1. Stéfanie September 1, 2014 at 9:55 am

   I’ve been pondering a lot about the ‘unsollicited advice’ topic that has been ongoing for a couple of episodes now. This discussion has had the effect of focusing my attention on situations, feelings, people that relate to this topic. I have been more sensitive and aware to anything in relation to this.

   One of the things that has come to my attention many times this week (like there’s a message the universe is sending… I’m listening!) is my office buddy’s capacity to SO EASILY just brush off unsollicitated advice. It’s fascinating. To put you in context, he’s a very much grown man living the life of a busy bachelor that just won’t settle for the classic model of love relashionships. Of course, as I am in the education field, most of the collegues are gals. So, everyone is trying to diagnose, fix and tell him what he should do to ‘solve’ this. I have even notice that he gets a real kick out of NOT DOING as he is told he should. Man, is that ever so the complete opposite feeling I get when unsollicited advice comes to me… as I am more like you, as you’ve expressed so well in the last episodes.

   So… I haven’t re-listened to your last episodes and maybe I forgot that you’ve mentionned this already. But the point to take home for me in this story is – not only do I need to name out loud the fact that I do not want unsollicited advice, but, when it does come to me, I also need to learn to brush it off in a more easy manner, just as my colleague does. Is it possible that unsollicited advice makes me mad or sad because it reflects my own incapacity to push it away with confidence? Is it possible that I project on the ‘unsollicited advisor’ my own frustration with myself’s inability to stand my ground? I so much hate that part of me that’s a real weather-vane and that unwanted advice just brings to surface that part of me I wish was different.

   Well… In anycase, the lesson here is ASSERTIVENESS… Thanks for that food for thought. xxx

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorSeptember 1, 2014 at 10:31 am

      Hi Stéfanie, I think you bring up a really great point.

      …not only do I need to name out loud the fact that I do not want unsollicited advice, but, when it does come to me, I also need to learn to brush it off in a more easy manner, just as my colleague does. Is it possible that unsollicited advice makes me mad or sad because it reflects my own incapacity to push it away with confidence? Is it possible that I project on the ‘unsollicited advisor’ my own frustration with myself’s inability to stand my ground? I so much hate that part of me that’s a real weather-vane and that unwanted advice just brings to surface that part of me I wish was different.

      I think, for me, that much of my anger and rage toward others is my own lack of trust in MYSELF to set and maintain a healthy boundary. Therefore, I am angry that the other person “put me in this uncomfortable position”, and I also think that is one clue about my isolating and running behaviors. I run/isolate rather than face the discomfort of being assertive. You are right in that I think I did a great job stating that I don’t want unsolicited advice, but what if I get some? My default, may be to think, “Didn’t they HEAR me?”. But my reality is that even if the person is aware of my wishes, they may have forgotten, not realized that what they are communicating IS advice (since it seems so obvious to them), or otherwise they may just be communicating as best they can in the moment. So another piece I’m working on is as you say, to brush it off and to be solid in my own wishes. This used to be hard for me, since I didn’t know what I wanted. I used to cover up so much with food and with avoidance that I truly had little inner core of “Laurieiness”. Now I spend much of my compulsive brain time figuring out my true wishes, wants, needs, dreams etc. so I can better measure what *I* do and say and what others do and say against that. I assume, unless proven otherwise, that the person means well and I take it that way. BUT now I say, “Thanks for your input” and move on, if they don’t have a close relationship with me. If they do, then I restate, “Thanks for trying to help, but I really don’t want any advice on that issue. I’m working it through for myself right now. Thanks for understanding”.

      Both sides of the boundary setting coin are equally difficult for me, but this work has proven to have some of the best overall benefits in my overall life and in creating better and more authentic relationships.

      Thanks for spurring me to think about this!

      xoxoxox

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2. Dawny September 2, 2014 at 7:17 am

   as always Laurie, another GREAT release.. =-) I really can relate to what your saying about the scheduling aspect. i was pretty OCD to the point that I lost some valuable relationships in my life because they being spontaneous could not equate to my ‘scheduling/planning’ compulsive-ness and there-for made some snide remarks regarding “I know we didn’t PLAN…” or “I know you PLAN and/or SCHEDULE EVERYTHING so we didn’t ask you because it was the last minute….. ” I for one couldn’t handle being mocked, but as well, my scheduling/planning life interfered with their non-routine schedule. The successful ending to this for me is the ‘soft’ plan to which you described, having plans, and schedules for appts, or things like ‘plays’ as you said you have tickets, but not to the point of FREAKING out if the schedule or plan doesn’t go accordingly..
   I love how alike we are

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorSeptember 3, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      Yeppers Dawny, I don’t think I have quite kicked the schedule/planning thing as yet. Even today I was sending Alen lists before our interview, even though we meant to wing it. I still tend to look to lists and calendars to control anxiety. Illusion my dear, Illusion.
      xoxoxo

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3. Marquita September 2, 2014 at 4:47 pm

   Laurie,

   I can really relate to the isolate/run thing to avoid being assertive. I have actually hid in my house when someone comes to the door I do not want to face. Very sad, but I think I may be a bit more assertive now. 🙂 It is painful when I know I need to face a situation and a person head on, but fear the repercussions. The fear just makes me feel more shame and inadequacy. On the bright side, the situations that I did choose to face didn’t seem as bad as I thought and I felt an overwhelming relief after! I think it’s important to be gentle with ourselves and realize change takes work and time.

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorSeptember 3, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      I’m laughing WITH you on this one Marquita,

      I have actually hid in my house when someone comes to the door I do not want to face.

      Because I have done the EXACT same thing! (And thought I was the only one) 😉

      I think you are so right that we need to be gentle with ourselves about these things. And just becoming aware is a big step toward change, I’ve found.

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4. Cheryl September 3, 2014 at 9:59 am

   It’s amazing to me (after reading through the above comments) how we each take away from these podcasts the things that are pertinent to us. And yet in reading back through them, it seems like they all pertain to me! Stefanie put her finger on my relationship with my sister. I read her comment three times. It gave me lots of food for thought.

   Your comments that stuck out to me the most today were about the need to be in control and the “checking out” when we’re confronted with giving in to the needs of others, even when it may not be in our best interest.

   I confess, I did exactly that this morning. I was all set to stick my earphones in and listen to this podcast when the phone rang. It was a long-distance call from a friend in Michigan. I knew if I answered it I’d be on there all morning and I wouldn’t get to listen. BUT, since it’s not always about me — that’s how I make sure I’m not being self-centered, I think, telling myself that — I did answer it. It became apparent there was a lot of drama going on in her family and this would be a long call. I listened for about 45 minutes but then said I was going to have to go because I have some visiting to do with shut-ins today and had to get going.

   The truth was, I DO have visiting I’m going to be doing, but NOT THIS MORNING. Instead of being able to say to my friend, I really need to go now, I’ll call you back and we’ll finish catching up later, I lied. Sort of. That seems to be MY response, MY way of bailing when my back is to the wall. I never outright lie, but I sure have a way of being able to compromise the truth.

   I wish I could get to the point where I could just be honest with other people about what I need. I did have a busy day today as I have a lunch date before I go visiting, but I just don’t seem to be able to get to that place in my life where I’m entitled to HAVE my own life. How in the world does one get there?

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorSeptember 3, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      I wish I could get to the point where I could just be honest with other people about what I need. I did have a busy day today as I have a lunch date before I go visiting, but I just don’t seem to be able to get to that place in my life where I’m entitled to HAVE my own life. How in the world does one get there?

      I think this question might be a good one to toss out for BC opinion on the show. It was very hard for me to do the show about boundaries and THAT was an easy communication compared to what you are describing. Somehow we seem to have a real fear about revealing need. I wonder what this is? You think we didn’t GET our needs met? Maybe we got a bad result from sharing needs? Maybe people are so used to us caretaking they can’t relate to us as needing care? Maybe we can’t relate to ourselves? I wonder if it is similar to our body image. Do we have a “care taking” image to maintain where we need the ‘appearance’ of always being ready and willing when the reality is some days we can’t be there? Interesting points to ponder there, Cheryl. Thanks for bringing this up.
      xoxoxox

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      1. Cheryl September 3, 2014 at 4:24 pm

         Just thought I’d add here, I listened to the podcast and was poised to hop in the shower before my friend came to pick me up for lunch, and with one foot literally in the tub, my four-year-old grandson Ethan called to tell me what he’d done at preschool today and what books he was reading. (And really, I think, to see if I’d sent him the new Halloween books I’d gotten the boys! LOL)

         Why I answer that d*mn phone when I’m getting in the tub is a part of that being entitled to my own time issue. Why not just let it take a message? Because someone might actually NEED me? I promised Ethan I’d call him back (he heard the water running in the background and wanted to know what it was) after I was finished. After I showered and dried my hair I called my friend and asked her to give me an extra 15 minutes as I needed to call Ethan. She loves my grandkids so she was cool with that. But still MY issue spilled over into HER life. If she’d been on a tight schedule would I have “lied” to her, too?

         Btw, had a lovely 20 minute chat with Ethan. He’s quite a conversationalist! LOL

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         1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorSeptember 5, 2014 at 2:07 pm

            Oh man, I so get that feeling of being about to do something (like stepping into the bath) and then the evil master phone interrupts your flow. It was really hard to learn to let that thing ring. Though since it was Ethan, I’m PROUD of you for saying you’d call him back. At that age it’s fun to hear what they have to say, isn’t it? While I enjoyed my adult niece’s visit, I kind of missed the little girl I used to dazzle with Alice in Wonderland. 🙂

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