zip today.

It’s like my subconscious protection is in warp overdrive. WE WANT A DIET! WE WANT A DIET!

OMG, what a horrible dilemma. I don’t want a diet at all. But I don’t want the tight pants either. Can I trust myself to let my body tell me what it wants? I know it doesn’t enjoy the tight-pants causing behaviors of late, and I don’t enjoy the feeling of weight gain. It is scary. But I know I was doing well before, and not now. What’s changed? That’s the demon that needs wrestling here.

Today

VOICE ACTING ALL DAY – first rehearsal, then I go to my coach, then directly to class. The Santa Ana winds woke me early and I’m tired. Now I have to push aside that tiredness AND the emotional struggles to focus on my work. I have to really mine for some deep bravery today. I need to face my fears and realize I am worth the chance to try. I need to try for REAL and not give up on my voice acting piece. It will make me emotionally stronger. Nobody has a great day all of the time. Everybody has days where things are on their mind. The trick is to put it aside for the current moment. The trick is to focus on what is in front of you. To become the character, not to pretend.

Wow, for a moment I forgot to feel fat.

How about you?

Please feel free to comment on MY statuses or add YOUR OWN thoughts, feelings, challenges, rants and raves on these pages too. That was one of the original purposes of why I posted on FB. I thought BCs might like to share about THEIR days. So if you have thoughts and feelings you’d like to share with the group, go ahead and put them here with your comments.

*Daily statuses are not part of the blog’s email notification. When you enter your email under where it says SUBSCRIBE TO POSTS VIA EMAIL, you will be notified of regular blog posts and when podcast episodes are released. I didn’t want to clog your inbox with my daily statuses. However, the automatic publicize feature will inform you on my show FB page, my AdventureLaurie twitter account, google+ on its show page, and Tumblr.

Body Balance

BB (Body Balance) number 3 Sleep: 4.5 hours divided (Santa Ana winds). Tummy/Gut: Gut feels very full. No surprise. Didn’t binge, but ate way too much when not hungry. Not Hungry within one hour of waking, and will wait until two hours before class unless I get hungry. Energy: Low. Mood: Cautious.

BB is my personal criteria, and I don’t think too hard about it. I ask myself at the keyboard, what is my BB? A number between 1-10, including halves, pops into my head. I write it in my post Then I figure out why it is higher or lower and gently make note.

If you are interested these are my measures.

1. Sleep. Quality and Amount.
2. Tummy/Gut – If I ate what my body asked for, usually above and below the belly button feel balanced. Ate too much, below the belly button feels more full. Ate too little, the reverse.
3. Am I hungry within 1 hour of waking? I have found that I feel best if I am hungry within 1 hour of waking. This tends to make my eating day even and not heavy on food in the evening. But I don’t eat if not hungry unless I’m about to ride or hike. I’ve learned I need to fuel these morning activities, or I’ll bonk.
4. What is my energy level? Subjective, but telling.
5. A quick look at my mood.

The Bravery Coach

TheBraveryCoach daily tweet is a morning mediation on how I either did, or can incorporate an aspect of bravery into my day. It is cheerful. It is esteem building. Those who want to follow these on Twitter may, by searching for the hashtag #bravery or by seeing my profile:

Daily Bravery Tweets via TheBraveryCoach on Twitter

Status 1-23-15*

GARDENS AND NATURE can certainly improve my mood. Yesterday, I realized the mini-vacation to Ventura had lifted my mood, but that my return home snapped it back down into the dumps. So off I took myself to Descanso Gardens before my therapy appointment. As I said yesterday, I was hoping to find an old fashioned calendar so I can write all of my schedule on it vs. on my dang phone. I can’t help it, love me some paper art with littles squares for dates. I was in luck and they had one on sale at the garden gift shop. So I saved a few dollars and also helped support the garden.

I also shot some video at Descanso which I hope to string together as a mini-feature for the Coffee Klatchers some time this week. I like to make these, so it is something to look forward to.

Even so, I’m finding myself again, feeling guarded and starting to isolate. It is harder and harder to record or to write my feelings. But I push through for now and this was part of my discussion in therapy.

Today

VOICE ACTING REHEARSAL and HIKING for fun is on my morning agenda. I will Rock Out to some kind of music up the mountain (Sending an IG message to Soph as usual), and then just spend some time alone in contemplation. I have much to think about. The show is coming up on its one year anniversary. Birthdays and Anniversaries can be a time to celebrate as well as to review. I’m really pondering the show right now and where it is going, is it still valuable to me, is it making my life better or harder? It seems so many BCs have moved on and maybe it is time I moved on too. But to what? To change the direction of the show like Alen did with his? Wrap it up and move on to other projects? Is this ME telling myself these things or is it the depression talking?

That’s a hard one. Chicken and egg territory.

In therapy, I agreed it is not time to make a decision like this. It is time to remain on my path until I have more clarity about the brave and right thing for me. But I am in flux. I’m sad. I’m not sure.

I do know that without the show, I would have just gone on another diet last year and lost some weight. And I would have binged all year, and exercised to fight the extra calories, and been obsessed with that journey. This year I was obsessed with finding out what’s under my food obsession and behavior. I was hoping I could also get thin that way, but alas, no. But I am thinner than this time last year by a little bit, and my weight didn’t swing wildly, so that’s a plus. But I do so miss the comfort of the diet/exercise. Such an easy thing to “make my life better”, I don’t mean the doing of it, but the decision and the direction. Without body change in the equation, it is much tougher to get down to “what would make me happier, or give my life more meaning”.

Yes, a good day for thought. Right before I did Daily Adventure Tales, on the mountain I strongly heard in my own still voice, that I should start a podcast. I KNEW in my heart that was my path. I didn’t know what or how or why, but I knew it was what I should do. And I met all of you BCs and changed my life forever. Whatever happens, I have been changed for the better. I’m hoping the mountain will be in a talkative mood today.

Then I’ll spend time on my singing and prepping my voice acting parts for class tomorrow. It is great that I found these two new loves and was brave enough to let myself go for them.

How about you?

Please feel free to comment on MY statuses or add YOUR OWN thoughts, feelings, challenges, rants and raves on these pages too. That was one of the original purposes of why I posted on FB. I thought BCs might like to share about THEIR days. So if you have thoughts and feelings you’d like to share with the group, go ahead and put them here with your comments.

*Daily statuses are not part of the blog’s email notification. When you enter your email under where it says SUBSCRIBE TO POSTS VIA EMAIL, you will be notified of regular blog posts and when podcast episodes are released. I didn’t want to clog your inbox with my daily statuses. However, the automatic publicize feature will inform you on my show FB page, my AdventureLaurie twitter account, google+ on its show page, and Tumblr.

Body Balance

BB (Body Balance) number 7 Sleep: 6 hours divided (pretty good quality, both). Tummy/Gut: Gut feels full and I feel very puffy. Not Hungry within one hour of waking, but will eat small pre-hike breakfast anyway. Energy: Moderate. Mood: Sad/Reflective.

BB is my personal criteria, and I don’t think too hard about it. I ask myself at the keyboard, what is my BB? A number between 1-10, including halves, pops into my head. I write it in my post Then I figure out why it is higher or lower and gently make note.

If you are interested these are my measures.

1. Sleep. Quality and Amount.
2. Tummy/Gut – If I ate what my body asked for, usually above and below the belly button feel balanced. Ate too much, below the belly button feels more full. Ate too little, the reverse.
3. Am I hungry within 1 hour of waking? I have found that I feel best if I am hungry within 1 hour of waking. This tends to make my eating day even and not heavy on food in the evening. But I don’t eat if not hungry unless I’m about to ride or hike. I’ve learned I need to fuel these morning activities, or I’ll bonk.
4. What is my energy level? Subjective, but telling.
5. A quick look at my mood.

The Bravery Coach

TheBraveryCoach daily tweet is a morning mediation on how I either did, or can incorporate an aspect of bravery into my day. It is cheerful. It is esteem building. Those who want to follow these on Twitter may, by searching for the hashtag #bravery or by seeing my profile:

Daily Bravery Tweets via TheBraveryCoach on Twitter

Status 1-22-15*

HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGGETY-JIG – We returned from Ventura yesterday and noticed a dirty haze hanging over our mountains as we approached. Now usually, we have pretty good air quality, as the winds from our mountains blow the gunk down onto poor Burbank, in the valley. In fact, it was dirty enough, I wondered if we had another wildfire smoldering in the hills?

But no, just more truck traffic, road construction, and a still day. Thus we speak about some of the downside of living in Southern California.

Speaking of downside, I was so hopeful in Ventura that my mood was snapping to the up side of the wheel, and it is. But, as would be usual for anyone, depressed or not, coming back to routine and chores and ‘What shall we cook for dinner?’ after blue skies, waves and service brings the emotional plane down to a lower altitude.

This morning I’m awake again after not enough hours of sleep. What is it? Maybe the mental list of what’s to come playing like a broken record? My bed is very comfortable. Maybe, Tiger the Cat, snuck in to cuddle me awake, having missed me? I usually ban the poor creature for just that reason, but found him wedged between my side and the pillow this morning. But this sleepy alertness doesn’t feel like Tiger. It feels like my mood is slipping again down the slippery slope.

In fact, my affect felt so flat, I had to look up a list of emotions to help me pinpoint it:

Wheel design by Machine Elf 1735 – Own work. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons.

Today

Today I chose pensive. Not quite sad, kind of contemplative type of word. It fits.

Off to therapy and a walk around Descanso. I hope, besides inhaling the cheer of the flowers, to buy an old fashioned paper calendar. I’ve had it with the updates to my phone’s software that make it almost an act of God to figure out one’s schedule. It used to be so easy. Tap calendar and look. No more. Too many steps to see an entry, to many ways to inadvertently make screens BIG, or tiny or last month, or flown away by the many, ‘shortcuts’ built in for gestures and swipes that change so often I can’t be bothered to keep up with them.

*Daily statuses are not part of the blog’s email notification. When you enter your email under where it says SUBSCRIBE TO POSTS VIA EMAIL, you will be notified of regular blog posts and when podcast episodes are released. I didn’t want to clog your inbox with my daily statuses. However, the automatic publicize feature will inform you on my show FB page, my AdventureLaurie twitter account, google+ on its show page, and Tumblr.

Body Balance

BB (Body Balance) number 7.5 Sleep: 5.5 hours undivided (woke up a bit too early). Tummy/Gut: balanced and playing nice. Not Hungry within one hour of waking, but could be because I woke up early. No hike this AM, so will wait. Energy: Moderate. Mood: Pensive.

BB is my personal criteria, and I don’t think too hard about it. I ask myself at the keyboard, what is my BB? A number between 1-10, including halves, pops into my head. I write it in my post Then I figure out why it is higher or lower and gently make note.

If you are interested these are my measures.

1. Sleep. Quality and Amount.
2. Tummy/Gut – If I ate what my body asked for, usually above and below the belly button feel balanced. Ate too much, below the belly button feels more full. Ate too little, the reverse.
3. Am I hungry within 1 hour of waking? I have found that I feel best if I am hungry within 1 hour of waking. This tends to make my eating day even and not heavy on food in the evening. But I don’t eat if not hungry unless I’m about to ride or hike. I’ve learned I need to fuel these morning activities, or I’ll bonk.
4. What is my energy level? Subjective, but telling.
5. A quick look at my mood.

The Bravery Coach

TheBraveryCoach daily tweet is a morning mediation on how I either did, or can incorporate an aspect of bravery into my day. It is cheerful. It is esteem building. Those who want to follow these on Twitter may, by searching for the hashtag #bravery or by seeing my profile:

Daily Bravery Tweets via TheBraveryCoach on Twitter

Status 1-21-15*

UP THROUGH THE GOLDEN HILLS AND WOODS – yesterday Mark and I again mounted our bikes for an adventure. But this time we challenged ourselves to ride about 9 miles uphill and 9 miles back through the scenic and charming dedicated bike path from Ventura to Ojai (actually, we started partway up by parking at a local park along the route or the round trip would have been closer to 30-35 miles, and the first part of the ride goes through some industrial areas).

Here’s a great photo Mark took of me – note his cute caption. He doesn’t talk a lot, but when he does, he’s a sweetie.

Along the Bike Path to Ojai

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mark Weaver (@markeweaver)

See my ride photos and videos at LaurieDreamWeaver. You can see Mark’s photos and videos on his Instagram at MarkEWeaver.

Mindful Enjoyment

We had a great ride. We didn’t worry about milage, speed, endurance or training. We enjoyed each vista and stopped several times to take photos and videos of each other and the beauty that we experienced. We made a conscious decision to ‘Enjoy the Ride’. This is new for us, as bike riding was usually a form of shared exercise. This time it was shared experience.

Food Enjoyment

After our 9 miles uphill we were HUNGRY, no doubt, and went to a lovely local Mexican Restaurant where we enjoyed margaritas and enchiladas (for me) and chile rellenos (for Mark). We sat under umbrellas on the patio and watched the world go by under golden-blue skies. Again, we didn’t think about it, but left more in the chip basket than we ate, had leftovers from the small side of guacamole (*gasp*) and drank more water than tequila. I also ended up eating about half of my plate without conscious thought of limiting myself in any way. I just had enough.

Happy Hour

We walked around the town a bit then headed back to Ventura by bike and car. As soon as we returned to the hotel, we grabbed our bikes again and pedaled a few more miles to the ocean-side restaurant we frequent for a sunset happy hour on the patio. A bit hungry, but not much. Shared and appetizer and I had a spicy, Jalapeño infused margarita. It was surprisingly flavorful, but so spicy, I couldn’t take more than a sip at a time if I wanted to. That suited me fine, as I wanted the ‘experience’ of sunset happy hour more than a big drink or a bunch of food.

Today

I was going to ride again today solo along the beach, but my legs are a bit tired from the hill work. So off to the pool to splash around before Mark and I have Brunch for our big meal today, before heading home to cats and chores. It was a great get-away.

*Daily statuses are not part of the blog’s email notification. When you enter your email under where it says SUBSCRIBE TO POSTS VIA EMAIL, you will be notified of regular blog posts and when podcast episodes are released. I didn’t want to clog your inbox with my daily statuses. However, the automatic publicize feature will inform you on my show FB page, my AdventureLaurie twitter account, google+ on its show page, and Tumblr.

Body Balance

BB (Body Balance) number 9 Sleep: 8 hours divided! (good both sets, yay!). Tummy/Gut: balanced and playing nice. Hungry within one hour of waking, but will go get a snack as we will have a large meal in a couple of hours. Energy: High Moderate. Mood: Happy.

BB is my personal criteria, and I don’t think too hard about it. I ask myself at the keyboard, what is my BB? A number between 1-10, including halves, pops into my head. I write it in my post Then I figure out why it is higher or lower and gently make note.

If you are interested these are my measures.

1. Sleep. Quality and Amount.
2. Tummy/Gut – If I ate what my body asked for, usually above and below the belly button feel balanced. Ate too much, below the belly button feels more full. Ate too little, the reverse.
3. Am I hungry within 1 hour of waking? I have found that I feel best if I am hungry within 1 hour of waking. This tends to make my eating day even and not heavy on food in the evening. But I don’t eat if not hungry unless I’m about to ride or hike. I’ve learned I need to fuel these morning activities, or I’ll bonk.
4. What is my energy level? Subjective, but telling.
5. A quick look at my mood.

The Bravery Coach

TheBraveryCoach daily tweet is a morning mediation on how I either did, or can incorporate an aspect of bravery into my day. It is cheerful. It is esteem building. Those who want to follow these on Twitter may, by searching for the hashtag #bravery or by seeing my profile:

Daily Bravery Tweets via TheBraveryCoach on Twitter

Status 1-20-15*

BACK TO THE BEACH – yesterday Mark and I came back up to the coastal town of Ventura for some R & R. It is going awesome. Like I wrote yesterday, and said in my latest show, where I talk about depression, being outside – especially in sun – and moderately exercising are GREAT medicine for moderate depression.

Here’s a video of “my medicine” that Mark took along the beach bike path as we did our sunset ride.

Riding at Sunset

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mark Weaver (@markeweaver)

Rest and Exporation

Today we toss out or clocks and will explore some more of the area. We may go for a drive, ride some more, read around the pool or just snooze in our room with the luxury of not having to worry about house chores.

Last night we had such a great dinner in the middle of our ride, I’m inspired to blog about that. So, I may post my thoughts after I get my brain fueled up with oatmeal.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

*Daily statuses are not part of the blog’s email notification. When you enter your email under where it says SUBSCRIBE TO POSTS VIA EMAIL, you will be notified of regular blog posts and when podcast episodes are released. I didn’t want to clog your inbox with my daily statuses. However, the automatic publicize feature will inform you on my show FB page, my AdventureLaurie twitter account, google+ on its show page, and Tumblr.

Body Balance

BB (Body Balance) number 8.5. Sleep: 9 freaking hours divided! (good both sets, yay!). Tummy/Gut: balanced and playing nice. Hungry within one hour of waking, will go get some oatmeal once I post this. Energy: High Moderate. Mood: contentedly cheerful (hooray!).

BB is my personal criteria, and I don’t think too hard about it. I ask myself at the keyboard, what is my BB? A number between 1-10, including halves, pops into my head. I write it in my post Then I figure out why it is higher or lower and gently make note.

If you are interested these are my measures.

1. Sleep. Quality and Amount.
2. Tummy/Gut – If I ate what my body asked for, usually above and below the belly button feel balanced. Ate too much, below the belly button feels more full. Ate too little, the reverse.
3. Am I hungry within 1 hour of waking? I have found that I feel best if I am hungry within 1 hour of waking. This tends to make my eating day even and not heavy on food in the evening. But I don’t eat if not hungry unless I’m about to ride or hike. I’ve learned I need to fuel these morning activities, or I’ll bonk.
4. What is my energy level? Subjective, but telling.
5. A quick look at my mood.

The Bravery Coach

TheBraveryCoach daily tweet is a morning mediation on how I either did, or can incorporate an aspect of bravery into my day. It is cheerful. It is esteem building. Those who want to follow these on Twitter may, by searching for the hashtag #bravery or by seeing my profile:

Daily Bravery Tweets via TheBraveryCoach on Twitter