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Podcast Recap
This vacant playground will soon be filled with happy kids out for a fun holiday.
Mentioned
Michelle Mc’s concerned comment about being a ‘bad cyber’ friend on episode 45 and where she tells about HALT No worries, Michelle. Happy 43rd Birthday and all of my best good wishes!
Episode 46 – my big ‘No’ breakthrough
My cool new headphones for my phone interview
Catch up with Laurie
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Bravery Hotline
Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.
Credits
Host: Laurie Weaver
Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1
Resource of the day
Learning to Say “No” Is Part of Success by Ed Batista, from the Harvard Business Review blog. I really enjoyed this ‘business’ based article because it discusses the same principles and techniques as self-help, but hearing them in a new way helped me neutralize the emotional reactive response to saying No. Good Read!
I haven’t listened to this episode yet, but I’ve run across a quote by Carl Jung that I thought was so relevant to what you’ve been dealing with. “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.” I think there’s SO much truth in that.
It’s quoted in a book I’m reading by Barbara Brown Taylor called “Learning to Walk in the Dark.” I’m kind of inhaling it, actually.
Thanks for sharing that, it’s a pretty interesting quote. What other inspiration are you finding in your reading of Learning to Walk in the Dark?
Good, clear subject discussion today. Had the opportunity to go to the movies with our bffs this afternoon. It’s been awhile since we’ve been out together and would have enjoyed it so much. They wanted to go to the movies. But when they told us which movie, his lordship and I both thought, ugh. We hesitated only briefly before saying we didn’t want to see that movie and we’d pass this time. That was a biggie for us as we’ve even been known to go see movies with them we’ve already seen because we enjoy being with them so much. But other times it really is just because we couldn’t bring ourselves to say “no.” We’re people-pleasers, too. So with your last podcast still reverberating through my mind, I had no qualms about declining the date this time, telling them we’d catch up with them later for dinner or something. I did NOT feel any kind of screw-turning in my stomach at all. So I totally agree with everything you talked about on your podcast today.
One other comment about taking on people’s feelings. Some folks are great at being able to listen and keep their personal feelings separate from what they’re hearing (like not letting SOMEONE ELSE’s ponies wander into YOUR corral and then YOU have to deal with them). Others like Michelle (and me) have a tendency to want to help and we feel bad when friends hurt and we’re not there to hurt right along with them, as if by doing so we can relieve them of some of the black emotions. We can’t. Still others (like Mark) don’t know how to deal with the waves of emotion coming from someone who is hurting. They get uncomfortable and just want the problem to go away.
Seems to me there’s a lesson in that last podcast for all of us. If we’re ever to be healthy emotionally, one of the things we must learn is to let others express their own feelings and emotions WITHOUT taking them on ourselves or feeling like something’s going to be REQUIRED OF US in the end if we listen, which is maybe why Mark has a hard time with it. And listening to your podcasts and each other is a terrific venue for practicing that skill. We CAN learn to be empathetic without our relationships becoming too symbiotic. I believe that’s how we actually learn to be there for each other.
I’m reading a book right now by Barbara Brown Taylor called “Learning to Walk in the Dark.” She talks a lot in it about how as a culture we’ve learned to separate emotions into good and bad and label certain emotions (anger, sadness, guilt…) as “dark” emotions. But that’s wrong. emotions are just emotions, and if we’re bound and determined to never deal with our “dark” emotions, we’re missing out on a lot of healthy, wonderful things we can learn. Thus the title of her book. You were walking in the dark in that last podcast, Laurie. And, as you said, you learned that the world didn’t stop spinning because you said no. That’s a perfect example of what she’s talking about. That’s a real encouragement for all of us.
I loved the birds in the background today, btw. Just like listening to a nature cd!
You are quite right Cheryl. People pleasers like us probably very much crave for healthy relashionships. Working on our listening skills can only be useful – not only will it be good for the other person, but we will be proud of ourself for doing it right. And feeling profound satisfaction is very healthy for US.
That sense of profound satisfaction you mention, Srefanie, is something I so don’t feel often enough. I think even when I do things, good things, for all the right reasons and it turns out well, there is a part of me that has to sabotage my efforts and make me feel like I had mixed motives for doing whatever it was. Now THAT voice is something I need to learn to say “No! Not true!” to…
Hey Cheryl, LOVE this saying, it made me LOL!
I’m so glad you didn’t go to the movie that you didn’t want to go see. That is SO what I would usually do too. Kind of an “Whatever” to myself. It is so tricky to walk that balance of caring for others and yet, remaining self-protecting in a good way. I’m starting to think, once we get a handle on that, we will be more willing to extend ourselves, because it won’t seem so likely that our wants and needs will drown in the other person’s whirlpool.
PS, glad you like the birds, I have some VERY vocal bird bits in today’s episode. This one is tricky to edit, so we’ll see if it goes live today or tomorrow.
Hi Laurie- I enjoyed your podcast very much. Yes, I would say that I do have a history of people pleasing. I think I fell into it as a child, it was a way to keep oneself safe and protected. I also think for me, it had a bit to do with shame- this need, to overcompensate for other things- that if I was useful , I could find love, that I might not be someones first choice but if they could just see how useful and valuable I could be, the parts of me that I couldn’t change would be overlooked. So when I feel I might be disappointing someone, the child in me worries that I will lose their affection and they will find somebody else and I will be left in the dark, so people pleasing has lots of entanglements for me. It was good to hear you voice and to know that you were feeling well enough to walk. I would like to comment on the other posts in this thread, but I need to clean up and do a few other housekeeping duties. I will return again tomorrow- Good night Laurie
“that if I was useful , I could find love, that I might not be someones first choice but if they could just see how useful and valuable I could be, the parts of me that I couldn’t change would be overlooked.”
Gawd, Michelle, you ripped my heart clean out with that comment. I SO, SO understand exactly what you mean… I would rather be someone’s consolation prize than be of no consequence to no on at all. Sigh…
Another poignant quote from you that I used today. So many suprising themes that unite us.
Hi Cheryl,
I am getting better now at making sure to click the notify me of follow up comments now so I can better respond to people, in the past I have often forgotten to visit the website or check the comment section again. I listen to Laurie’s podcasts mainly on my phone and I can bring up the website on my phone but I can’t make comments on it or such, so sometimes it takes me a few days longer to get to the website. Thank you for your kind comments! It was nice you responded. When I wrote that, I was hestitant to share so much vulnerability, I tend to censor myself until I trust the waters more but Laurie has inspired me to take more emotional risks so I did, I wrote how I really feel without any qualifers or hedging. The great thing about this website/podcasts/community is how affirming everyone is. Kudos to Laurie for creating her site and kudos to you Cheryl for being so kind and supportive.
Hey Michelle (McK)! You know, I think Laurie’s absolute honesty has made a big impact on me as well. I find that I’m beginning to just say what I feel (hopefully in a nice way) — even when I KNOW what the outcome may be. I’m so appreciative of the courage her podcast has given me to do that. And that goes for everyone else here, too. Thanks for being so willing to make yourself vulnerable. People who don’t struggle with these self-image issues haven’t any idea how brave that was. {{{Hugs}}} Cheryl/Calen~
Just wanted to add my “Brava” here for you Michelle AND to you Cheryl, it IS terrifying to say our actual feelings and we should ALL be on the bravery report for doing so.
I’m with Cheryl, your comment here made me cry it is so close to what I’ve felt my whole life. Hugs to you, dear Michelle, you are a first choice in my heart. 🙂
My handsomefacedfriend and I were looking for cards the other day, I saw this and thought of you and the Wonderful Mark.
http://www.jokideo.com/liz-regrets-asking-her-husband-to-share-his-feelings-more/
:}
Pretty funny! 😉
I missed this! That’s hilarious! My hubby would do that just to get me to shut up!
Wasn’t that a good one! Thanks again, Brandi! 😉
Also, I just finished listening to the podcast. and then read these comments. I do not have anything profound or helpful – I just wanted to give everyone a big ol hug.
Big ol hug to you too! You are officially on the bravery report for calling the bravery hotline. 🙂
Loved this episode. I have been a people pleaser all my life and I’m breaking out of it ever since I’ve seen my kids do the same things as me..not wanting to disappoint someone so they say yes. Great job of doing things your way…now just always stand up for yourself and feel good about your decisions…it gets easier each time you do it..
Hi Jodi! Yep, that people pleasing has really been a theme in my life – and the opposite too, the rebelling against what ‘others’ wish me to do. It is eye-opening to me how little, to this point, I have identified and acted on what I want. Thanks for the encouragement and I think it’s stellar that you are thinking about helping your kids model a healthier way. Brava!
Now that you mention it, that’s really true, Laurie. Some people I’m really rebellious with, others I can’t been over far enough to please. You have me wondering now if I actually categorize them in two separate groups or if they overlap. And why… Going to have to mull that one over. Interesting…
Hi Jodi- I can relate to what you said about your heart breaking when your kids do the same as you. I have struggled with low self esteem for most of my life and it hurts so much to see my son have that same battle. I hope to see you here more often.
I just started listening to your podcasts. I came across them by chance while searching for something to listen to as I go to bed. I listened to the one where you wished people would post comments and I almost got out of bed and posted one right then. Your message may seem simple but is so important. We all have insecurities and speaking them out loud helps takes away their power. I have been a yo yo dieter all my adult life and the fact that I’m in my 60’s doesn’t mean that I have given up on being at a healthy weight. I admire you for reading the thoughts in my head and speaking them out loud for me.
Hi Janet! Welcome, I’m so happy and grateful that you took a chance and said hello to me. Thanks too for letting me know how you found the podcast, I’m also very interested in that. You will discover later on in the series that the listeners (and I) are called the brave companions, because we ARE brave to think about these issues at all. If you feel comfortable, post an into on our “Who are the brave companions” page. It can be as brief as Howdy, and as long as you wish. You can tell about yourself, your story, what you like to do, it’s up to you. It’s a way that us brave companions can get to know one another. Welcome again to our little band. We are so glad you are here!
Welcome, Janet. And I’ve got to say I’m so glad to hear that there are other 60-somethings that haven’t given up on being healthy. I’m 63 and I’m still workin’ on it. It bothers me that every time I yo-yo back up I feel horrible at a lower weight. I know there’s a lesson to be learned there. And I sure think you’re right that calling something by it’s name robs it of its power. I found that to be true of nightmares when I was growing up! Hope you keep listening and posting. It’s really nice to meet you.
Welcome Janet. I relate to you comment about being a yo yo dieter. I defintely would say I am/was. I can never seem to finally figure out this weight thing. It seems to constantly elude me. I hope you enjoy the podcasts and return often.
“I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody.” – Herbert Swope
Oh my goodness the emotion in this podcast touched my soul, you were looking after you and your needs and I am so very proud of you
x
p.s. you are going to be able to track my progress
Morning Jo! You are right, your comment path let’s me relive a little bit of my life. I remember this show vividly, and it was a breakthrough. I have the luxury of being “future” Laurie to the Laurie of those shows, so it IS very interesting to revisit each situation from a new perspective and wisdom to think about what I did during the past times. The situation I said no to is one I slightly regret. However, the fact that at the time, it was best for me to say no, and I DID it, is amazing. So I let go of that regret and know I was trying to truly take care of myself and no answer is ever perfect for all. Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. xoxoxoxoxoxo