Why would chips call my soul at 9:18 in the morning?
Hungry still?
No. Breakfast was just an hour ago and satisfying.
Breakfast. No mindless flurry, nor haphazard inattention.
Intentful.
Yet chips are knocking now.
Visions quickly chomped and swallowed like guilty memories. Old times, old friends, old ways.
Sunny this morning. No worries.
I shake myself to let this idea of chips fade. Move on. Move away. Be other then a chip eater at 9:19 in the morning.
A new thought.
If I ate this chip what would it say?
What could a chip say?
Here am I in salty fatty crispness ready to be bitten and crushed before slithering down your familiar gullet coating feelings in blessed unconscious fury and sad expectation.
Cliché that chip.
But do I assume its voice as I assume so much in life?
Is my relationship with chips at 9:20 AM the same as at midnight or at 3:45 PM or at a party where I don’t know what to say?
I decided to listen.
First bite.
Salt Zing. Puckered tongue. Rage. Angry anxiousness, melt down. Sad.
Biting, biting, biting. Hide.
Stop, don’t swallow. Let it speak.
Sadness. Lonely. Why?
Inner roar and groan and old old wounds come round anew.
Swallow it down. Don’t feel. Cover this.
Grab more, but no.
My life isn’t what I expect. It has colors I didn’t plan. I move against some grain I set for myself. Fear. Loss. Hope.
Change is hard, I don’t want it.
I want something new.
I want something familiar.
Try something sweet.
No ice-cream or candy.
A taste of jam.
One drop on my tongue contrasts with the salty zing of rage with comforting airiness and I move from my gut to my head.
Sweet plays higher in symphony.
Sweet is how I fool myself with dreams when reality isn’t what I hope for.
Sweet takes me to childhood outings and Grandpa giving me blue snow cones at the ball game.
The one person who totally made me feel loved…
Then guilt in my pleasure.
I should not have the cake, the cookie, the ice-cream…
I’ll show you.
More sweetness comes rolling.
Rolling and rolling until I no longer feel it nor my memory of Grandpa.
Rage cries again.
Why me.
Why not me?
Why am I not enough?
Whoop there it is.
Food speaks.
I hear.
Wowza Laurie!
I envisioned those thoughts coming straight at you like an ’80s arcade video game. Do you sometimes wish you could just respond with, “I’m letting go…” and look forward to the ‘Game Over’ moment? I do. But, nah, we don’t want to waste those hard-earned quarters (or some strange sort of investment) so we just frantically and frenetically keep on zapping at them, often missing them altogether because we’ve lost sight of the true target, fighting this battle again and again when there could be no battle at all.
And this frenzy just seems to continue.
I suspect I’m writing about life, not food.
Can we become beings free from battling?
I wonder if just noticing the battles is best.
May I accept that I battle with myself and life.
And now I sigh…I breathe…and I smile at life.
Hi eM, sure I’d like it to not deal with impulses to eat emotionally. Today was interesting since it was the first time I ate mindfully knowing I was eating emotionally in order to understand the emotions. Usually I try to discern the emotions in order not to eat. I found it fascinating to understand the different parts of my body that seem to house the impulses and the responses and how they pull each other in concert. Writing so soon after the moment allowed me to clarify it too, so that was pretty different. I tend to avoid journaling in the moment as it reminds me of calorie tracking. So while not the most fun hour, it was one of the most interesting. Thanks for giving me your take, I really appreciate it. xoxoxoxo
Thanks for your response, Laurie. 🙂 Your continued engagement helps me to better understand.
My understanding is that you are not resisting (what we resist will persist?) emotional eating, you’re simply not mindlessly engaging in emotional eating. You’re fully aware (mindful) and seeking deeper understanding of your emotions while eating. Is this understanding correct?
Wow! You are a BRAVE COMPANION!
And I have so much more to think on!
Thank YOU eM, it is always wonderful to read your thoughts. You have such a compassionate and interesting viewpoint. To answer your question, you are correct. I know longer resist emotional eating, but am striving to mindfully find out what is causing it. Next step on my journey. xoxoxox
Oh em gee!!! Another magical
Aha moment ticket! For MEEE! Whoa. That’s it. STOP resisting it… Fighting it… But rather…. Live it.. FEEL it… Understand it. Wowsa.
Thanks
Dawny’s magical mystery tour! Whoo Hooooooooooo!
ABSOLUTELY lovely Laurie =-)
you ar amazing with your wordy articulation,
thanks for happening by and sharing the lovely-ness
Thank YOU for happening by to read my wordy articulation=ness 🙂
giggle
A mindful struggle my friend. Sweet and salty hugs coming straight to you! I wish you peace of mind and kindfulness while you fight the battle of self-dissatisfaction. I call myself THE AMBULANT SIGHT when feeling this way. One thing is sure, and that is that this state is only temporary. Hang in there, sleep a lot, and get Mark to hug you often xxx
Thank you Mon Amie, I feel good and this moment was one of my BEST victories. I ‘heard’ the message of the food in just two bites and was able to consider whether it was in fact valid. I know I will never be ‘free’ from all of the feelings or habits around compulsive eating, but I do feel very stable and able to deal with them – other than by heading for the (whole bag of) chips! xoxoxox
Well done Laurie you nailed it. Awareness is 99% of the problem. It never goes away. Have just had a chocolate binge which I thought I was rid of for ages. It’s still a learning experience so we must soldier on. It will get better.
Hugs Rachel. I’ve found that each moment we struggle IS another chance to learn. And if I look at it that way, it allows me to move on more easily and not get stuck in regret. Wishing you good luck in finding out what your chocolate robot alien is trying to say. 🙂 xoxoxox
Happy weekend ala Saturday.
wi today for me showed a loss from last week that I assumed was the extreme edema but I had a ‘monthly’ gain of .2 *derp* last one was 6/27/15. I’m feeling sure tell tale signs of cycling/pms and it’s intense this time. On one hand I’m soooooooo excited because it REALLY means I’m becoming healthier and more hormonally balanced again. It’s making me reflect and remember how unhealthy not only mentally I became but as we’ll physically. Lost in diet hell prison.
IVe overall really been feeling good. More energy. Better moods/spirits/outlook. And this is awesome!
i hope all is superb in your land =~} & your husband Laurie is equally lovely & well
Hi Dawny, Mark and I had such a nice dinner out with friends yesterday and I wrapped up another animation voice class. It was awesome! Last week we did some dreaded cleaning, so it was fun to have a weekend, more focused on fun rather than chores. We are both doing well. Glad you’re feeling balanced and getting your own sea legs in these choppy emotional waters. xoxoxox
Hugs to you miss Laurie & all my fellow BC’s
I’d be lying if I said I’ve not been ‘waiting’ for the official announcement it’s been brewing awhile it seems.
Totally understandable too
Great friendships for certain…..
Noooo regrets altho great sadness! With the upmost compassion & understanding
Haha, you posted before I posted the announcement! But no worries, I just finished that. You are always welcome to post comments anytime AND to call the bravery hotline or use speakpipe. I will still hear and appreciate what you say 🙂
I felt that you (Laurie) had progressed to the point where you had your CO at a manageable level and were beginning to love/respect/trust yourself enough to seek new paths. Thank you for being an example a normal person overcoming the weaknesses in their lives. (I can listen to Julian Michales all day but never believe I could achieve her level of success. You are down to earth, honest, transparent, fallible which makes you a great guide and teacher.
I will miss hearing about you and Mark. I wish you all the success, joy and happiness you can grab along your new journeys.
I wonder if there are any other BC’s out there that might consider continuing the COD podcast, if you would consider allowing it.
I will be leaving a voice message sometime soon.
Thanks for all your love, support and hope.
Dave and Kathy.
Dave you are right, I have progressed to the place where it isn’t productive for me to focus on weight/food issues right now. It is strange not to have my compulsive food thoughts as glue to my life, but there it is. I have grown to a new place. I am editing and getting ready to release day 119 right now, and answered you about passing the torch of COD to someone else. I would not hand off COD itself as it is my story, but I would be MORE than happy to support a companion piece podcast if you, or other BCs would like to make one. I also say that if any of you want to start a podcast prior to Aug. 8, I’d be glad to feature it on the last show and make a promo for it. Same goes for blogs or other avenues BCs would like me to feature for continuation of this journey. For example, Dr. Nina has an awesome free FB group for Win the Diet Wars. I participate there from time to time, and it is right in line with what I have experienced and what I do personally. Go here and click connect with others from all over the world. I have had a great time with this experience, and will probably do some bonus episodes and one day create another show to highlight creative work, as that is where my true passion lies. Thanks so much both of you for your unending support and participation. It means so very much to me. xoxoxox