1. Cheryl May 23, 2014 at 11:08 pm

   Laurie, it sounds like you were in a really scary place yesterday. I’m coming to realize that it’s a fact of life for most of us with eating issues that we don’t feel we have the right to do what’s best for us. One of the most important things we need to learn, imo, is exactly what you demonstrated yesterday. You didn’t over-react, you logically checked things out and made the best choice for you. You even called the person back with some reassurances along with that sharing. That’s pretty impressive. Still, we simply can’t take care of everything for everyone. We can try, and that’s why we get so stressed and hungry. I think at 63 I’m finally realizing that it’s not my JOB to take care of the world. It’s time I start taking better care of me. That’s what you did.

   I wish you felt better in the aftermath of your making yourself so vulnerable with this person. But maybe some of what you’re feeling about that is just a little bit of shock that you allowed yourself to tell your story and your truth. That’s a huge deal. You may have felt that same way no matter when you shared with this person. Letting people see who we really are inside is such a two-edged sword. On one hand it’s the worst feeling in the world because I swear we’re all programed to think if others REALLY knew how we are they wouldn’t like us. On the other hand it can be very liberating, breathing that big sigh of relief when we finally walk out from behind that rock and don’t have to hide anymore. I wonder which experience it will have been for you when the dust settles…

   I’m going to pray that your heart will be at peace in this after a few days have passed. But you know, I’m very proud of you that you didn’t sell yourself out this time. Hugs, C~

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMay 24, 2014 at 4:18 pm

      Hi Cheryl, yes, it was pretty intense to let myself feel all that was around this issue, and you are spot one with me here:

      I’m coming to realize that it’s a fact of life for most of us with eating issues that we don’t feel we have the right to do what’s best for us.

      I still feel guilt and a sense of being ‘bad’ because I didn’t immediately throw on my red cape and fly up to save the day. Truth is I can’t save the day – even if it were in my best emotional and physical interests to do so. The person who called needed me to do this to remove something that really isn’t THEIR job off of their plate, and due to the differences in culture that I alluded to, the person cannot understand at all, outside of me being the biggest selfish bitch in town, why I would not. It is very hard to wear the bad girl bitch costume again. (Even if this is a feeling that only exists in my own mind). But I’ve learned that I cannot control other people’s perceptions. I have zero control. Even if I do everything everyone asks of me, some will still see me as some form of negative. It is hard to swallow.

      But I’m comforted immensely by the feedback from you and the other brave companions. Because while sometimes I AM a big bad B-word, it isn’t always. I have big generous parts of me that some will never perceive. That is their perception, not me. It’s good I finally get this, but it still hurts that I am not one of my own tribe.

      I never will be, because no matter what I do, I cannot overcome the history that pervades the relationships in question. I can only examine myself to make sense of events and attitudes and know my own truth. I think this is the hard lesson. To be ok with who I was, who I am and to know I did my best at all times. And further, to be ok with those involved as the same is true for them. To further realize the my future happiness is in my hands, because I am the one who shapes events in my mind. I can mentally flagellate myself, or accept myself. This is up to me and the only power I truly have.

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      1. Cheryl May 24, 2014 at 9:54 pm

         Amen, Sista!!! (It’s SO easy to say that to someone else! rolls eyes…)

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2. Sandy May 24, 2014 at 8:33 pm

   Happy Birthday to Cheryl and Stefano! And hang in there, Laurie. Good for you for saying the word “no” and standing by it! It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself and that is something to celebrate!

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3. Sue May 25, 2014 at 4:00 am

   Such a powerful podcast and the related comments. I hope you let yourself have a good cry after you did that recording, Laurie. I find that, I can’t force the emotions to come, but when they are so close to the surface it is good to get to a safe place and allow it to happen.

   It is so hard for “people pleasers” to say NO, isn’t it? I hope that when things calm down the other person will think differently about you, but the key point that has been raised is that their reaction is not your responsibility and the anticipation of their response should not stop you from doing the right thing. You are not responsible for the happiness of someone else.

   That must have been a tough podcast to record. Well done for going through with it.

   It is so hard to distance ourselves from the emotional effects of the past. I’ve been learning that it is better for me to face the pain, recognise that I have been wronged or done wrong, acknowledged the consequences of this, then start to act differently towards that person. It is a lot easier to type like this than to do!

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMay 25, 2014 at 8:34 am

      Hi Sue, I DID have a whopping’ big cry or 10 following this event and podcast. After listening, I was also proud of myself, not only for being brave and saying ‘No’ but for figuring out how to tell the story without revealing anything! Pretty tricky puzzle and I was pleased how it came out. I hope your timetabling is going well and that you are also having some time to rest and have fun. All work makes Jill a dull girl and all of that. We miss your wisdom around here, but we get why you need to focus on SUE right now. You were a role model for me! Thanks for taking the time to comment on this emotional day. I appreciate it and send you love and hugs winging their way back to you.

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      1. Sue May 25, 2014 at 8:43 am

         Hi Laurie

         Thanks for your reply. I’m having a quiet day as the asthma has hit me again so I didn’t make it to church :(. But we are going away for a few days in the caravan to a nice place that has lovely waterfalls. I hope I get to see them as I am not supposed to be walking too much. There may not be internet there. It is half term week coming up and so there won’t be any progress on the timetable. We have hit the very difficult stage where it is the last of the year groups where there are most of the lessons involve the same team of teachers being available at the same time so we had to leave it knowing that we still have a real challenge on our hands. I was at school for 10.5 hours on Friday!

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         1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMay 25, 2014 at 8:50 am

            I’m sorry to hear about your asthma. It is a pain not to be able to do all that you might like. The caravan trip sounds wonderful! I love to see and listen to waterfalls. Since you’ve been working so hard and have a mental challenge coming up, I bet time ‘unplugged’ is the very best medicine for letting your mind relax and come up with innovative solutions. For me, while recording shows I have NO idea what I’m going to say, but when I listen to myself while editing the show, I discover my subconscious knew just what I needed to hear. I hope yours will come up with a handy solution and your labors will be easier on your return.

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4. Stéfanie May 25, 2014 at 6:37 am

   Hi Laurie and brave companions! I am very happy to finally be in sync today as I can offer you my support in real time now.

   Laurie, you said YES.
   YES to putting Laurie first.
   YES to being true to yourself.
   YES to letting go over controling others perceptions.

   I am very proud of you and hope you give yourself the ‘bravery of the day’ shoutout. You’ve put this show on friday and we are now sunday, so I hope you are feeling a little better today and that the pain is a little less intense. Of course, saying no has a cost. In the short run, the cost may seem bigger than the advantage, but in the long run, things will turn around.

   Although I totally get why your need to be careful as to what you reveal on this big planet called internet, I do hope you have someone you can completely open to without tiptoeing your way around.

   Big hugs.

   I also wanted to share that episode 46 accompanied me this morning as I runned my best 5k to this date. I am very very proud!!!! Although I was so eager to get here and I am so happy to be in tune with everyone, I was surprised to feel a little sad because I’ve got no more of your podcasts ahead! Don’t worry, I’ll fill the hole by coming more often here and following on threads (note: I might be a little overzealous for the next days or so, don’t worry, it will fade lol)! Also, at the end of my run, as I had no more ‘Lauries’ (thats how I affectionnately call your podcasts), I started to listen to an audio book that was Michelle’s suggestion ‘The will power instinct’ and I like what I’m hearing. Thanks Michelle!

   Stéfanie 🙂

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMay 25, 2014 at 8:29 am

      Hi Stéfanie, congrats on your BEST 5K ever!!!! That is wonderful! Don’t be too sad, because I just returned from recording Day 47 down at the park WITHOUT MY CANE!!! Hooray. I hope to publish it today too. You might, if you haven’t, subscribe to the blog where it says “Subscribe via email” – to the right on a computer, at the bottom part of the page on a Smart phone . Then you will know the INSTANT a new episode or blog post goes live. Thanks for your list of YESes, I like that very much. I may write this list on a card and carry it with me to remind myself of the good way to consider decisions. I am feeling better, and epsiode 47 will catch you all up on what happened and how I’m feeling about it. Post all you like, around here it is safe to be who you are, feel how you feel, and talk or write as MUCH as you want (or as little) 😉

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5. Michelle May 28, 2014 at 6:26 pm

   Hi Laurie, Just a comment about episode 46, I have fallen behind a bit on podcasts so have not listened to the next episode yet. I just wanted to say good for you for standing up and doing what is best for you and being assertive. There is never a good time to start being assertive .Especially when it comes to family. If we waited for a good time we would never assert ourselves. This is something I have a problem with as well, and was the topic of my last therapy session. I have had a little experience with trying to be assertive myself over the last few days in dealing with a car dealership over some repairs that need to be done to my vehicle and the warranty is becoming an issue. So I know I will have to keep asserting myself if I am to win this battle. In the past I would have given up easily and would have been angry with myself for not speaking up. I may still not win but a least I can feel good about speaking my mind and taking care of me.
   I also like the 4 bite rule that you mentioned, and I had that happen to me today, Clothes shopping was the trigger I went beyond 4 bites, but did stop sooner than I would have in the past, because what I was eating lost its appeal , I guess I must have been paying more attention this time, so I will count that as a victory, and I have a healthy dinner packed to eat for work.
   So thanks for the 4 bite tip, and Happy Birthday to Stepano and Cheryl and congratulations to you for your assertiveness. 🙂
   Michelle

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMay 28, 2014 at 8:33 pm

      Hi Michelle, so glad you stopped in! I’m sorry to hear about your car repair woes, but I am super duper PROUD of you for being assertive and feeling entitled to stating your own mind. Pretty wonderful and scary, no? I really like the 4 bit rule too, as it helps me sort the Robot Aliens from the good stuff! Unfortunately, those pesky RAs have been buzzing around me today, and I’m puzzled. All I can figure is that I’ve been on too even of a keel to suit my subconscious. Nothing is going wrong or worrying me on the surface. Oh well, overall I’m making progress and that’s the main thing. I always look forward to your comments and am glad to hear that therapy is still helpful and meaningful to you. Hugs 🙂

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6. Phoebe May 14, 2015 at 3:57 pm

   Hey Laurie – I’m still listening along. Not commenting much – though I have lots to say for every episode, because I have a hard time finding enough time to put my thoughts into words. I end up only having time to do it at work, because I’m with my 3 year old the rest of the time, and I prefer him not to see me at my computer much, and when he’s not moving (aka: sleeping) I’m usually trying to find an hour to watch a little TV or read or take a break from everything and rest, or I’ve fallen asleep! As you can imagine, writing at work is not really ideal. But right now, I’m formatting a drive, so I am sneaking this in.

   I related a lot to what you said about standing up for yourself, and how it was hard to do. I related to the difficult feelings that came up. When I was about 40, I had my first clear experience with this with family and friends. I went through a real change, and said NO in big important self preserving ways on a devastating scale. There was no choice – I could no longer avoid or say yes. I had to protect myself. It was a hard time in my life. I felt very alone in a new way. And tired and weak, though looking back, I think I was being the strongest I’d ever been. I hope you see your strength looking back. I know how much it took.

   You comment here about being a bitch (and getting out your cape – though I know the non-bitch was the one you were talking about in the cape) made me think of a greeting card from the early 90’s with a character called “Bitch Woman.” I can’t find a picture, but the joke was that she was really crabby, and she was chunky, wearing a tight super hero costume and was hovering around in mid air complaining about her bra and PMS. I loved her.

   What all these images really made me think is how lucky we are to have inner bitches. That “bitch” that you talk about is the one that stands up for us. Sometimes she’s doing so much more than complaining about how lousy other people are, or how uncomfortable her clothes are. She is the one who is fearless in the face of injustice. She doesn’t just say NO, but as my friend puts it, she has learned to say HELL NO! The bitches have our backs.

   Could we teach our Bitch Woman to say things more gently, to ourselves and others? Sure. I’m certainly working on it. Your podcast reminded me, though, that our Bitch is our Power. She’s not tidy and clean, but she is direct and protective.

   May the Bitch Be With You! (I’m not really a Star Wars die hard fan, but I have to say – Episode III – Star Wars: Revenge of the Bitch!) Can you tell I’m feeling like a “Bitch Lord” today?

   OK – enough. I’m not trying to make light of what you went through at all. But to celebrate the strength within us, that we so often have a tendency to negatively label.

   I am reading “Eating in the Light of the Moon” at the suggestions on your podcast (thanks all!), and it is reminding me of the power of the feminine – and how so much is masculine in our world – even the way women are expected to behave. I am realizing that the inner bitch is not male – and that is problematic in this time.

   Hope all of this makes sense. And that your grief has past and was resolved.

   Best – Phoebe

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorMay 16, 2015 at 8:47 am

      Hi there Dear Phoebe, It’s so cool that you were able to make time in your busy, busy life to comment. I know what a very big deal that is. I’m so glad you are enjoying Eating in the Light of the Moon it was a book that certainly contributed to my break through moments last year and taught me to think differently about myself. I got quite a chuckle out of what you wrote here:

      Could we teach our Bitch Woman to say things more gently, to ourselves and others? Sure. I’m certainly working on it. Your podcast reminded me, though, that our Bitch is our Power. She’s not tidy and clean, but she is direct and protective.

      May the Bitch Be With You! (I’m not really a Star Wars die hard fan, but I have to say – Episode III – Star Wars: Revenge of the Bitch!) Can you tell I’m feeling like a “Bitch Lord” today?

      Even though, in real time, the events of this show were almost one year ago exactly for me, I remember VIVIDLY the anguish and struggle I felt saying no to this very big thing. It was the first time, I can EVER remember making a clear choice for MYSELF even though, I felt a super Bitch for doing so. I have, in my life before done things, and said things to choose me…but more so in a passive aggressive way, or kind of let my inaction or negative attitude speak for me. I now realize this is MUCH more bitchy to others than to calmly say no directly.

      Also, to let you know, (one of the advantages of hearing my journey in the past, is you can find out IMMEDIATELY if you have any questions about how things went), that situation turned out fine WITHOUT me having to accommodate everyone. I was also able during this last year to build better, authentic relationships with all involved WITHOUT my usual snarky resentment. I feel we are much closer to being Zen, where we are who we are, and we wish each other well.

      I admire your energy and your drive. It is tough all you’ve been through, and it is really cool how you strive to be a good role model for your child. That’s pretty important, as I think most people really DO learn more from the actions of parents than the words. I’m not a parent, but when I was a teacher, it was the same. “Do as I SAY and not as I DO” never works. I’ve also learned to watch that with all relationships. Words are easy, actions show who the people are. Your actions show your thoughtful care. Thanks again for reaching out today. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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