1. Suz October 7, 2014 at 8:40 am

   Hi Laurie!
   Boy, did I hear and recognize your perfectionism and your high expectations of yourself at the beginning of this podcast! And I have something to say, but take it with a grain of salt because I do *exactly* the same thing. I noticed the words you used in describing your disappointment about your character acting lesson. Words like “brutal” and “devastating.” What heavy words! I think the words more represent how you felt rather than the reality of the lesson. We are both deep-feeling, very sensitive people. And it’s probably why we anticipate the worst, torture ourselves with what-ifs, and catastrophize disappointments that in the true scheme of life aren’t as big a deal as we make them.
   Once during a piano lesson I had a second grader start crying because I was stopping him and wanting to work on a rhythm he wasn’t getting quite right. He was so upset that he hadn’t gotten it right, the he got himself all worked up, and it was hard for him to even hear my intructions, OR my encouragement! That kid was already a perfectionist, and it hurt to see the high expectations and the devastation he felt over something so minor as a slight rhythm correction.
   Something in us tells ourselves if we can’t do something well, or not as well as we were hoping to, that somehow we’re not okay. It causes a level of distress that is way out of proportion with reality. And one of the hardest parts is, we KNOW this logically, but yet when the adrenaline is rising and the blood is pounding in our ears, it’s hard to hear the voice of reason.
   I recognize this so much in myself. I notice my dad does it too! He picks the most severe language. I remember he once found out that I had saved some silver dollars I had gotten for my birthday as a child in a ceramic box in my bedroom. He said he was “appalled” that I would treat money that way. I don’t even know what that means, but “appalled”? Isn’t that word better reserved for things like extreme filth? Isn’t “devastated” better for tsunamis and earthquakes? “Brutal” for child abuse? I know, we choose words to describe how things felt, but what if we tried other words, like when you add “brave” to something…like “I bravely bombed!” , try purposely using less extreme words than you feel, like “Well, that was slightly unpleasant. That chafed a bit.” I don’t know if it would help defuse some of the emotional charge of other words, but maybe it’s worth a try. I should mention I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just thinking out loud (in typing) about things I should probably try.

   Annnnnd! Foolish Fun! Just hearing how delighted and happy you sounded over your song (which I call “Laurie’s Garden”) made my day! I’m so happy that YOU were so happy! So thank you so much for your enthusiasm and appreciation. I was so happy about your happiness I didn’t even mind my mistakes! Haha. Looking forward to hearing you sing your song again 🙂 If you have any other songs rolling around in your head, let me know.
   And thank you so much for putting me on the Bravery Report. It made me feel good! And I’ll continue to be aware of the Bravery Report in my head, too! 😛
   Also, I loved all the really really reallys at the end…your whole vocal range! May be some character voices hidden in there!
   ****Can’t wait to hear how your first meeting went!!!******
   ~suz

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 7, 2014 at 10:28 am

      Suz, you sure nailed what I was going for in my “Letting Go” story today.

      Boy, did I hear and recognize your perfectionism and your high expectations of yourself at the beginning of this podcast! And I have something to say, but take it with a grain of salt because I do *exactly* the same thing. I noticed the words you used in describing your disappointment about your character acting lesson. Words like “brutal” and “devastating.” What heavy words! I think the words more represent how you felt rather than the reality of the lesson. We are both deep-feeling, very sensitive people. And it’s probably why we anticipate the worst, torture ourselves with what-ifs, and catastrophize disappointments that in the true scheme of life aren’t as big a deal as we make them.

      I did choose the words carefully to illustrate how it really felt and the depth of pain that was. And then, later, in the day, after Mark and I went out to linner (early dinner in other words). I really understood how my catastrophizing of more neutral events had been keeping me in chains of fear, if that makes sense. SO you are 100% correct, that what we tell ourselves can make a big difference. Just like the bravery phrase. I am trying now to come up with pocket phrases to tell myself when things don’t go my way that will help take the disaster out – unless it truly is justified. All of life lived on the highs and lows of perfectionism is exhausting. You are either excited with possibility, low with despair, or isolating and hiding out to get your energy back. That’s why I added the word “Balanced” to this episode title. I’m trying to take lumps in a more balanced way that keeps my energy where it needs to be for me to have brave adventures, like singing with your accompaniment.

      I so get the story of your student too. My singing teacher yesterday 1. confirmed my sinuses are a wreck from allergies, and I DON’T physically have much range to work with. It wasn’t all in my mind, it was also in my body. 2. She sees when I am down on myself and then I can’t hit the notes with forward energy. Negative STOPS energy in singing, and I think in life. So I’m on a mission to retrain myself to expect the best. Expect I’ll hit the note. Expect the group will go well. Expect the brave companions get me. And if experience shows otherwise, I will only have to deal with it at that time and not for days and years ahead. Learn from feedback, adjust, try again, adjust and so we go. This is tough, I’m an entrenched Eeyore type who wants to become a Tigger 😉

      Thanks so much for the encouragement and for letting my song live in real music. It was so awesome. It makes me feel anything is possible.
      xoxoxoxoxox

      PS I’m REALLY really ReAlly glad you picked up on my joke at the end 😉

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      1. Suz October 8, 2014 at 3:51 pm

         Heehee at “Eeryore” type! I am an Eeyore too!! With a dash of Piglet thrown in. I adore Eeyore because I identify with him. Tigger would be too frenetic for my nerves, I think! And I love that all of the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood accept and include Eeyore just the way he is. I doubt I could ever reach Tigger Level, but a healthier Eeyore would be good.

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2. Suz October 7, 2014 at 10:56 am

   [Aside]: I wish I could click on a “like” for your great resources and to show support for other posters too. I can tell I’m way too conditioned by Facebook to want to click “Like” on all the good stuff I see!

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 7, 2014 at 11:13 am

      Yes it’s true this site isn’t as integrated with social media as it could possibly be. For one, that dependency can cause a break in my show’s feed if one of the media partners change the way they integrate, so I avoid any complication I can in the code. But I also like to think of COD as a bit of an earlier, more gentle, thoughtful time of the internet where we used words to communicate more than lightening fast likes. Where our brave commenters Don’t need to worry if their post got less likes than another. I am basically an old poop developer who misses “the old days”. 😉 but I’m glad you’ve found resources and comments you’d like to support. Hmmm, also, if you post here “I really loved x article” and why, that makes a better show mention than, this post got x number of likes… Hmmm, I must have SOME reason’ OR I’m focused elsewhere OR, like I said, I’m an onry old poop! Xoxo 😉

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      1. Suz October 7, 2014 at 11:17 am

         Ah! I feel ya. I understand your reasoning. I’m kind of old fashioned that way, too.
         I’m just used to the whole “like” thing. I didn’t even know it was possible to integrate. 2,4,6,8, we don’t wanna integrate. Oh no no no no, bad bad connotations!!!
         I just read the Fear of Failure link and really really liked it. I need to practice writing and learning to formulate thoughts..I tend to get a rush of ideas, and then they clog up, and I go blank. It’s kinda like thought constipation.
         Also a bad connotation. I better stop while I’m behind! LOL

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         1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 7, 2014 at 11:20 am

            Like xoxo 😉

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3. Cheryl October 8, 2014 at 3:52 pm

   Your experience with your voice acting class is such a textbook example of how we all have supersonic hearing when it comes to negative comments but can hardly hold on to positive ones. Researchers say for every negative comment we receive, we need to hear five (or it may have been six) positive ones to begin to undo the “damage.” Being in a class is the hardest place for that to happen, isn’t it…

   One of the things that has kept me from serious writing for years is the fear of critiques. I wrote for our denomination’s newsletter for two years and even had an article published, but there was no critiquing involved in either of those things. Writing a full-length story and then sending it off to have others read it and tell you whether you just wasted a year of your time scared the ever-lovin’ daylights out of me. But, as you know, I finally did it. I just had to convince myself that I’m not a pro at this (likely not even good at it!) and so there needed to be plenty of room for growth and learning.

   I’ve gotten my first review back from one beta reader and not only did what she said NOT hurt my feelings, I actually was able to look at the problem areas and think, yeah, that really IS a problem. I think I’m beginning to understand the difference framing this all in “learning” mode has made. It helped a lot.

   So just try to remember, you wouldn’t have gone to the class if you hadn’t wanted to learn. And as awful as that experience was, you got something out of it, just as you mentioned. Seems we learn a whole lot more from our dark experiences than from the ones bathed in light and victory. That’s one thing I’m learning in my spiritual life. God teaches me a whole lot more in my times of struggle and failure than he does in my celebratory moments. It just sucks that it has to hurt so flippin’ bad.

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4. Stéfanie October 8, 2014 at 6:36 pm

   What a beautiful gift that song was. Wow Suz. I’m impressed by the kindness of your gesture. It was fun to hear! And Cheryl, you write? Is it me or are a lot of us very creative people? Am I overthinking this, or is there a link between emotional eating and creativity? Hmmm. Is it that artists are very sensitive people? Don’t know.

   As for receiving critique… for me, it all sums up to people pleasing more than perfectionism. I guess the idea of ‘deceiving’ someone brings me down….

   Great show.

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 9, 2014 at 9:55 am

      Stêfanie, I totally agree, I was floored and amazed by the kindness of Suz to share her musical talent with me and with all of us. And I’ve also noticed that many of the brave companions sing, write, do art, or otherwise create in various avenues – some of them, in several avenues. I think you’re on to something that this creativity may spring from that well of feeling that also hurts us so easily. One of the best bonuses of learning to allow myself feeling my feelings is that I think I’m getting my lost arts back too. Interesting thought. Thanks for sharing it!

      And I think you are sweet on critique. 🙂 For me, it’s out and out perfectionist torture. The fear of not being good enough feels like I won’t survive. Probably based in childhood. If you don’t please your family group and remain there, who will care for your basic needs? (All subconscious I think) But my fear of non perfection really does feel life threatening and is not balanced to actual events. That’s why I’m trying to put myself in all situations to relearn this response and move through the experience from a learning perspective. Tough, but oh, so worth it.

      Hugs Hugs Hugs, xoxoxo

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   2. Cheryl October 9, 2014 at 11:37 am

      I agree, Stefanie. Not sure how that works, but I know that when people post on here they tend to be very eloquent. Maybe that’s because it’s really from their heart. And it’s truly a gift to let down your guard and share what you’re feeling. And I believe all creativity starts in the heart… Just my weird opinion.

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5. Lauren October 20, 2014 at 5:29 pm

   Hi Laurie,
   I’m here because “Amy from Australia” sent me! I’m a member of the group she told you about and she has mentioned your Podcast several times!

   I’ve also had a long struggle with my weight and with overeating and binging. In fact, I’ve just finished a 14 week group therapy program to help me overcome this. It’s been such a positive experience that I’ve started my own blog and facebook page to share my journey – http://www.justfullenough.blogspot.com and http://www.facebook.com/justfullenough.

   My own journey lately has very much been about learning self acceptance and intuitive eating so I was a bit put off by the calorie counting and weight loss talk in episode one – that’s why I decided to skip ahead a bit to see what else you were covering – imagine my surprise to hear my very own friend Amy being mentioned!!

   I’ve now listened to a few random episodes and really love all the “self-improvement” and self reflection that is going on, I also love that you seem to be building such a great little community here and the way you include everyone. I’m planning to go back to the start and listen in order.

   I think it’s great that there are more and more people getting out there and taking about this stuff – we all have different journeys but the more we talk and the more we learn about ourselves the more we encourage others to do the same – we can all learn something from each other and support each other along the way!

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   1. Cheryl October 20, 2014 at 9:40 pm

      Hey Lauren. Welcome. It’s great to meet you. You’ll have to share some of what you learned from your group therapy time. That’s one good thing about being here, we’re all learning from each other.

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   2. Cheryl October 20, 2014 at 9:45 pm

      Btw, my best friend in all the world lives in Perth. Long way from where you are, but same continent!

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      1. Lauren October 21, 2014 at 12:32 am

         Thanks for the welcome Cheryl! The big thing I learned from group was that dieting and food restriction are what lead to binges for me. I’ve really had to work on self acceptance and “relaxing” about food – it’s still a work in progress but worth it for how much saner I feel!

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   3. Suz (Suzanne) October 21, 2014 at 4:40 am

      Welcome Lauren!
      I’m glad you’re here, and I’m interested to learn more about your class and what you’ve learned, and how you’ve integrated it into your life. I agree that it’s great that there seems to be more awareness arising about this issue. I am so diet-fatigued, and so weary of trying to find a solution and experiencing daily failures around this. Just hearing from Laurie and others is helping to chip away at the old negativies that keep me stuck.
      It’s funny you mentioned being put off at first when hearing about calorie counting and weight loss. I was the opposite, I felt dubious when the talk started to diverge from that! Somehow I thought, wait, this is supposed to be about weight and eating behaviors, shouldn’t the focus be there? It felt unsafe to think about veering away from the dieting mentality we’re so familiar with. I felt like I wanted support that would encourage me to get on track, get with a program, somehow get in gear and drum up the fortitude to tackle another diet. But now I know the main work I have to do is elsewhere, and in a way it’s scarier, and harder to pin down, less clear-cut. But with support and courage, I think the long-term effects may be much more profound.

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      1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 21, 2014 at 8:53 am

         Hey Suz, just popping in to say HOW GLAD I AM that you decided to stick with me, even through the gradual scary change in show direction. (I totally get it and struggle still with 50 years of diet mentality and fear). I would have truly missed some wonderful moments in my life if you’d decided COD was not for you by not getting to read your heartfelt comments or having the privilege of actually hearing my music come to life. Hugs, Hugs, Hugs! I’m glad you’re here. 🙂

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         1. Lauren October 21, 2014 at 12:35 pm

            Hi Suz,
            I agree it IS scary to let go of dieting. I stopped weighing myself 3 months ago and I was terrified! I thought that if I wasn’t counting calories or following other food “rules” I’d just keep getting bigger and bigger. But actually the opposite is true – I’ve slowly, slowly, slowly been gettig more “normal” around food and my overeating has reduced dramatically.
            It’s scary but also liberating to think I never have to count a calorie again!

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   4. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 21, 2014 at 8:47 am

      Hi Lauren, Welcome! It’s wonderful to see you here and I look forward to hearing more about your own experiences. I’ll stop by your blog as well to check it out, as I agree the more voices tackling these issues the better chance we have of spreading the message of acceptance and moving forward from a positive, self-loving mindset. Please too, send my hugs to Amy when next you see her.
      It is interesting to hear your reactions to the early shows, as I was most fearful of the opposite, that listeners would not understand my transition to intuitive eating and to dealing more with my life issues, which for me, are the root causes of my diet/binge eating disordered food and relationship challenges. But there are as many journeys and paths as there are people, and mine is what is true for me, come what may. I’m so happy you’ve found support and success in your support group. I recently began one here, and I’m hopeful it will give me, and its participants a positive outcome of understanding as well.

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6. Lauren October 21, 2014 at 12:40 pm

   Hi Laurie,
   Believe me, when first started my journey towards overcome this I was in a similar space to you – still obsessed with weight loss as an outcome and trying to stick to a calorie limit etc. It was the therapy I did that really convinced me I had to let go of all of that to get better and I’ve noticed that when I start focusing on those things again my tendency to overeat increases!
   It is a hard transition to wrap your head around but I also believe it is very necessary! It’s wonderful what you are doing here 🙂

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