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Heavy topic today, but I’m truly enjoying this “stop and smell the roses moment”.
Podcast Recap
Today’s walk is all about truths we hide from ourselves. What’s under the drive to fill our guts with food? I take a hard look at my people pleasing and the resulting rage, my relationships and why I may have kept on re-gaining weight.
Photos from today’s walk
See Facebook.com/compulsiveovereatingdiary for photos I took during today’s podcast
Mentioned
Laurie’s Sparkpeople team for listeners of the podcast and for those dealing with compulsive overeating, binge eating, or emotional eating issues who’d like support. – Closed 10/22/14 due to lack of participation
Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.
Credits
Host: Laurie Weaver
Main Theme: I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1
Awesome podcast… I can so relate to everything you were saying.
Dee, I’m so glad. My hope is that by sharing these feelings out loud we can encourage each other. Thanks so much for taking the time to encourage me today. It means so much to me. *Hugs*
Laurie, I just discovered your podcasts via my Pocket Casts mobile app, and I think it’s marvellous that you are doing this! Your courage — and the fact that you are making the effort to overcome the binge-urge by recording your thoughts — is truly inspiring. I tried to start a blog once but gave up after the second post and I don’t share personal feelings/opinions on my FB page. I have never felt that anyone would want to hear about my experiences, nor that I have anything of worth to say and share with the world. So I totally understand the misgivings you expresses in another podcast. But remember this: you are reaching people even if they choose not to comment – and like me, they may find you via an iphone app and simply listen & digest. And, anyhow, even if there were no audience at all, whatever you have shared IS inherently of great worth — because YOU are inherently worthy. Now, if I can just keep remembering this for myself, I might stop bingeing & hurting myself ; ). In any case, please keep doing this – you’re not just helping yourself – you are helping people far away (Down Under) like me!
Hello Lou! It is so exciting to see your thoughtful post. Wow, someone from Down Under, that is so exotic for me. Just think I’m just spilling my guts into a recorder in my local park and somehow, we connect half a world away. Your comment brought tears to my eyes, it meant so much. I do feel like a great big boob saying all that I say during these episodes, but honest is what I promised myself, and I must say, it is helping. Just two small binges in about 4 weeks. A record for me. Amazing how much of my eating is tied to not wanting to feel, and if I’ve already felt and processed by talking, the compulsion is really reduced. And to know that my rambling is doing good for others too is amazing and humbling. Please stop by any time and post your thoughts. I care what you have to say and I’d love to know what you face. I’d love to build a community of support just for feeling however we feel. Thanks again Lou, you were a needed blessing for me today. 🙂
Oh my! You have left me in a tangle tonight as I’m sitting here now thinking about that whole “feeling in your gut” thing. I know exactly what you mean about how you feel in anticipating or dreading certain things. Like you, I’m a people pleaser, too. I don’t know how to say “no” in a healthy way when someone asks something of me. It makes me feel selfish. That being said, is saying “yes” to people, to doing things some kind of “currency” to me? Do I use “yes” to “buy” people’s friendships, or family’s love? Ergo, do I say “yes” to myself when I want to indulge in my food addiction as a way to prove to me that I love me? If so, that’s kind of a convoluted form of self-love.
That thought is going to be with me for awhile, and I’ll bet I’m a bit more aware of what’s going on inside the next time I want a treat… Great show, girlfriend!
I’ve often thought that the eating was a kind of self-love attempt, especially when I’m feeling the lack from other sources. But lately, I think for me, it’s been almost more of a punishment to go with my inner feeling of being bad. The more fit I am, the better I feel about myself. Weird subconscious logic, dictates if I’m not feeling good about myself, my body should reflect it, and in my world, fat=bad. Therefore, if I can break the cycle and feel good, even when my body is larger, than I am more successful with eating. But then again, maybe both are true for me. The only thing that’s for sure is that no one thing has been my answer. Looking forward to more of your thoughts, interesting to ponder.
Hi Laurie-
I found your podcast a week or so ago searching on iTunes. I finally had a chance to listen today (i actually listened to the first 6 in a row!) and I wanted to say thank you. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Thank you for putting it all out there! I really never knew anyone felt the same way I did. You give me a lot to think about and reflect upon. Looking forward to catching up over the next week or so 🙂
tove
Hi tove, thanks so much for taking the time to stop by and leave me this encouragement. I’m glad too that you found us! When I first started, I had no idea how many people could relate to the same issues that I deal with. By episode 19 or so, I start to call us all, the “Brave Companions”. You might like to post a hello on our “Who are the brave companions” page. You can say as much or as little as you like. It’s a place where people can learn more about each other. Thanks too for letting me know how you found the podcast, I’m always interested in that. You all give ME a lot to reflect on with your comments and it has helped me so very much. I’ll be recording episode 55 tomorrow or the next day, so feel free to jump ahead to that one once it’s up, because I will say Hi to you! It won’t hurt to listen out of order, though most brave companions don’t. They like to listen to all of the journey from the beginning. 🙂
Hey! Belated welcome, Tove! Glad to have you join us. Hope you’ll jump right in and get involved in the discussion. There’s always so much to learn as we share with each other. Especially that we’re not all that unique when it comes to weight issues.
Hi Laurie,
I’m so pleased I have found your podcasts through searching on iTunes like Tove did, and I have also listened to several podcasts in a row.
Today I went out for my usual jog and listened to your podcasts while jogging, time went so much quicker and I could relate to so much.
I have followed couch to 5k podcasts a few years back and lost weight, also I learnt to eat smaller portions as well, then what do I go and do, you guessed it I learnt to compulsive eat and have nearly put all weight back on that I lost (even thoe I still jog etc).
Now I’m in the mental mind battles each day, you can have lots of good days but likewise you can have lots of bad.
There has been so many podcasts out there which I have downloaded and they have been rubbish and of no help at all, nothing like this , please keep up the good work we are all listening, you are helping us all, many thanks x
Hi there, Helen. So glad you found Laurie’s podcast. The folks on here are genuine and caring. It’s a great atmosphere to share what’s on your heart. So welcome!!!
Hi Helen, I’m so glad you found us and that the show is making your jogs more fun! That’s one reason I decided to do this show. I love to listen to podcasts while I hike and walk, so I thought maybe I could be a companion to others who like to listen while they exercise or stroll. I had no idea when I began that there were so many of us who have similar issues and feelings under our relationships to food. I just knew that I felt very alone and needed a place to talk. Now you can’t shut me up! There are so many wonderful brave companions here to share with you too. Thanks for taking the time to comment and encourage me. I hope you will come back often and post when things strike you, or to share what you are going through. The more the merrier, and it really is a wonderful group of people who come around here. PS, Jump ahead and listen to Day 58 once it goes live, as I’ll say hello to you near the start of that episode when I record it 🙂
thank you very much for my shout out and am continuing to listen to your amazing voice, sharing all your feelings and personal thoughts with us, it really does help x
You are so welcome Helen! But without all of you, I wouldn’t have so many thoughts figured out to share. We truly ARE companions in our journeys.
Hi Helen 🙂 welcome to the BC community 🙂
Hi Tove! I too binged my way through all episodes to be up-to-date. I know the feeling!!!
Welcome to the community! Come and share when you can! Stéfanie 🙂
Hi Helen, welcome to this lovely community. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Lots of thoughts after this one! I just let them stew and then worry about what to say, how to be clear, and feeling overwhelmed. If it’s okay I’ll just try to not worry, because then I procrastinate and avoid. I’ll just write what I can and I can always write more later.
I connected with the gut feelings and the rage.
I used to get so irritated with diet books or groups who would say you need to listen to your gut. I always felt like my gut was part of the problem. It never felt satisfied. I remember at a WW meeting, the leader said something like “Before you eat something, ask yourself if you REALLY want it.” And I looked around the room thinking, “does that actually work for anyone here?” I felt it was just like telling a heroin addict to stop and ask herself if she really wanted that heroin. Of COURSE she does! And she wants right now. Maybe she doesn’t want to want it, but she wants it. I tried to bring this up in the meeting, but was told, well, that’s not the same thing. I feel like in my brain, it is. I think cereal and chips hijack the same pleasure pathways that drugs or alcohol do in other people.
I also remember reading a magazine article about having a cabinet full of goodies so you always know they will be there and you don’t have to feel panic about being deprived. Maybe that would work at a certain point, or for some people, but when I’m really having cravings I feel like that cupboard would be bare in no time.
I also wonder deeply if the hunger/satiety connection between my gut and my brain were broken a long time ago. I was born at only 5 pounds. According to my mom, her doctor told her it was her duty as a mother to get me on solid food as soon as possible. Who knows what he was thinking or what the experts thought was best in 1969. No breast feeding, certainly. But it seems like it would have been common sense to let a baby’s digestive system develop a bit! Anyway, I would be fed, and throw up, and be fed again. I must have been one of the few bulimic babies on the block. My light green childhood carpet was covered in tan stains. And the doctor was an authority figure, my tiny gut had no authority in this situation. It was talking loudly, but that just made me a “difficult baby.” Mom said, “You were always having a stomach ache and you would cry and cry.” Ya think?
Growing up, nobody told us they loved us, but we were fed and cared for materially. Now that I’m an adult, I know it was weird. But back then, I considered it “normal.” At least for us.
In the podcast you talked about pleasing others, or acting in a certain way to make others comfortable. That struck a chord, too. My brother and I have always had to kind of anticipate our parents’ moods, and try to please them. If we failed to do so, it was very uncomfortable. My brother was blond and cute and never overweight, and he was Mom’s golden child. I was chubby and awkward and an embarrassment to her. It seemed like the criticism was relentless. It still does. It always seemed like my needs, my personality, my identity as a separate human being was never considered. I was an inconvenience, not a person. “People see you as reflections of themselves,” I think you said. Maybe that’s why she picked on my in particular. Maybe that’s why my dad was so disappointed in my failure to be thin and pretty.
In the podcast you reflected on the questions “What do I want? Do I have a choice?” I grew up learning that I had no choices. And if I did make a choice, I risked disapproval. I don’t even know what I want. I just want to avoid unpleasantness and pain.
I haven’t started on any dietary changes yet in listening to these podcasts. The idea seems overwhelming at this point. I’m afraid of feeling the deprivation and failure I have felt so many times.
Another sign of avoidance and overwhelm: cluttered drawers, cluttered basement, overflowing basket of mail, old clothes I never wear (or can’t wear) and a bazillion projects abandoned or not started. I know whatever keeps me headed for the food is the same thing that keeps me in avoidance and procrastination of making progress and making my life work better.
Oh Suz, it is all so familiar. Besides my own experiences which mirror many of yours, many of the other brave companions also have these issues. I believe you are correct about the heroin/food connection in that we want the relief from pain, boredom, rage, from stuff we don’t want to face. We sometimes use food for that, and in that case, OF COURSE WE WANT IT! But in other cases, we may find the food itself appealing. We may be hungry for that particular thing, and that’s what the leader was saying. WW and other diet programs are not equipped to do the emotional work that some of us need. They do give some good tools, but basically, it is an external program, where you WILL LOSE WEIGHT if you follow the plan, but if more than slightly overeating is your issue, it means that you must externally follow these program rules and you will still have the other issues underneath. I wish now I had been in therapy the whole time I lost with WW last time. Maybe I would have been able to maintain a bit more. I also procrastinate decluttering. Have you heard of flylady.net? She’s great at breaking these down into small, doable steps. Anyway, here’s a good thought that helps me. I say, “What can I do in this one moment now to make my life better”. It may be pick up the dirty socks, take a deep breath, find a movie you really want to see, call a friend, peel some veggies for later, any small thing. It helps you move out of the negative and helps you learn what you want.