1. Suz (Suzanne) February 23, 2015 at 7:25 am

   I find some truths or even potential truths scary and hard to let go.
   The one that’s bothering me the most lately is about my weight and the fact that I did this to myself.
   I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for putting myself through all this misery. For ruining the one body I will ever have, for bringing upon myself the health problems, the social isolation, etc. of obesity.
   This is a really hard truth to face. It didn’t feel like a choice while it was happening, and I don’t know if circumstances had been different in the past if I might never have had a weight problem.
   We all have many alternate imagined pasts, but the thought of an alternate healthy-weight past haunts me. Would I have achieved more, had more friends, traveled more, had a store of wonderful memories instead of so many regrets?
   And while I’m realizing truths about myself, I also have to acknowledge the truth that there are people close to me who don’t and will never understand what I have gone through. So there is no empathy there, and there isn’t always sympathy from myself when I realize I am the main one who is in my own way regarding my weight. I know there are outside forces, and medical and genetic issues in the mix, but I know a lot of it is a mental and emotional rut I have put myself in for a number of reasons, not all of which I am conscious of.
   It’s hard to own up to the fact that if it had been anyone else who did this TO me, I would never forgive them! But it was ME, and I’m supposed to be kind to myself. Oh boy. So, I have to find a way to cope with the idea that I actually did ALL of this to myself, that I sabotaged my own life and made trouble for myself all these years. I have taken so much away from myself in the way of energy, confidence, relationships with people, life experiences. etc. Was I avoiding something else, or was I punishing myself? Was it addiction? I have no idea. How can I forgive myself without knowing for sure what the root cause was? Will I ever know what it was? Can I live with not knowing, and learn to forgive myself anyway?
   These are the thoughts that came up for me when you mentioned about our personal truths.

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   1. Suzanne February 24, 2015 at 1:47 am

      P.S. I binged tonight, despite doing well all day and not feeling deprived. Evenings are my most common overeating time. I’m not sure what the trigger was, but at least this time I actually had a conscious thought during the binge that I should stop, that I was getting uncomfortable. But I went way too far, and unlike many previous overeating sessions, actually felt sick afterwards.
      Then I had the thought, related to my post above, that I did something bad and abusive to myself. I wanted to apologize to the me that is trying so hard to progress and succeed. Sorry, Suz, you didn’t deserve that. You tried to tell me to stop and I just didn’t listen. Keep tryng to tell me what I need to hear, and keep feeling what I need to feel, and I’ll keep trying to listen.
      All those times in my life when I felt ignored, misunderstood, and not listened-to, and it seems I’m carrying on doing that to myself. I’m trying to change that by consciously thinking in my head “I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better, because you deserve better.”

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      1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMarch 5, 2015 at 8:57 am

         Wow, so profound Suzanne.

         All those times in my life when I felt ignored, misunderstood, and not listened-to, and it seems I’m carrying on doing that to myself. I’m trying to change that by consciously thinking in my head “I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better, because you deserve better.”

         I know I replied at the time via Speakpipe, but I wanted to day again here. These “setbacks” are to be expected. We live in the moment not on a “streak” tightrope where one misstep plunges us into the abyss forever – even though that is exactly what it can feel like. By now, I’m betting you have recovered from this one binge and have learned something from it. And you may have to learn it again. 😉 But as you show yourself compassion you can progress. I believe the point of life is to experience it by bringing as much love as possible in as many ways as possible. Not romantic love, but the type that fills us with peace vs. anger and hate. Some situations make that difficult. But we can always attempt to show love to ourselves – even when the world is unfair and unkind. We can, as you say, show love to ourselves, even when we realize there is self-forgiveness needed about our behavior toward ourselves. Remember, we truly try to do the best we can to protect ourselves in every situation. We do what we can as we can. That’s why discovering the lesson is so helpful. Once we process a lesson and learn to do differently, we can! Otherwise it makes total sense that we repeat and repeat and repeat. It’s like if you memorized a song with a wrong note in it, you would keep playing that way, until you noticed and corrected enough times to make the new note feel natural. (Of course YOU would probably hear a wrong note right away, but I’m memorized wrong ones singing new songs and it’s a bitch to correct them). Hugs and brava and bravery reports all around for not isolating, for forgiving yourself AND for reaching out to support others. xoxoxoxoxox

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   2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMarch 5, 2015 at 9:16 am

      I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for putting myself through all this misery. For ruining the one body I will ever have, for bringing upon myself the health problems, the social isolation, etc. of obesity.

      Dearest Suzanne, here’s how I see it. You were protecting yourself and your intention wasn’t to ruin yourself. Sometimes we mess things up even when we are doing our best. Your journey to your present physical form, like mine, started way, way, WAY back when our minds were’t even all the way formed. We took in information and made our best guess on how to deal. And it worked! If the eating hadn’t have helped our pain, we wouldn’t have done it. But it also brought on other issues that didn’t make our lives so rosy. You have so much to offer. You have a depth of artistry in all you do, your music, your writing, your drawing, such a raw passion and I think a spark of hope. Your choices have given you these gifts too. Celebrate you today in some small way. I know it is hard. I SO wish I could fit in chairs. I so do. I wish I had the genetics to eat and stay slim as some of my friends have. I wish I never developed a weird relationship with food. But I have what I have. These are my cards. Just as you have your cards to play. I don’t know your size, and I don’t have to know. I find you totally lovable and likable. And If you were the BIGGEST SIZE I can imagine, I would still think so. If you lost all the weight and became the size of your dreams I would still think so. The you inside is so unique, so wonderful, I can’t help but feel your outer self reflects some of that as well. Self love and forgiveness are so important for our happiness, that these are what I wish for us the most. oxoxoxoxoxo

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2. Stéfanie February 24, 2015 at 1:58 pm

   Dear Suzanne, sorry for the bad feelings you have been having. when I read your first comment, I thought you were so hard on yourself! But I see you’ve realised that on your own. It’s true that no one forced you to eat. But then again, weight issues are so much more complex than a simple lack of motivation and willpower. It’s not about finding excuses – it’s about being gentle towards yourself. Easier said than done – I too am struggling with self-acceptance and can ben quite harsh to myself, specially when I’ve done bad, and that’s probably where I need to be self-acceptant the most. I am sure you know all of that, right? Sometimes I wonder why we continue to do self-destructive things when we know how bad they are to us. It’s like the mind and heart don’t mingle. Last week I binged pretty much the whole week. As I was doing this, I knew I had to get support, because that was the way out, but I ended up isolating. Also, we all know that abusive self-talk is our worst ennemie, but we still do it. Why?

   I don’t have the answer, but I do have a big virtual hug for you.
   Take care xx

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   1. Suz (Suzanne) February 25, 2015 at 7:10 am

      Bonjour Stefanie,
      Merci beaucoup pour vos commentaires aimables!
      I know I can be hard on myself sometimes, but I am trying to work on that. I have the voices of anger and shame in my head, as that is what I learned would be directed at me as long as I was fat. As long as I was fat, that is what I deserved.
      I am learning to be more kind and patient with myself, because now I realize that kindness and gentleness was what I really needed all along.
      I totally understand what you mean about knowing consciously what things are destructive and harmful to us, but somehow we are compelled to do it. It makes no sense! And why can’t we talk ourselves out of it. We’re smart people, right? Hmm.
      I read a book called “Rewire: Change Your Brain to Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self-Destructive Behavior” by Richard O’Connor that addresses this very thing. It seems we always have a war going on between our conscious and unconscious minds, and our primitive brain and our higher reasoning brain. It’s all fascinating, but just learning that much hasn’t helped me actually fix the problem! I suppose I will always be fighting this war with myself. My body has been collateral damage!
      By the way, je adore votre accent et je souhaite que je pourrais parler français!

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      1. Suz (Suzanne) February 25, 2015 at 7:11 am

         Oops, I meant j’adore. I forgot my liaison. 🙂

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         1. Stéfanie February 26, 2015 at 12:05 pm

            your french is perrrrfect to me! 🙂

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