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Despite my smile, I’m feeling like an idiot walking around a park speaking out loud to myself. Hope you guys are out there!
Podcast Recap
Yay for us pathetic folk! Pathetic is the new cool. Pathetic or not, here I come! At least that’s what I tell myself as I struggle with my feelings while I huff and puff around the local park. Most hellishly embarrassing episode to release ever. I’m proud of myself though, because I didn’t weasel out and stop myself from showing how I truly felt, which was sad, needy, pathetic and out of breath. I’m also thankful for my friend Cheryl and our Skype conversation. Reaching out is always good when you are feeling pathetic or are otherwise in a bad place. Take that pathetic! And as long as I’m being pathetic, anyway, just go ahead and comment, would ja?
Mentioned
Laurie’s Sparkpeople team for listeners of the podcast and for those dealing with compulsive overeating, binge eating, or emotional eating issues who’d like support. – Closed 10/22/14 due to lack of participation
Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.
Credits
Host: Laurie Weaver
Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1
Resource of the day
Checklist to Feeling Pathetic
Gruenie’s post on thoughts.com made me smile. So much of this we do to ourselves.
Gruenie’s post on thoughts.com made me smile. So much of this we do to ourselves.
Hello there, I’m listening 😀
Don’t give up, please – you’re inspiring and giving voice to what many feel.
From Fi in Auckland, New Zealand
xxx
Hi Fi, I’m so glad to meet you here. It means so much to me that you took the time to say hello and encourage me. So far, my experiment is working and podcasting my feelings is helping me deal much better with my eating. I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic as well. It is also exciting to me to see where you are from. New Zealand is #1 on my bucket list to see, I’ve wanted to visit your beautiful country ever since I was 8 years old. I hope to someday do a bike tour there and spend some time traveling. It is really cool to “meet you” Fi, thanks again.
First off, one thing you mentioned I’m going to HAVE to blog about. That was the idea of believing what we say to ourselves after we’ve failed so many times. That is such a huge, huge issue for me. And I bet for others.
Mainly, though, I have a question for you or anyone else that might be reading this. You say you are embarrassed because you’re feeling alone, unloved, and needy. I could plainly hear my own sigh when I’m feeling that very same way, because I, too, feel very alone in this weight loss journey. Even when I KNOW I have wonderful people around me like you to give me a leg up when I’m feeling down. (It’s especially difficult when those with whom you live don’t give you the encouragement that you need.)
So here’s my question: WHY do we become so embarrassed when we feel needy or unloved? Human beings are created to be in relationship with others, to support, to nurture, to find pleasure, etc. And yet when it comes to being on the receiving end of those acts, we feel flawed and worthless. Have we become a product of our society that says we should pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps while we trot our butts off to a counselor to air our own feelings of worthlessness? Isn’t that a little like PAYING to have a friend?
I am SO proud of you for being able to stand up tall and say you’re needy. We are ALL needy in some way or other at some time or other. If we say we’re not, we’re outright lying, to others, and to ourselves. So good for you, girlfriend, for saying what the rest of us are too cowardly to admit. We all need. Especially support when we’re trying to change our lives for the better.
I’m with you in wishing more people would get involved as they listen to your podcast. It’s time for all of us on a journey of change (no matter what the issue is) to be brave enough to step forward and say, yep, I’m fragile and I NEED people in my life who will cheer me on as I’m running this race.
You go, girl!!!
Wow! I’m amazed by your thoughtful and generous post. As to your question, I think we are embarrassed to admit we are needy because in our U.S.of A. culture, it is weakness. I think we value the rugged individualist who can take the bull by the horns. In my own family, it was bad to be needy and “bother” others. We were supposed to take of everything ourselves. So I have two big BAD FEELING modes. 1. Fat and 2. Needing help from others. Wow, and I have both in spades. So I eat to cover up my neediness, thereby becoming fatter and feeling bad and MORE needy and so on. Sorry for the caps in my reply, just in a LOUD VOICE mood. Looking forward to reading your blog post as you are so thoughtful and insightful. 🙂
I enjoy listening to the show & your
Honesty. Today you helped me not binge.
Thank you
Hi Jenny, I’m glad you found the show and that it is helping. Thanks for taking the time to comment, it means a great deal to me to know that others can relate to what I’m going through.
Hi Laurie – I just started listening to you podcast. I got to podcast 4 today and wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you do and have a lot of respect for you. This podcast series is not easy, I’m sure. But it is healthy, inspiring, and helpful to many more than you may know.
My guess is that many people are hesitant to leave comments because they are not comfortable exposing themselves or with the idea of identifying as someone struggling with overeating.
I hope that you feel encouraged to continue your podcast and I hope to continue listening and working on my own struggles right along with you.
Hi Maddy, I think you are right on the money! Many of my listeners take a while to feel comfortable with commenting, because much of our struggle is secret. I very much appreciate your bravery and caring, because you stepped out and left this encouragement for me. I’ve started calling my listeners and commenters my “Brave Companions,” because I think we are all very brave to face our demons, even if just by listening to a podcast on this topic. It is so helpful to my own journey to have the support out there, and I hope we can all become companions to each other on this road. Thanks again, and please come back as I appreciate hearing your point of view. Take Care, Laurie
Thank you so much for your podcasts. I found them quite by chance when I was searching for something inspirational to listen to whilst drifting off to sleep. They are very insightful. I am several weeks behind but hope to catch up soon. I really hope this method works out for you and that the weight loss is sustained and that you are able to be set free from your previous negative thought patterns.
One thing that another poster wrote, which I wanted to respond to, is about whether going to a counselor is like paying to have a friend. I have been working through some major issues over the last two years and some of the symptoms have been as you eloquently described in this podcast. My qualified counselor has wisely helped me face the reasons why I react in the way I do. My advice would be, if anyone has something in their past that is causing problems now, there is a lot of benefit in seeing a counselor. I wish I had done it 30 years ago!
On the weight issue, I made huge progress about eighteen months ago and lost 21 lbs and got through the couch to 5k running programme in time for my son’s wedding last summer. Since then I suffered pneumonia, which provoked asthma (which was only diagnosed two years ago). This led on to post viral fatigue. I have only been back at work full time again since the end of Feb, having been off work for two months followed by a phased return. This, and some other difficult family issues has knocked me back somewhat and the weight has crept back up. I managed a 3.5 mile walk two weeks ago – the first for six months.
Your podcasts are helping me think about the choices I make around food. Thank you.
Hi Sue, Welcome! I’m so glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts. I too, believe that counseling is a valuable tool. I’ve gone many times over the years, the latest being when I retired in order to help me adjust to the identity crisis that ensued from me leaving my job. Every time I go, I learn something new about myself, and many of the tools that allow me to podcast as honestly as I do came from time in counseling. Good for you for managing to do a 3.5 miler, that’s awesome progress with what you have been dealing with. I hope you will return again and/or call the bravery hotline and share more of your thoughts and story with us.
Very recently, I stumbled upon your c..o..diary. It was the fourth episode that got my attention. I hope you never, ever feel that way again. You ARE worth it. You ARE worthy. Personally I do not know about binge-eating problems, but I do know about other extremes. In my early 20s, I would choose the day before what I would eat. Some days, I ate one apple with small slice of cheese. That was it for that day. Thankfully, I never went for the bulimic behavior. Like you, I had to leave work early. I already had one autoimmune problem under control, and in 2005, along came another – fibromyalgia. After suffering at work in 2005 and 2006 (crying at my desk, etc.) I finally stopped working. I am 56 now. I take many medications to keep symptoms under control since there is not yet a cure. And I feel very lonely, even though my husband is here and my mom lives in an apartment we built next to the garage. They will not accept that right now, there is no cure. It must be something I am doing wrong. Or maybe it is in my head. How do you prove to someone that your head hurts? You don’t, because…well, you look fine.
How do you, Ms. Laurie, prove that being overweight makes you way vulnerable to the actions/reactions or acceptance/rejection you get from others? May I quote an old boss of mine? We worked in many payroll offices on construction sites all over the country. I would say, “Johnny, so and so wants this or that. His standard replies were either “TOUGH shit!!” or “Ah…PISS on ’em!!”
By the way, your personality, your voice, and the way you see things kept me interested in your show.
Thank you.
Hi Michelle, thanks so much for taking the time to comment on episode 4. That was by far the hardest one to release to the public view. 🙂 We’re almost age twins, as I recently turned 55. Thanks too for you kind remarks about the show. As you move ahead in episodes, you will find that I start calling my listeners and participants “Brave Companions”. Brave, because anyone listening to a show like this, whether for oneself, or to better understand a loved one, is brave. Companions, because even though the face of our eating issues may look different, we are discovering many common threads together. Some brave companions leave voice mail, some, like you, comment on this site, some email me stories to tell on the show. Some are very private and so far, only email me. But all have been wonderfully instrumental in my learning to treat myself as kindly, as they treat me and I want to treat them. I welcome you whole heartedly, and hope you will always find a kind ear here. Whether a food issue rears its head, or health issue, or you just feel alone, stop by, say hello and know that we care.
PS, after my bike accident I had blinding, dibilitating headaches as part of my post concussion symptoms, I stuttered, I forgot things, I couldn’t focus or learn as quickly. Except for the faint scars on my face, I still looked like me, but inside, I was very different. This was hard for my family, my co-workers, and me. In the end, we know the truth and we deal the cards we were dealt. My hubby is a big guy who wants to lose weight, but he is not a compulsive overeating binge eater like me. He relates to the hard parts of being fat, but not to the demons in my head. That is why I started recording my thoughts – to have someone to talk to, even if that person was just me. A friend convinced me to go ahead and post the podcast publicly, as she felt it would help others. So far, I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. I don’t understand fibromyalgia, but I do understand constant pain. Thanks again, I especially love your colorful example of your old boss. I say that too now, from time to time 🙂
Michelle said: It must be something I am doing wrong. Or maybe it is in my head. How do you prove to someone that your head hurts? You don’t, because…well, you look fine.
Michelle, I SO TOTALLY get what you said there. The fact is, if you suck it up and keep going through the pain, people think it just can’t be that bad. But what are you supposed to do? Lie down and never get up again? You can’t. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move. I don’t think most people realize just how courageous some folks are who struggle with ailments like that.
Hugs, Michelle! Thanks for sharing. Your thoughts and insights are really good. I hope you keep listening to the podcasts, reading the threads on here, and posting many more comments!
Hi Laurie,
Just found your podcast on Pocketcast this week. I’m up to episode 4 and just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your journey with us.
I entirely related to the way you felt at Trader Joes when you saw those salted caramel chocolates. Those catch my eye EVERY time I go in there and I only win that battle about 50% of the time.
I just started OA on 7/12/14 and I’m starting a meetup group in Asheville, NC called “Progress, Not Perfection”. Hopefully, those teamed up with your podcast will be just the support I need.
Please keep on sharing your progress with us. Thanks again! Hugs!
~Maggie
Hi Maggie, thanks SO much for taking the time to come encourage me. It’s now been 25 weeks and 1 day since I started my show, and I’m hoping to record Day 66 tomorrow. 🙂 Good luck with OA and with your group! Alen Standish, a podcaster whose show used to be called Quit Binge Eating just renamed his show to Progress Not perfection. Here’s a link to his new website. If you haven’t heard his show before I really recommend them. He’s a great person and interviews all kinds of experts. Very interesting and encouraging. He interviewed me for his episode 42 while I walked around the very park you heard me feel pathetic in on Day 4. Now so many people have, like you, come to say “I care” and “I’m listening”, and shared their stories with me and with each other, my entire life and relationship with food has been transformed. I’m so grateful for my friend who said it would be good for me to release my show to the public. And I’m so grateful for you, and the other brave companions, who come to post their thoughts (that’s what we ended up calling each other). PS, I now have salted caramel chocolates in my cupboard, but forget to eat them. A miracle! I know that my experience isn’t the same for all, but I discovered that my eating behaviors were almost 100% triggered by emotions. I’m working now in therapy and by sharing on the show how I’m working through what’s under my own compulsions. For me, I had to give up dieting all together. Very scary. I also had to give up the dream of losing weight, DOUBLE scary. After 2-3 months of weighing between 207-209 I finally gave up my scale a few weeks ago. But there are brave companions who do Paleo, OA, Weight Watchers, or other programs. We try to support each other as we are and where we are, knowing that nothing is 100% the same for us all. I hope this makes sense and you will feel welcome to post anytime, or to call! Hugs and thanks and all good wishes. I’m so glad you came over to say hello!
Yes, giving up on the dream of losing weight sounds incredibly scary. However, I completely understand the value in that.
I just subscribed to Alen’s podcast as well. Thanks for the suggestion. So ironic, and wonderful, that we both used PNP as our title. 🙂
Looking forward to hearing all of your podcasts and wishing you the best as well!
Yes, great minds think alike! I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say after you’ve walked a few more episodes with us and also what you get from Alen’s show. I’m so glad you are going to listen to him as well, as Alen is just so genuine and delightful 🙂
Hi, my name is Sandra, and I have listened on and off to your podcast for a couple months. Recently, I did a road trip in Arkansas and had a lot of free time and listened to a lot of your podcast.
I am 23 years old and have been struggling with my weight and binge eating for now about 6 years (I hate realizing how long it has been!). I’ve had so many ups and downs, I can’t even go through them all. I used to exercise as a punishment for overeating. The more I binged, the more miles I ran. Through lots of therapy and effort, I’ve stopped the punishment exercising. Of course, since then I’ve never been as thin.
Ive struggled with a lot of things that everyone is talking about. I can get obsessive with food, calories, and years ago with my weight number. It takes up so much energy and time!! I also realized again that I am very perfectionist, black and white thinking all the way. When I “overeat”, I’ve failed and the day is ruined. Once I binge it’s so hard not to binge the next day. It’s like a spiral downward. And I think, I’ll start over tomorrow and think of all the good things I’ll do and always end up “failing.”
And I can totally relate to needing to numb out by eating and watching TV. I’m so hard on myself not achieving what I think I should, constant racing negative thoughts, that my mind needs a rest. It’s like ingrained in my mind, automatic almost.
But I wanted to not only share my story but what has worked for me/what I’ve accomplished and what I am still working on.
What has worked:
1. Not weighing myself (I could tell by the way clothes fit. The number is just a number, just something to obsess about for me)
2. Not exercising as compensation for binging
3. Talking with a therapist on a regular basis
4. Scheduling, scheduling, scheduling! (the less free time, the less time to think about food and weight)
What I am working on:
1. Consistently doing mindfulness everyday
2. Identifying when I feel the urge to binge and doing one of my coping strategies instead
3. Eating more fruits and vegetables/fiber to feel more full
4. Allowing myself to eat a dessert and NOT feel guilty (i LOVE chocolate/ice cream – #1 binge food)
I wanted to share a little bit of my story and reach out since I’ve listened a lot to this podcast recently. I know that as much as I want and plead for binging to just go away, it won’t without a lot of effort. Most of my effort needs to go to liking myself. Accepting my weight. Accepting my personality. Accepting me! But oh it’s so much easier said than done.
Well I’ve related to SOOO much on this show and to everyone posting/speaking! Thanks to everyone!
We can do this!
Wow Sandra, you are SUCH an eloquent writer, your comments here completely resonate with me and touch my heart. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I especially relate to using exercise as a whip and a weapon against yourself for eating. It is terrible. I so much prefer my rides and walks now, because I feel like my mind can wander and tune in to making my body feel good. I also am lucky to live in a climate where I can be out of doors most of the time and nature has a very soothing, mindful effect on me.
I especially love your list of what has worked and what you are working on. So helpful and I think many brave companions will benefit. I will most likely share part of your comments on Day 67 and provide a link from those show notes back here. Such a powerful post.
I’m also very humbled and grateful that we were your companions on your road trip. That’s pretty cool! Sometimes when I’m recording my show from the Zen spots alone in nature or when I’m walking around talking to myself, I forget that the words will be flying out across the country and the world into the ears of people, like you, driving to their life or walking on their path.
It never ceases to cause me gratitude to hear from you. Please feel free to post your thoughts and feelings as much as you’d like, or to post an entry onto our “Who are the brave companions” page.
Welcome!
Thanks for your quick and encouraging response! I really appreciate it and will continue to listen and post ; )
Hi Sandra, I’m glad you are still listening 🙂 My episode 67 turned out to be a bonus vs. regular episode where I just walk and talk without my notes. But I’m still planning on using your comments on Day 68 when next I record a regular show. I am especially encouraged by your practicing mindfulness every day. That’s something I struggle with, as I get distracted. Your story gives me the encouraging kick to get back to starting and ending my day that way. 🙂
Hi Laurie,
I just recently discovered your podcast on itunes. I was so excited to find it, and knew that I needed to hear it, and think and reflect on why I have this problem, and have had a problem with food and appetite and depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.
I subscribed to your podcast but then sort of avoided starting to listen for a while. I want this problem to be solved, but I don’t really want to deal with it. I am weary…SO weary of diets and trying and failing and feeling sabotaged by my own body, and not knowing how much of this is subconscious stuff going on, and if it’s subconscious, how do I make it conscious, and if it’s conscious, will I be able to handle it if it’s really really overwhelming? Cuz I’m already overwhelmed now.
I’m not very techie, I don’t have a blog or anything like that. No way to record. But I love the way you take the listener along on your walks. It makes me want to walk with you. To try, to think, to breathe. You like exercise, I hate it. I mean, I hate it. Sweaty, achy, uncomfortable, humiliating.
I just took a book out from the library about mindful eating. I have symptoms of prediabetes, and diabetes runs in my family. I come from kind of a dysfunctional family situation, and I’m kind of still living in it. I’ve never had any emotional support, never really had close friends. Found out that if you have problems or struggle with depression, most people just do not want you around, period, unless you can pretend to be happy and continue to entertain and be helpful.
I live in northern Minnesota, where for a good chunk of the year, walking outside is not an option.
I am 44, and I don’t know how this much time has passed without my figuring this out. I’m supposed to be smart, so why can’t I get this problem solved? I even did a course a few years ago where they tell you all your eating problems are emotional, period. Well, I don’t think that’s all of it. I think part of is that certain foods hijack the pleasure pathways in your brain and mess up your responses to the food.
I have tons of thoughts about this that I don’t even want to think. It makes me sleepy thinking about having to tackle it at all. But I wanted you to know that I am following. I’m going to listen to every single podcast until I catch up.
Hang in there,
Suz
Hi Suz! Welcome. Thanks so much for posting on Day 4. That was the HARDEST day for me. I really felt pathetic. The good news for me (and you) is there are MANY, kind people who can relate to our struggles with food and obsessive thoughts and compulsions around it. We ended up calling each other, brave companions, so now you are one of us too! This has been an amazing journey for me, and I can relate to much of what you say. I have been depressed most of my life and on an endless treadmill where I try to be perfect, funny, just what every one would want, in order to be accepted. I gained loads of weight, lost loads of weight and everything in between, but food ruled my life. I finally decided that I wanted to try and be real and just see what happens. I promise you, each show I recorded was EXACTLY as I felt at that time. I won’t tell you all that happened since you are following my story, but be comforted that I feel really good right now, 26 weeks to the day after I began. I don’t love exercise anymore as a way to punish myself or as a way to compensate for binges. But I LOVE hiking and walking in nature. It makes me feel good. And I listen to my body and try not to overdo. That might be why it isn’t fun for you. Also, I love Zumba classes and yoga classes etc. My advice is to try various things to see what feels good. If walking, for example, only walk 5 minutes to start, if that is all that feels good. Then 6. Then 7 etc. If you hate walking, maybe you would like water aerobics. Or folk dancing. Most people feel good to move in some manner, but overdoing and making yourself hurt (I AM SO GUILTY) will cause you to HATE it. As to what is the cause of our eating problems, for me, mostly emotional. But some people really cannot tolerate sugar, or grain, or too many carbs. We are all different. I truly thought that I was addicted to sugar and was shocked when I realized that wasn’t the case. Much later on in the show, I went back to therapy to deal with the emotions that came up. This has helped me very much. Anyway, I want to again thank you and welcome you! I’m glad you found us, and look forward to hearing your thoughts and feelings about the shows as you move along.
I care,
Laurie
I so agree with everything Laurie said. And I understand perfectly what you said: “Found out that if you have problems or struggle with depression, most people just do not want you around, period, unless you can pretend to be happy and continue to entertain and be helpful.”
I have a sister that is FOREVER trying to FIX me. Without realizing it (even after I tried to explain it to her) she just makes things worse. You wonder how in the world you can ever get out from under some of the family stuff that just perpetuates the problem.
Just know, Suz, that you’re not alone. Probably everyone of us here feels the same way on some level. So hope you’ll join in and add your thoughts. We all have so much to learn.
(I’m sure my sis would LOVE being referred to as a THAT! LOL Make that a WHO.)
Who’s on first? 😉 We love you Cheryl! No fix in’ around here.
Oh boy, I know what you mean. My brother is a bit like that. If I’m in a funk around him, it’s like I’m imposing it on him. It’s like I’m misbehaving. “Can’t you take a pill or something?” Or “can’t you take a higher dose?” Haha! The message is, your sad feelings make everybody uncomfortable, and if you take them public, well, you’re just being a big rude Debby Downer. If you want to talk about it, you are a whiner. I think that whole rugged American pick-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps thing is just a myth that keeps people ashamed and in the dark if they aren’t top dog and the life of the party. I don’t feel like I’m a bad person. I’m just trying to figure things out, and do my best. I don’t want to impose on anyone, but sometimes it’d be nice to have someone to just talk to who understands, and who can maybe validate some of my feelings or thoughts without seeing them as a sign that I need to be fixed right away.
I hope it’s okay if I share thoughts here. If I stray too much, or need to just write to work things out for myself, maybe I could learn to start a blog. I think a LOT about eating and weight and perception and family and social dyamics. And it might be nice to blog anonymously on the days my mind is a little too noisy.
Hi Suz, I wanted to answer this right away (I may be away from the computer for a few days as I’m expecting a visit from my niece who’s arriving sometime today).
You are free to comment as MUCH or as little as you like. You can write TONS of comments, few comments, long comments, happy face comments, whatever you feel like at the time. As long as your comments don’t slam others and are respectful, which yours have been, NO PROBLEM. The ability to say what you want in writing, or by calling the bravery hotline, is part of why I do what I do. I want all brave companions to have an outlet for feelings where they feel heard, respected, and loved!
I really DO care!
Looking forward to learning more about your thoughts as you move through the episodes.
Laurie
xoxoxoxox
Starting an anonymous blog is a great way to get feelings out. I journal in a spiral notebook nearly every day. It’s amazing the things you learn about yourself when you just start writing down your feelings. And we’re all here to listen, too, like Laurie said. Stay cool!
Hi Laurie.
I’m a new listener from TX, working my way through the episodes. When I can get my phone to cooperate, I will leave you a 5-star review with the below comment. I’ll share *my* story soon. I just wanted to end your day with some encouragement.
I felt so alone…until I stumbled upon Laurie’s podcast. As I listen I feel like I’m hiking up the mountain with her, chatting about life, nature and our shared issue. The refreshingly honest way in which Laurie talks through her thoughts, fears and insights makes this listener frequently blurt out, “Yes! Yes! I feel that way too!” Her authenticity and beauty make this a stellar listen. You are the bravest of us all, Laurie. Keep walking up the mountain.
Hi Courtney! Welcome to our little corner of the web, and thanks SO much for taking the time to encourage me. Even though it has been over six months since I started Compulsive Overeating Diary, and I have had many amazing and wonderful successes (as well as stumbles) and have gotten the awesome opportunity to know many people from all over the globe who struggle as we do, I still have days now and again when I feel down, and I wonder if it is worth it. Today happened to be one of those, so you will never know how much your message meant to me. I’m glad you found us and I’m really looking forward to hearing your story.
Thanks again,
xoxoxoxox
Dear Laurie,
You are most welcome. Im so glad that I could offer you some encouragement after all that you’ve done for me.
I’m not sure why I chose my introductory post to be on episode 4. I’ve listened to almost all of them after finding your podcast a few days ago. I think that it is because you were feeling like no one was hearing you and your efforts were in vain. Hopefully by now, since you’re on podcast # 70-something, you realize that we ARE listening. We DO need this podcast & community, and you, the bravest one of all, who put yourself out there FIRST and began talking about behaviors that I and others feel such deep shame over. It was an incredible sense of relief to hear you admit that you have issues with emotional eating. So many of the things that you said in the first few hit home for me, I just lost count. So first of all, I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your bravery. You were open and honest, and it was so refreshing because this is something that I have been hiding and living with the secret shame for years.
(I’m gong to change over to my phone to finish my story because this Android tablet is giving me fits! 🙂
I will be 40 in 2 months. I had big dreams, hopes and plans that I wanted to have accomplished by now. About 10 years ago I quit work to stay home with my child. Soon afterward I started to feel unwell, and I assumed that it was depression. I had struggled with it all of my life, plus we had just moved across the country and I quit work. I tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what was expected of me (and what I expected of myself). Of course, I am harder on myself than anyone else could be. Long story short, I began to take comfort in food. The more I ate the bigger I got. The bigger I got the more my joints and muscles would hurt. I blamed myself for my physical problems because I assumed that it was diet and lack of exercise. Thank God, through a series of events, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease and Fibromyalgia about two years ago. At least I am able to get help for the physical pain. The emotional pain is worse because I had gone back to school, worked VERY hard and was poised to go back to work very soon when I had my first Rheumatoid flare. It was bad. Really bad. Right now, work is not an option. I do housework and try to occasionally get out of the house. I isolate a lot, though. M&Ms soothe my pain for the moment. They make me feel loved, accepted and better until the shame sets in that I’ve eaten the whole (large) bag, at once, again. I don’t love, accept or esteem myself much right now. I have 1 pair of pants that I’m bulging out of. My loved ones don’t understand fully my diseases and why I’ve gained so much weight. I’m so disappointed in myself and feel worthless. I feel like my family would be just fine without me. I just don’t feel needed, wanted or loved, but do you know what helps? Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls–the whole box.
I’m seeing a counselor on a regular basis, and we’re making progress. We’re not there yet.
Candy is my friend. It comforts me. It really isn’t my friend, but for a moment it feels like it. I smoked for 20 years, and when I quit I started stuffing my feelings down with food instead of cigarettes. I have such a difficult time coming to terms with some truths and making some changes. I have so many feelings that I can’t even face to work through, and soothing myself with chocolate is much easier than the healthy route. It is a struggle. A daily struggle. I’m so glad that I found you kind folks.
Courtney, wow, I am so heart touched by your story. It is bad enough to deal with emotional pain and to feel alone with it, but to also have the physical that you have is mind-boggling. And it is tough because many people (myself included) just can’t conceive of daily agony you can go through with Rheumatoid Disease and Fibromyalgia. But I have a friend with Fibro and know from observing first hand the good days and the flares. It makes total sense too that candy would be a great go-to after smoking. Culturally it’s a treat, it’s a forbidden thing to us if we aren’t at a perfect weight (so GREAT for expressing FU feelings (for me anyway)) AND it will zing quickly through the blood to light up the pleasure centers of your brain. But I’m glad you are in counseling to have a safe place to express some of those feelings. And Sister, you are free HERE to say however you feel, whatever that is, no matter what, as long as it isn’t hurtful to others here. One of the things I think many of us have been missing is just a place or people where we can be who we are, good, bad, indifferent, funny, sad, raging. Whatever we are. That’s part of what makes it special among the brave companions. The acceptance, the honesty and kind support. I’m looking forward to hearing more of what you share.
xoxox
PS, you might want to copy this story and add it to the “Who are the brave companions page” so others will have more of a chance to see it and learn more about you when you comment or if I mention you on the show.
Courtney,
Thank you for sharing your story and I send you tons of love and hugs. I know how you are hurting inside. I remember the moment I chose food as comfort: I felt lonely and abandoned by my parents as a child. Thus began my “food is my friend” love affair. I can tell you, from my own experience, that it has been a struggle for over 40 years to find a way to feel worthy inside and out. I am still seeking chocolate, bread, cookies and cupcakes to fill my empty heart. I am happy you are seeking some counseling. Laurie’s website here is also a huge support for me. People that have actually experienced compulsive eating, bingeing and all the other struggles with food, really offer great support and things to try to help the healing process. I have found that just knowing I am not alone in my struggle gives me some peace. What I have for you is hope. I truly believe we can turn around our lives and how we feel inside. But this is a process that doesn’t happen over night, so be kind and gentle with yourself. Because of stress in your life you have needed to feel safe in a cocoon (isolating) with food. It’s OK. You will blossom into a butterfly again.
I’ve just started listening. I know you’re finished producing new episodes, but I’m starting at the beginning. Thank you for putting it out there. I’m at my lifetime highest weight and it’s very hard. Thank you for being brave. I do find the back round noise distracting. I like your choice of music! I love your honesty. You are helping people.
Hi Sarah! Wow! Thanks so much for taking the time to support me on the infamous “pathetic episode” of day 4. I believe I start getting better at finding ways to minimize the excess sound pretty soon, though I always did record most of the show outdoors. I learned much about myself during the course of recording the show that helped me. Also from the stories from the listeners. There is quite a lot for you to ponder as you go through the series. The main thing is you and I are not alone in how we feel, or in our struggles. We are not odd. We are also much more than our size. It is amazing that all throughout the world folks like you and I came together to share and to just let one another feel how we feel and say so. Compulsive Overeating Diary is a very safe place to ponder your own issues. Please feel free to post your thoughts as you go through the show as I am still here on the blog as are many other listeners, called BCs (Brave Companions). I am always happy to hear from you. Thanks again for taking the time, it really does mean the world to me. xoxoxoxoxox
Welcome to the community, Sarah. I hope that you continue to enjoy the podcasts and I look forward to hearing more from you.
i too just started listening. im about to go out for a walk myself to listen to episode 4 and i wanted to comment in. you were so hurt by lack of comments in the previous episodes (albeit it was a year ago) but i still wanted to answer the cry. i wish in many ways there was a time and place adults can come together to exercise and express their emotions from the day. like recess for kids, we could gather and either write, draw, play outside, etc. to process our thoughts. it sounds silly but i dont know why all that support goes away. i understand that we are to become self-sufficient, but what about those adults who never got to do these things as kids? or are coming out of depression, OE issues, etc and need the support to .. reset if you will? anyway, thank you for putting yourself out there. i get to now selfishly listen and feel my thoughts out as I listen to yours. laurie, i am listening 🙂
Oh Thank you HS! What a treat to have your supportive comments today. Even though many people have commented since I made that poor, pathetic lament, I still appreciate and cherish every one. I think you make a great point. So much of our society is a grin and bear it kind of place – that even when we do have friends handy, we are taught to pretty much keep it in. For me that was very much one of my issues with food. My food spoke for me. The show and this blog really helped me to learn how to express my thoughts and feelings (even to myself) and the support of others was so new and so helpful. Please feel free to keep commenting as you go along, I am still here and other listeners are as well. Welcome! And thanks once again, xoxoxoxox
Welcome, HS. What a good suggestion. It has taken me ages to even identify my emotions let alone express them appropriately. I am sure it would be great if adults were more able to explore emotions and find healthy ways of processing them. I look forward to reading more of your comments.
Hi Laurie, I just discovered you and your podcast and I made the commitment to listen to all your episodes, as I see myself so reflected. So, there you go, better late than never! Greetings from Spain and thank you so much for sharing your thougths!
Hi Marina, thanks so much for posting your greeting. It makes me happy that the podcast is still helping people. Please post any questions or comments that you’d like. I don’t answer as fast as I once did, but I do always answer and care very much about the people who listen. Thanks again for encouraging me by letting me you know you are listening. – xoxoxox (this means hugs and kisses in English)
I’m listening. I might be late today show but I’m in the same boat and your podcast is really motivating me to keep a log of my thoughts myself… Keep up the good work I’ll keep listening.
Hi Geert! It means so much to me that you let me know you are listening. Even though that crazy episode was recorded over 5 years ago, I still remember how foolish and alone I felt walking around the park, talking about fears that I usually kept well hidden. But that was the episode where people like us, let me know they were there too! That was the start of my learning that I am much more than my body size, that what I say and think and feel is worthwhile to others. And that made it important to me too. I’m excited that you are on your own journey of discovery and I hope you keep sharing what you say and think and feel with us. Xoxo