1. Dawny November 26, 2014 at 8:21 am

   Thank you for yet another ASTOUNDING episode laurie. Sometimes I wonder if your in my head. It always seems the timing to be sooooo perfect for me and my life. I read the comments on the last episode but hearing you read it in this episode made it better and sink in. Diane & Amy both enrich my SHE-ro list =~}
   I too waver with the IE thoughts/feelings/emotions. The weight re-gain, the compulsions etc. And the being at peace with my current weight etc.

   Laurie I’ll b honest in that I was fearful to talk much about where I’m at in my journey as I don’t want you to second guess yourself or I don’t want to cause you any feelings of self doubt etc. But…. After this episode, I don’t think I will be fearful of that, we all have our own journeys. We are all in our own stage/phase/place and that’s what makes compulsive overeating diaries so amazing & special because it’s a ‘safe place & zone’ that’s non-judge mental or demeaning.
   I really really really LOVED Marks take on your adventures in IE and life! You have an amazing husband. I just really think his analogy is fantabulous.
   Today, even tho the DUMB MENTAL BOX (aka scale) shows I’ve gained a bit this week despite feeling I’ve done well it’s part of my journey. I feel good, empowered & motivated…. I’ve got this
   I’m using all the tools in my tool-belt to keep me away from diet hell prison while still having ‘some’ limiting control. Giving away all control was too much for me (& my pants) just because of who I am.
   It’s taken me great attention to realize, accept, acknowledge, the things I NEED to do for me. It’s sure not easy and some days I doubt myself and/or second guess myself. But in the end im still me, and every minute of every day makes up MY journey.
   Thank you laurie & all BC’s

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorNovember 26, 2014 at 8:32 am

      Screw the scale, trust your heart! Thanks GF. Never be scared of sharing your own truth. I truly only want every BC to discover and pursue the path that resonates for them. I only want to comment directly on food or eating questions when asked and have the same done for me. I think then we are free to say what’s on our own hearts without fear or pressure. I believe as a group of companions we have really been shining at this. I also believe that those who fell away did so for their own reasons. I think, Dawny, thanks to BCs like you reminding me that I am my own person and cannot be responsible for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, I’m finally beginning to chill a bit and just enjoy the ride. xoxoxoxo
      PS, Mark will be THRILLED, he so does NOT think he does well on the podcast. So I’m trying to let him know how valuable his side of the story is. And I think he is funny 😉

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      1. Dawny November 27, 2014 at 10:46 am

         I am in a place where I HAVE to learn to listen to them feelings and feel them, I know they are uncomfortable for me, and I don’t want to FEEL them I think so I just eat? or something.. I have pretty much ‘legalized’ all foods now, and know that food is not good or bad, or eating foods doesn’t make me good or bad, and that eating a food that may not be a particularly GREAT choice will not make or break me on any given day…

         I am working into practicing distraction.. I know for me a LOT is HABIT. Ive created a habit that I always need to have something to drink, and unfortunately am turning more and more to coffee than water, since I don’t drink diet pop much anymore, only once in awhile, and try not to consume much ‘artificial’ sweetener, I find myself turning more to coffee, I have been conciously reminding myself that’s not water, and hydrating me LOL.. i even drink decaf if it’s too late in the day. LOL..
         Ive created a habit that I want something in my mouth, my gum chewing has increased two fold..
         Ive created a habit of the foraging on my way to bed, so im conciously asking myself are you hungry, and even tho some-times I still proceed thru foraging im at least aware and acknowleding that im doing it, and that im NOT hungry and that it’s NOT going to help me get closer to my goals I have for myself

         I know over time I have created a few really BAD habits, and i know that over-time I am un-creating them, but it’s a slow process.. Ive got to be patient with myself..

         . i have obsessed about food for so much so long that it’s practically all i know.. and at times, when it’s quiet, or there’s ‘nothing’ to do I get uncomfortable. I get those past feelings of ‘needing to exercise’ or needing to indulge into some ‘self help’ type of listening or reading. Im not used to surfing the web for fun, or coloring, or engaging friends, or making phone calls, or participating in activities I truly enjoy, Im just used to being trapped in diet hell prison so im re-creating new habits, but again, that’s a slow process and it takes time.
         I have to remind myself working out more is going to do NOTHING for me, I HAVE to feel my feelings, and sit with them. Ive broken out my journal again, Ive been journaling all along, mostly in my ww tracker, but im embracing these feelings, situations and learnings… it’s tough and messy in my head sometimes but i know this is what i have to do to get where Im going..

         Before weight watchers, I was really fat and unhealthy, and I would get up in the morning and plan the food/eating for that day or whatever, like lunch, and dinner, where/when etc.. but that was the last thought of it, and then I lived life and ate if I wanted or didn’t if I didn’t wanted.. and any/everything in between, I was very sedentry, and made REALLY poor choices, and the choices themselves were bad enough, but a candy bar was a KING size, some chips and cream cheese was a BIG bag, a fountain pop (non diet) was a 64oz bladder buster.. I would eat out every chance I got too, if I had a few $ in my pocket, or was going down-town for something I’d surely be hitting up the burger king for a whopper (okay, to be honest, maybe 2 whoppers) and mcd’s for fries, now thinking about that food repulses me, I want REAL food but I still think of it often, want to go out to eat, and I like to eat.. just now my choices are different.

         I spent so much of the last 5 years focusing on food, and planning and and and,

         I think the reason this is so forefront in my mind right now (this week) is because today is thanksgiving, and we are going to my in-laws. I have no idea what’s being served, I can guess its turkey and the typical thanksgiving food, I know im bringing a veggie tray, as every time we did go, that’s what i brought, so now it’s what they ask me to bring, and we are bringing fruit.. well because DUH, we always take fruit everywhere since we have the abundance LMAO…

         back to why I think this is on my mind today, and the last couple of days so much is because this is the FIRST time in I don’t know HOW many years we are going some-where to be with people. Ive pretty much NOT allowed that to happen, (and if I did I made sure I knew every little detail of the menu and partook greatly in planning it etc) because i had to stay on track, I had to stay on plan, I had to avoid the temptation, the the the the..

         It’s elating.. I am really not even ‘caring’ really about what will be there, im not ‘stressing’ about it, really? I know I’ll make due out of what is there, I will track as honestly as possible, it’s about the people etc.. and I will eat what I will eat, it’s not my last meal, or my last thanksgiving, and I can and will eat these same foods whenever I want them, I make stuffing, and turkey, and sweet potatoes all the time LOL..

         it’s almost weird, usually when I did/do go to anything like this it’s a big ‘stress ball raquet’ of the what/how much/ etc.. it’s weird.. im excited, but at the same time I have this weird feeling like ‘something is off’ does that make sense? because I usually am wound up so tight, either having the meal myself, or going some-where worrying ALL about the food, that since that’s not even a ‘situation’ I feel like Im ‘missing’ something.. like I left home and forgot my purse.. does that make sense? lol…

         I am thankful this Thanksgiving because I feel like there is hope for me, there is repair, and Im moving forward

         The last couple days ive been VERY weird feeling, off emotionally, I can’t explain it, just ‘frumpy’ like, it seems over the last couple months, the last week of the month has been that way, ive been making a few ‘entries’ so Im chalking it up maybe to PMS, I miss my actual physical period for this reason (ONLY this reason too, except I KNOW it’s healthy to have it), I never know, and just have to guess. LOL,

         HOWEVER< thru this, the last couple days Ive also noticed/recognized some other things about myself too, I really LOVE being able to tune in and pay attention to myself and my feelings now, it's crazy, and it's also something I struggle with, im not there with everything, but Im getting more in tune with stuff, but.. ive found.. that Im waiting too long to eat, im not honoring my hunger, partly because I think 'you can't be hungry yet' or 'you just ate' so I try to put it off, and then I end up WAY too hungry etc. this has been REALLY effecting me emotionally, and my energy and emotions etc. The other day I truly felt like crap, crying, and just like I HAVE to go home NOW and sit on my couch, I realized it had been 5.5 hours since breakfast, and because my coffee was craptacular I didn't have it either (the milk in it is typically a hold over between breakfast and lunch also).. as soon as I ate, I totally felt renewed, and like a new person.. wow, I suddenly didn't want to go home.. wow right? crazy, I have to pay attention to what my body is telling me, and if ive made sure im not just thirsty, and it's really hungry I need to eat, maybe im hungrier today (things I learned from intuitive eating that I keep close in my tool belt) or maybe what I ate didn't quite do it, or wasn't enough, or not balanced etc… which.. leads to another 'thing' ive found/learned about myself too, twice in the last couple days I didn't eat enough of balanced between protein fat carbs I think?!
         When I wasn't tracking/counting ppv, I started eating a bit more nutrient dense foods, and making sure I had balance, of protein/fat/carb in my meals etc.. and now, im kind of relying a little TOO much on veggies again, not crazy like, not subbing rice for cauliflower kind of thing, lol, but, like yesterday I had pizza, it wasn't very good, so I didn't want to 'waste' my ppv on it, so I had way a lot of salad bar to compensate, well that didn't quite satisfy all my needs (or what my body's become used to) nor did it stay with me very long, so of course when I was hungry, and started having cravings, I was like NO WAY, you just plowed thru 2 plates of salad 2 hours ago blah blah.. uh…. helloo… yep, 2 hours ago, and a lot of veggies LOL so that led to wild cravings, and yah, we need not finish that story ha ha..

         SO im paying attention to me, making sure im balancing, and eating and being mindful in that respect, avoiding the 'diet hell prison' trap that's so easy to rear it's ugly head in my brain..

         Doesn't that bitch know there's not enough room in there for ME and all my thinking and her too?? LMAO LMAo

         Thanks friend, sorry this was a super mouthful, and honestly I didn't know I needed to spew this out, but I guess i did, and i feel a SHIT ton better now.. phew..

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         1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorNovember 27, 2014 at 3:46 pm

            Hey Dawny Gal, spew away! It sounds like you are doing some great work figuring out the balance you need to work out this food. It’s awesome that you are going to Thanksgiving and focusing on the people this year, that is HUGE! Be sure and let us know how it went. So far, on my holiday, food hasn’t been a feature except for my being hungry at different times than Mark. That is a challenge when you aren’t in your own home. But we’re working it out. Hugs and hope your holiday was great! xoxoxoxox

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            1. Dawny November 28, 2014 at 8:09 am

               I enjoyed the food folks and fun,

               I did not stuff myself to soo uncomfy full, granted I was plenty done enough on the satiety spectrum when I had some pumpkin pie.. er.. uh.. filling LOL LOL.. but it was delish, and I had some ice-cream, not much but a couple spoons,
               It’s so hard for me to always account for my pie because I really don’t care for the crust, even not counting/tracking etc. Im not a pie crust person, only on like a pot-pie LOL, but anyway,
               I looked up pumpkin pie filling in e-tools, like the canned pre-made kind and came up with 6ppv for 1c, and i figure even a home-made pie, or store made pie would be pretty equivalent to the pre-made pumpkin pie stuff LOL (full of sugar and spice and everything surely not so nice) so I took that and ran with it, of course guesstimating that there was 1c. worth of filling.. im sure pretty close..

               I tracked all my food, and guesstimated ppv the best I can/could. Fortunately I stuffed myself silly on veggies and (probably too much) fruit before the meal came on, I had some of everything that mattered to me, and skipped things that I was like ‘meh’ or really didn’t know if i liked or not, or didn’t look to be appealing.. I had a couple tablespoons of mashed potatoes w/ gravy, I NEVER have that, but it looked/sounded so good to me today, and i was glad I did.. the stuffing was good too, I used more ppv than I’d of liked, DOH, big surprise, not.. LOL.. i started in with only 7ppv left for the day, and the pie/ice-cream ate up 8, I ended up using 16wppa I do believe, but that’s guestimating, and being pretty honest with my tracker, I guess it could’ve been worse.. and that’s what they are there for right?

               I still have 25wppa to get thru the week, it’s only day 2 lol.. I’ll make it, aside from our ‘un-planned’ eating out ventures that always seem to happen (with my husband) I dont know of any anticipated adventures that could ‘de-rail’ me for say, I can stick to some ‘lighter’ stuff if I need, and I SHOULD eat at home more, to both save money, and ppv, plus not have to ‘guesstimate’ so much, and also them ‘restaurant’ sneaks of ppv that we don’t know about LOL.. but yah, you know how all that goes. LOL..

               It wasn’t about the food.. I mean it kind of was, as I got stuck in the back of this table with the ‘crudites’ in my face. thank god for pico right ha ha.. and the tub of raw veggies my ‘friend’ from work and i brought LOL.. but I visited, and enjoyed, and ‘cared for’ my ‘person’ so it wasn’t just a huge focus on the food.. it’s all kind of new and different.. I will say, once I’d started eating, and got done eating, It was really hard to ‘stop’ I ended up sending my son out to the car for gum, just to stop eating.. LOL.. I applied a new strategy, I kept my portions very small, I made nothing touching on my plate, and i did this so that when I made my 2nd trip, I wasn’t over-doing it.. it seemed to work.
               I was not too full, but I was full enough, and it’s near bed-time, im not full, and i feel that ‘wanting’ something lurking, BUT I know im tired, and i know im NOT hungry, so I need to KNOW that and sit with that feeling.. and acknowledge it’s just a habitual ‘wanting’ something

               I want to save some indulgence ppv for another time this week. I have a 3-day weekend, I may want to have some sort of a dining experience or something LOL LOL

               I feel grateful for my knowledge, and I also have to thank you for being there with/for me..
               I know that
               putting that little ‘twisted spin’ into my thinking, it’s made a LOT of difference, the not ‘want/need/should/will/try/ought’ but that I AM,

               It felt really good to be with my people again, doing the things that i used to do, having fun, laughing, and caring, and catching up, and being the smart ass that I am and am loved to be.. LOL.. everyone was all about how many years it’s been since I was there, and it really smacked me.. it made me realize I NEVER am going to go back to that place, I live my life, it does NOT live me,
               that ‘recluse, diet hell prison Dawny’

               I feel giddy and excited, just about life, and the things, strides, and steps im making..

               I too can’t help but still realize how thankful I am that I ONLY weigh 190#-ish, with how fast the ppv add up and stuff, im thinking I should consider it a blessing that I didn’t gain more weight and that I caught things as/when I did.. because a meal like tonight, with the family WOW it could’ve gone bad in a hurry, and I didn’t ‘restrict’ or ‘deprive’ beyond what’s normal for a person watching their weight, it’s not like I said, Oh, those tatoes look soo yummy, i’d love to have some, but I don’t want/cant spend the ppv.. I had some.. sure, I’d of loved to have had more, but they wouldn’t have been any ‘tastier’ AND they would have eliminated some ‘room’ for something else that was tasty too. LOL. that’s the OLD Dawny weight watcher’er that I was.. using common sense, without deprivation and/or restriction..
2. Fionna November 26, 2014 at 9:06 am

   Oh Laurie, I really felt for you when you talked about being disappointed that no one commented on episode 89. Truthfully, I listened to that episode right away, and I thought it was wonderful. I think every episode you do is wonderful though, because you are always so open and genuine. I connect with SO much of what you discuss on every single episode! Now, if I connect so much, why don’t I tell you every time? Why don’t I comment on every episode and say “Yay Laurie! You’re awesome!!!”? Because I have issues with codependency, and I’m AFRAID of opening up too much, becoming dependent on you for your support of me just to feel good about myself. So, I’ve held back. But the truth is, I have been thinking, “Wow, Laurie and I are like kindred spirits.” I LOVED your windy day blog post. That kind of day is just like days off alone at home I have had recently – judgemental brain pecking away at me, nothing sufficient to distract me. I’m so proud that you didn’t turn to food. I am not there yet, but I’m working on it. One of the ways I have learned to express my feelings is through songwriting. Here is a song I wrote last year. The “you” I refer to is my inner artist, or muse, I guess. It’s that inner voice that cries out for me to channel my energy and use it for good, rather than using every ounce of energy I have to beat myself up in creative new ways.

   http://youtu.be/TZPFLQVJZpU?list=UUoi76QvcNqOSAIvNly47HOA

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   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorNovember 26, 2014 at 9:29 am

      Thanks Fionna for posting and DOUBLE thanks for sharing your song! Touching and wonderful. I’d love to feature one or more of your songs on the show as I think the brave companions would REALLY resonate with your music and your message. Let me know! You can either record audio with speakpipe, or I can set up an FTP to the site if your video files are too large to email. I can strip out the audio for the show and feature the video on the show notes. Let me know what you think, but I believe you have a powerful voice musically and thematically. Thanks too for being so honest about sharing your dependency fears. It think you speak for many of us- you can see my OWN dependency crying out on my pathetic days. I think us learning to navigate our relationships here is a great thing. It’s pretty safe here, yet the risks and fears mimic our concerns in real life. Maybe COD is a sandbox for us to grow emotionally? Anyway, thanks for giving me a new perspective and thanks again for sharing your music. xoxoxoxoxo

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3. Kerry November 30, 2014 at 3:37 pm

   I just listened to this podcast. Loved the sound bites of your voice-training class w/ your instructor’s praise! (Am I on the right one here?) Also heard your interview w/ Mark about Intuitive Eating. Oh, Intuitive Eating! Our dieticians educated us about this during my program earlier this year–I’ve had the first-edition book for years. Yet they had us all on meal plans in order to regulate our eating. Makes sense–I was in a program w/ anorexics, so we all had to learn to eat normally. But–confession time–I secretly joined Weight Watchers online on August 31 (didn’t tell my husband, and certainly didn’t tell my therapist, who specializes in eating disorders). I have love/hate relationship with WW. I’ve succeeded w/ the program in the past, but I also became obsessive about points and weight. Now I’m just too lazy to count points! I recently (after listening to your podcasts and reading some blogs) picked up IE again. It just hasn’t clicked for me and I don’t know why! I really think all this havoc wreaking on my metabolism has messed up my hunger and fullness cues. So I don’t know if I should continue WW. I applaud you for your success w/ IE. From Mark’s perspective, it sounds like it is working. You eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. You don’t abuse the chips. Yay for Laurie! I’m still listening from early on, so I look forward to hearing about your shift in thinking over the course of the podcast (in which you decided not to diet anymore). I know in my heart that diets don’t work, but I look at WW is a variation on the meal plan the dieticians gave me at the hospital.

   Reply ↓
   1. Kerry November 30, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      Oh, and I’ve barely lost any weight in three months: 6.4 lbs. It would have been 7.6 except then my birthday and Thanksgiving decided to show up. The scale…another battle for another day!

      Reply ↓
      1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorDecember 2, 2014 at 9:06 am

         Kerry, my only question is, are you making progress toward what you want for yourself? If you are, then hooray! xoxoxoxoxox

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   2. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorDecember 2, 2014 at 9:02 am

      Hi Kerry, I’m glad you liked hearing my voice acting lesson takes. If you haven’t read it, here is the blog entry where I took MY first baby step to give that a go. Part of my journey is allowing myself to try things and to take my body size out of it. I was used to thinking “When I am thin”, or “When I lose weight”, or “When I can fit into my nice dress again” I will…. And I realized I could wait my entire life away. So began, bit by bit, just letting myself do things. As to WW, it’s pretty balanced for a restriction plan, but it is a restriction plan. I relate to the many times you’re done WW, as I did that too. I even had great success taking off weight. But for me, I didn’t change my life. Each BC has to decide what’s right for him or her. I’m thinking you may wish to run this by your therapist – but again, your choice. I tell my therapist everything good or bad, so we can look at the underlaying issues of why I react or choose the way I do. Remember, you are the adult and can choose to eat however you wish. You might take a look at why you feel the need to do WW in secret? Also, as you go through the episodes you will see that for me, I don’t lose weight (or much) with Intuitive Eating. I have stayed the same size for about 7 months now. I’m 18W in pants and 0X (whatever THAT is in tops). This is the first time I ever maintained a size without being on a diet or counting. for me IE is all about moving through the eating disorder. To discover what’s under my disordered eating and to learn how to deal with those issues in a healthier way. It is not at all about being smaller (though of course I wish that might happen). I truly can say, today, after these months of the show and therapy and finally giving up my dieting cycle, I am happier than I have ever been. I cannot say I am thinner than I have ever been. All of these issues and needs are so personal, it is really hard to take one person’s experience as a template for your own. But by all of us sharing our experiences, I think it lets us know we are not alone in these feelings and gives us new ideas to try to see if they resonate with us. Whatever you do Kerry, don’t worry about telling us. We care, and we don’t judge you for doing what is right for you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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      1. Dawny December 2, 2014 at 9:29 am

         Great reply support encouragement and wisdom dear Laurie. Your the awesomest!!!!!

         Reply ↓
         1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorDecember 2, 2014 at 10:04 am

            Ahhh shucks Miss. Dawny :::blush::: Thanks kiddo for giving me some sugar today! How’s life in Dawnyland?

            Reply ↓
            1. Dawny December 2, 2014 at 1:21 pm

               One foot Infront of the other. Wiring mindfully to be kind to myself. There’s that. Thanks.
4. Kerry November 30, 2014 at 3:41 pm

   One more thing! WOW Fionna! You are gifted! And YOU’RE a babe!

   Reply ↓
   1. Laurie@CompulsiveOvereatingDiary Post authorDecember 2, 2014 at 9:06 am

      I agree, Fionna, you ARE talented, gifted AND a babe! xoxoxoxoxox

      Reply ↓

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