1. Dawny October 31, 2014 at 6:01 am

   super funnnn.. HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN.. LOL..

   tho, maybe, just maybe I should NOT have chosen to listen to this podcast amidst my o’dark thirty a.m. wog-a-bout.. lol.. I did wog a wee bit faster, theres that ha ha especially when the wind blew the tree.. and er uh.. yah.. ha ha… glad I utilized the ‘facilities’ before i left =-)

   In regards to your converstational topic Laurie, about weight, and feelings and
   What are the chances that I would go to get on the scale Wednesday and the batteries are dead? seriously?
   so
   I got on the scale at weight watchers for the employee weigh in and a regular weigh in. up 11# from the last time I weighed in on Sept 3 I think it was… BLIND, because my at home scale didn’t work..
   Very sad and disheartening, and im still not sure how/what to feel/think, or what the next step/plan of action is/will/should be right now. I have been processing it all day, there’s that.. right? I weighed in at 190#.. that’s flabbergasting to me.. *sigh* again, I don’t know what’s next, i was 155, I white knuckle unhealthily as it was stayed there for 2 years, then made a choice (with my physician guidance) to gain a little weight, and then I gained a little more.. and now… hmmmmmm

   there are a lot of components… I know one is lack of water the last couple of days could be a major part.. and/or pms, but none the less,it is what it is and at this point, I have to think this thru and make some ‘decidings’..
   Fighting off the diet mentality, and the food police, and and and
   onward soldiers… im not sure right now,
   I know that quite possibly I should stop eating out so much
   I know that I have not been drinking as much water as I normally do
   I know that ive started adding/enjoying drinking some of my calories, and I used to not do that
   I know that I have been indulging quite possibly a weeee bit toooo much in the dessert category
   I know that after thinking it thru Im really not doing any exercise (well I have been this week LOL) other than my wog-a-bout, which I think has become more of a life-sustaining-daily-activity then exercise
   I do not feel as tho I have been eating too much food as in volume for the most part, I really feel like Ive gotten a REAL good handle on this
   I do not feel as tho I have been having a LOT of binge like behavior,
   I do know that i have still been struggling at night on the way to bed, with eating a snack not hungry, and almost in a ‘dazed’ state, like just doing it, if that makes sense?
   I do know I have NOT been getting up in the night and eating
   I do know that my sleep has been a LOT LOT better, more regular, and sleeping more hours, and thru the night
   I do know for the most part Ive become less obsessed with food, and thinking of food all the time, and food thoughts,
   I do know that I have not been letting food, or what might be involved with food or not determine what i might do or not do as in activities functions etc.
   I do know that I don’t feel as ‘afraid’ of things as I used to, foods with fat, or sweet treats etc.
   I do know that I have a lot higher, or maybe it’s ‘lower’ tolerance for sweetness.. as in it doesn’t take a lot to make me say WHOA lol
   I do know that I have learned some things about myself, and my body, and my reactions to food, and that sweet treats tend to make me want more, like in a crack addicted type behavior
   I do know I have a desire to get stronger
   I know that i have a desire to get re-involved in exercises beyond just wog-a-bout, like I WANT to do it and have been craving it
   I do know that I have become far less rigid, Ive stopped stressing everything, especially things that don’t matter to me
   I know that I am NOT in a constant state of panic about life, and/or food etc.
   im more ‘easy going’ or ‘flow with the go’ (ha ha) go with the flow, take it one day at a time, more willing, flexible, enjoying getting out and doing things with people
   I don’t miss ‘tracking’ and/or counting and rigid diet rules, and regulations, but I wonder If maybe I need to be doing that, or maybe I need to start off just by tracking WHAT I eat, not how much, not assigning points values, but just the act of writing down EVERYTHING I eat AND drink?
   I wonder if now that ive in a sense repaired my relation-ship to food, life, living if it’d be better now, not the freak-show diet hell prison kind of way>?
   I wonder if it’s too soon?
   I do know I didn’t like that number I saw on the scale today,
   I aspire to see 180, and really 170, however, at what cost? I don’t know that answer yet, and I don’t know why that’s so hard for me to know either??? Why am I so indecisive about that? im not sure..
   I feel a little ‘too’ fluffy now, and I have for about 2 weeks..
   Do you think it’s time? maybe with my re-knowned relationships, time to??? I don’t know..
   I love that I have become far more active in life and living and doing things again, not just working out thing, but fun things too, and being active with Laney and taking her places, and doing things with my friends and NOT fearing food, or food events, making choices in situations etc. Not basing the situations on the choices, if that makes sense LOL

   oh, and i love pancakes.!

   Reply ↓
   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 31, 2014 at 6:40 am

      Happy Haaalllllloooooowwwwwwwweeeeeen! Dear Dawny, thanks so much for adding that fun greeting. It tickled me so much, I played it and played it just to make myself smile. Your thoughtful comments could have flowed out of my head today (even though I haven’t gotten weighed). I know I’m up somewhere between 8-10 pounds from how I feel, and I see-saw dreadfully with the desire to get the scale out and “take my medicine” and get right “back on track” and the benefits of soldiering on with Intuitive eating. I too love not being obsessed with food and the ability to go out socially. And I love your point about being social in life too, not just focusing on working out and tracking food. I sure wish I had the answer, but all I know is that it is usual to put on weight when starting out on this path and it aint fun. However, like you, I am noticing more about how food makes me feel and I’m getting good at knowing when I’m eating “subconsciously” or mindfully. A few of those drunken calories have been hitting more often too as we have been going out more. I think I need to consider the moment when out. Not every restaurant meal is a huge treat. And I wonder if it is time to return to thinking about what I’m hungry for every time I select a meal. I believe I’ve been busy and on eating autopilot. No bingeing. No huge episodes of compulsive eating, but nibbling and mindlessness have been creeping in. Your list is SO powerful, I printed it out to read when I am waffling about myself. All of the benefits of keeping on are true for me. Hugs Hugs Hugs. Sorry for your scale shock and, even though I said, NOT to say so, your fun photos on FB have been looking so happy, full of life, and marvelous. So however you are feeling about your current size, your amazing spirit is shining out in every one.

      Reply ↓
      1. Dawny October 31, 2014 at 6:58 am

         thank you Laurie, I knew you’d get it and understand me…
         I think i have stumbled upon the ‘WHY’ of one of the problems that ive been experiencing in trying to pursue my adventures in IE

         I HAVE been allowing myself to eat ANY/ALL ‘forbidden/kryptonite’ foods… HOWEVER, I am eating these foods IN addition to the ‘SHOULD’ foods. as opposed to eating what it is I REALLY want to eat.. Im finding a way to ‘couple’ it with the shoulds, therefor NOT really satisfying my “what I really want” to eat, AND ontop of that I am probably eating MORE than I need to be eating, because im still chasing that ‘satisfaction’
         I hope this makes sense..
         an example, I want pancakes, with peanut butter, and sliced banana.. That’s what i REALLY want, so, I have that AND the veggie/egg/protein scramble because I ‘should’ have that, and (the fear of) if I don’t I may not get/feel/stay full/satiated long enough and it’s healthy and I NEED the veggies, and the protein and and..
         Okay, well the pancakes I make are home-made, with whole grain REAL all natural ingredients for one thing, plus it contains egg, AND adding the pb2 & chopped brazil nuts (i like chunky peanut butter) all the ‘shoulds’ are really covered, especially adding a banana….
         Besides that……. it’s what i REALLY want, AND it’s satisfying, and… as for the ‘long enough’ part, uh.. Dawny, when/if you get hungry, you can/should/will eat AGAIN!?!?!?

         I think this is a KEY component for me!!!! Im really feeling like when this appeared in my head, in a random moment, it was a sincere aha, and realizing, focusing and accepting this.. is surely to help me along I think

         Today is a prime example (of the habit) I again experienced this, I woke up thinking about pancakes, and oatmeal, I want both, and then of course have to have the ‘should’ food in there too, I rationalized having both is not realistic, and accepted I had pancakes yesterday, so lets roll with some oats (ha ha rolled oats.. hee hee).. when I got up, I decided on a pre-work-out snack, peanut butter on toast (close to pancakes right).. as I got the bread out I realized you are NOT hungry.. at ALL for a pre-work-out snack today..
         yes, I put the bread back, tho my mouth was hungry for peanut butter, I took a small spoon and got a ‘taste’ of peanut butter, it was PERFECT, it satiated that ‘taste hunger’ and on my way I went,
         after my work-out I wanted breakfast, I was hungry, I started the oats, and got ready for the veggie/egg/protein scramble, and it at that point occured to me I don’t want that, I don’t feel like that, I want oats, and fruit, and yogurt.. so I had oats, fruit and yogurt.. Im full,
         and when im hungry again, be it in 1 hour, or 3 or 4 hours I can and will eat again..
         It’s JUST food.

         aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank you for sharing in this moment.. =-)

         Reply ↓
   2. Stéfanie November 1, 2014 at 3:35 am

      Hi Dawny!
      I’m really sorry you are going through this rough spot. As I read you, it is obvious you’ve been doing some quite good non-judgemental thinking and I like the way you chose to walk us through you thought process. I am sure you will get some answers soon…. until then, lots of love and support is coming from Quebec 😉

      Reply ↓
2. Dawny October 31, 2014 at 7:05 am

   This is AWESOME, I LOVE your reply, and it’s got me thinking for sure

   I have been eating out a bit more, that is slowing way down again due to financial situations, at home, but a lot of the dining out I was doing over the last 2 weeks have been by/with/from other people, mostly all stemming around my birthday.. and just kept giving LOL, so with that being said, dining out so much should be coming to a slow, but I seriously ate out Monday thru Wed night and Thursday breakfast all in just one last week LOL, that’s too much, and when I say dining out I mean like ‘fine dining’ not like costa vida or subway, lol

   with Dessert, yes, I think I need to make this more of a treat, as for the last I’ll say 2 weeks, it’s basically been EVERY night, dining out or not, and it’s full fat ice-cream etc. (portions for sure, but still) ALSO, when dining out at some of these places, these desserts are HUGE, and im eating quite a bit of my share of them LOL so that is an area to be surely more mindful of too

   The binge like ravenous behavior has stopped, however, in the evening, as im getting ready for bed, i get this intense feeling I need to eat something, now in the past this turned into a snackity attackity binge like grazing event, now ive retorted to taking a ‘measured portion’ of something and sitting down at the table in my eating spot and eating it. the last week or so it’s been ice-cream, other times it’s a small 1c. size bowl filled with plain cheerios and unsweetened vanilla almond milk. Sometimes it’s a .5oz square of 86% cocoa chocolate and a few nuts, or just different stuff. now it was getting less and less, but the last week it’s picked up quite a bit. Im pleased that at least it’s more ‘concious’ in the sense of the actual eating, selecting the ‘what’ measuring it etc.. BUT it’s still the act of doing it, when I really am NOT hungry.. not every time, some-times I am hungry or snacky, but in all honestly more often than not it’s MOUTH or HEAD hunger, and this craptacular habit I think i’ve created… it’s like almost robotic, I just do it, some-how I have associated with going to bed and ‘needing’ that last bite snack. I don’t fear making it thru the night?… I don’t know if this snack is any coralation to my sleeping or not, I guess if I could stop doing it and my sleep sufferes I’ll know the snack is helping? lol lol.. the snacks are not putting (most of the time, on occasion they do) me into that ‘too full’ state where I feel I took a few bites too many, but I can say im not typically genuinely hungry for the snack either. and as for not waking up to eat, I still wake up to pee, Ive just not been eating, some-times i have thoughts of it, and just think thru and NOT doing it, other times I don’t think about it

   I feel so much calmer about my relationship to/with food, it’s not consuming too many of all my waking thoughts etc. LOL and like I said, I have some triggers (that partly why I NEED a new job) that cause me to think of food/eating when I am not hungry, but a lot, my food thoughts come when I feel hunger LOL YAY.. this is soooo huge for me.. Granted, doing all the food shopping and meal prepping etc I do makes this some-what challenging at work, again, one of the few reasons Im seeking other employment.. typically im able to bypass, or side-step the trigger, but again not always..

   when I say less rigid, I mean in the respect of not being afraid to eat ‘real’ foods, or afraid to not eat what’s the ‘PLAN’ and rolling with life etc.. I don’t mean in the sense of a restricted diet regime, however, I do see how yes, less rigidity effects the scale in that sense too.. I try to practice mindfulness, utilize common sense, make deposits/withdrawls equally into the daily check-book (food) like okay, im indulging in the pre-meal breadbasket, so I skip the potato with dinner and have 2 veggies instead, if I eat say froyo in the middle of the day I try (really hard) to remind myself of this at night when it comes to dessert LOL

   when I am at home I weigh/measure most foods, I don’t the cereal for say, but im telling im using this little tiny old fashioned ice-cream dish, it’s probably a cup capacity (and now I’ll surely check just out of curiosity, but is a really little bowl, my son uses it for like soy sauce dipping).. I measure meats, and things like liquid eggs, coffee creamer, oil, cheese, my pb2…
   I did have the thoughts of just writing down WHAT I am eating to get a ‘picture’ since it’s easy to forget that.. half a cheese stick, or that crackers with laughing cow.. or that mini brownie bite, or mini snack blah blah.. tho I truly don’t do a LOT of that, but more so with ‘free’ *sigh NOTHING is FREE Dawny* like fruits/veg etc.

   Thank you for all your input and feed-back, it helps a lot =-) and makes me think

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3. Cheryl October 31, 2014 at 10:02 am

   OMG! Suz! That piece was TOTALLY awesome. Was that actually a pipe organ??? I think you’re MORE than ready for Night On Bald Mountain! * Mark! Shed some “fright” on the subject. LOL That was a great one! You are a natural when it comes to this podcast stuff. * Laurie, my little memoir sounded so dramatic when you read it. Your reading really did it justice! Those voice acting lessons are sure paying off. * And what a treat to have Max do a reading. The special effects were great. Now THAT was all foolish fun!

   Just as an aside, we recently went to an art exhibit of a young friend of ours. One of her pictures really made an impression on me. Full color, it was a beautiful woman’s eye and just part of her nose. If you looked closely at the pupil, you could see a scary critter peeking out from behind. The title of the painting was, “Not All Monsters Live In The Closet.” It was awesome. Certainly a Halloweeny-type picture.

   As to your topic, I sure think you’re right. There’s no black or white answer to whether to say something to someone about their weight. Some people are really motivated by it, others’ minds immediately go to the “I-must-have-looked-like-crap-before” place and THAT screws with their head. For me, I truly believe I have a phobia or fear of losing weight or something. I’m one of those people who you are best off to say nothing to. I did, however, like your idea of saying something like, “You look really great in that color.” That’s something that would apply with or without the 30 lb. weight loss. I’m going to file that idea in the back of my head.

   And there’s one other thing I think we can’t overlook when we’re talking about weight loss. Spouses, for better or worse. Sometimes spouses can be a real deterrent to weight loss. His lordship and I had a long talk about that once. He point blank said he’s afraid of my losing a lot of weight because he fears he won’t look so good to me then (yes, he could stand to loose a few, too). It’s an irrational fear, to be sure. I love the old curmudgeon. But I’ve always wondered if that conversation so sensitized me to losing that when people start mentioning it, I freak and think, “Nope! Can’t go there.” Has anyone else ever dealt with that?

   This was a GREAT episode!

   Reply ↓
   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorOctober 31, 2014 at 10:39 am

      I’m so glad you enjoyed this episode Cheryl, and thanks for being such a key contributor to it. I loved Suz’s song also and got a big kick out of everything. I told Mark your compliment, but like many of us BCs, he poo poos it all and is upset his performance wasn’t better. I was also thrilled that Max had time to record the legend, because I just didn’t want my voice to be the only one in this show – AND he is very talented and it was fun to hear it.

      The painting sounds awesome and something to remember. I think I have been getting in my own head lately and giving myself some negative talk. Partly, because I have been so scheduled and so tired. So I basically cancelled everything this week and got some chores done and rest in and now I’m feeling much less frazzled. And since I am less frazzled, I experience my hunger a bit better than I have. So I’m doubling down on my Intuitive Eating, NOT weighing myself as I already know I’m a bit heavier and it won’t change anything. I’m not going back to calories or counting. I still have faith in my process, though I understand why for other people this is not the right path.

      I also think your point about spouses or other significant folk in our lives is really important. Even friends can pull away when you change your appearance or eating behavior. It is tricky to accept your own new identity when losing weight (or gaining for that matter) and even trickier when dealing with other people’s expectations. It’s cool that you and his Lordship can actually have that conversation in words and not just get the message by his “acting out”. I’ve had the later in various relationships and it is exhausting.

      Reply ↓
      1. Cheryl November 1, 2014 at 7:57 am

         “It is tricky to accept your own new identity when losing weight (or gaining for that matter)…”

         That’s so true. It makes me wonder if it isn’t part of the key to the whole thing. I can see how that could really cause yo-yo dieting if you’re not comfortable with who you are.

         Reply ↓
   2. Suz (Suzanne) January 19, 2015 at 8:22 am

      Cheryl, that was a digital piano with an organ setting. I had great fun playing that song. So glad you enjoyed it. I’ve never played a “real” organ, but they sound so cool. 🙂

      Reply ↓
      1. Cheryl January 19, 2015 at 10:29 am

         Really does sound like it, doesn’t it. Impressive.

         Reply ↓
4. Stéfanie November 1, 2014 at 3:58 am

   Han!? I just had an ah ha moment. I never though that some people could prefer not getting ANY kind of feedback about their weightloss. I never thought that because I am the complete opposite. I litteraly CRAVE the comments. To me, they are the best of rewards. So, thanks for making me aware and sensitive to this.
   It made me realize once again that I need to shed this obsessive need for other people’s approval. Why do I crave this feedback so much? It’s not just with weightloss, it’s all over my life. My older lady friends and family say I will grow out of it as I get older. That what other people think of you gets less and less important. If it’s so, then, I’m eager to age 🙂

   Xx

   Reply ↓
   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorNovember 1, 2014 at 7:33 am

      Hi there dear, Stéfanie! Rachel posted to me on Day 58 just the other day that I shouldn’t apologize for asking for feedback as

      According to Transactional Analysis we need positive strokes to help us ‘open the heart’. Stroke starvation can lead to physical, emotional and physical illness according to Claude Steiner.

      And I think there is a lot of truth to that. I know myself, I grew up pretty much believing I was not good enough in any way, or if I WAS good, I ought not mention it, or make any fuss about it. This led to an emotional starvation that was partially at the root of my stuffing myself with food to soothe these needs. It’s not the only reason, for sure, but a big part. So for example, if Diane the Champion was doing another Body for Life course and I KNEW she was working hard to shed fat and build muscle and I saw her progressing, FOR SURE I would mention it. It is very hard work. And I think when I was in Weight Watchers I LOVED when my WW friends mentioned my progress too. But lately, I’ve been thinking about “Why is it ALWAYS a good thing to have lost weight?” Since my body type is not slender, and I come from endomorph stock on both sides of my family, we were taller, stockier and fatter. I don’t mean in the sit around eating all day fatter, I mean our bodies, from every photo I’ve ever seen, had more fat over the muscle than in other families. AND both sides of my family were physically hard workers. Farmers, laborers etc. This is a legitimate body to have. Just one of the rainbow of possible body types. So why am I so happy when I lose weight, or when people notice? Because for ME (and I’m talking only me here) it means I’m FINALLY one of the rest. I FINALLY fit in (chairs and emotionally).

      Trouble is, that’s not who I am. It’s like dying my grey hair. I do it, but I really have greying hair. So when people compliment my hair, I also get a little cringe as I know this is my stylist they are complimenting and I feel a bit of deceit. But is it? Almost nobody my age has hair free from grey. Almost everybody in my area dyes their hair as in LA, youth is valued. It makes you listened to at work more. It’s just like when I lost all the weight and people started to respect me more. Really? My brains were non-active under fat? Really? My ideas and heart didn’t function? That was my anger about weight loss. That people only accepted the thinner package and it hurt to know that. Then I regained some, and noticed the opposite. Most didn’t say, “Wow, you’ve gained some weight!” but as they sure had mentioned it on the way down, I know they noticed on the way up. And as I said before, the more I weighed, the less I fit in.

      Until now. Now some chairs are still a struggle, but *I* feel I fit in and my size isn’t as relevant. I still hope my body stabilizes at a lesser weight, because functionally, I don’t feel optimum yet. And I have flashes of familiar shame, as I told on Day 85 about my well-intentioned friend.

      So Dear Stéfanie, when you are working hard at your fitness goals, don’t feel badly about loving the comments. Of course you want praise and attention, that is HARD WORK! And don’t feel badly if you say something to someone else with good intention. My friend intended to celebrate with what she thought was progress on my goal. Why wouldn’t she? Weight loss has ALWAYS been my goal, for as long as she’s known me. When I started this show and I tried to explain what I was doing, she literally could not understand any of it other than I wanted to lose weight. Then she said,”Oh you want to eat HEALTHIER”, I said, “Not really”. THAT one floored her. It makes no sense to state your goal is not to eat healthier. Well, I do, but not in the way she meant. I want to emotionally eat healthier. I do value my health, but without my emotional strength and health first, the rest is like frosting on a cardboard cake. My friend is not an emotional eater, so she cannot process my weird statements. So when she saw my photo, she said what she did to connect with me and celebrate me. My reaction is on me. Long story here, friend, Stéfanie, No? Short story. Celebrate yourself and others, and let the intention be your guide xoxoxoxoxoxox

      Reply ↓
      1. Cheryl November 1, 2014 at 8:02 am

         Fitting in AND anger issues. Those are two really important parts of the puzzle, too, I think. I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever really felt angry about my weight — toward myself or anyone else. Gonna have to think about that. Truthfully, I’ve never thought much about the fitting in part, except perhaps, when it comes to being able to do physical things with others that I can’t. So many interesting tops floating around over this program.

         Reply ↓
   2. Cheryl November 1, 2014 at 7:53 am

      I think that’s sort of true for me. I’m 63, and the older I’ve gotten the less I’ve cared what strangers and acquaintances think about me. It does feel different with good friends and family, though. Maybe there’s always that need for their approval. The weight loss issue is really one of those “hot button” issues for me. My mind doesn’t grasp the positive in a compliment, it goes right to the reverse — so did I look that bad before?

      Actually I have a real problem receiving compliments, period. I either make a joke about it, dismiss it entirely, ignore it, or have the aforementioned reaction. Maybe some of us just get so trained to hone in on the slights and media perception of being overweight that we can’t receive the positive comments about our weight for what they are? And maybe that bleeds into other areas of our lives. But I think it’s probably more “family of origin” stuff.

      Or maybe, for me, I’m a) just so aware of how hard it was to get to that lower weight and I KNOW I won’t be able to maintain so I’d rather NOT call attention to it (I hadn’t actually thought about that till I read your comment), or b) I’m afraid I will change in some significant way that I won’t like if I continue to lose. As crazy as this sounds, the truth is, I LIKE who I am better when I’m on the chunky side. Does that sound crazy? Is that a safety net for me because it keeps me out of social situations I’m not equipped to handle because I’ve never had any experience with them? Hm… Another interesting question.

      After my trips to the “fat doc” for the pills, my weight ballooned from 122 when I was dating his lordship to 200 after we married. In about nine months! And I’ve pretty much stayed there most of my life.

      Thanks for your comment, Stefanie. It’s dredged some things up in me. It’s sure a tangled web, isn’t it?

      Reply ↓
5. Stéfanie November 2, 2014 at 3:52 am

   Wow! A lot of great thinking going on here! That’s wonderful! Good sunday to all of you ladies 🙂

   Reply ↓

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