This was a selfie I took two days before writing this post. I had just ridden my bike several miles uphill from the Pasadena Rose Bowl. When I compare my face here, I look slightly thinner than in my ‘after’ photo from day 19 shown below. Worse case the same.
It’s either been 6 or 7 weeks, I’m 11 pounds down. Can you see the difference?*
*Ed. note – This caption was written on Mar. 16, 2014, ergo, I have been the same size/weight for almost 10 months with no dieting, counting, excess exercising etc. I have also gone from bingeing daily to bingeing 2x, 6 months apart, in the same time period. For full disclosure and to stand in my own truth, I have also had multiple compulsive eating episodes and knowingly eaten for emotional reasons during this time. For anyone who may quibble with that, just know that I know the difference for me.
PLEASE READ THIS HEDGE – THEN PROCEED OR NOT AS YOU CHOOSE
The following rant is about me, Laurie Weaver, and ONLY about Laurie Weaver. LAURIE WEAVER (the Laurie Weaver who writes THIS BLOG in particular, and not any of the OTHER Laurie Weavers around the world). This Laurie Weaver is writing about HER OWN shit and HER OWN perceptions and HER OWN STUFF. Please do not take this as about you — it’s ME ME ME ME ME! It’s an internal selfie, a look at the state of MY emotional affairs and this is in NO WAY the responsibility of any BC, lurker, internet troll, the weather or the price of eggs in China what I feel or say or do.
Well that felt better.
Now back to our polite version…
Dearest BCs and others who listen to the podcast and/or read this blog, the following is intended for me to work out my feelings of late and to communicate my point of view with you. I do not expect you to buy into what I do, think or say. I do ask you to believe that what I do, think and say is true for me.
Why I’m Writing This – and I’ll probably talk about it too
Some of you may well ask, ‘Oh my goodness Laurie, why are you showing us your face and talking about comparative thinness, weight, numbers and other crap like that? Aren’t you a dyed-in-the-wool Intuitive Eater? Isn’t this DIRECTLY against what you are incorporating into your life of late?’
DING DING DING DING DING!
Yes, this is EXACTLY against what I’m trying to do and be and to work on for myself. BUT lately, I’ve been feeling judged, alienated and crappy about myself when ‘success’ is judged by weight loss standards.
But even THAT is a load of crap too. When I think rationally about it, by any weight loss standard, I’m holding my own just fine. I am a statistical success. I don’t usually parade my ‘before’ photo around, but it makes a point for me to remember.
Near my highest weight of around 300 pounds. Age 38 or 39
By the fit of my clothes, I’m actually down in weight since this recent holiday photo, but it’s close enough to represent my image today. Since I’m thinner by my clothing than when I started this show and I weighed 225 then, worse case is I’ve maintained 75+ pounds gone for almost 15 years.
I WEIGHED OVER 300 POUNDS right before I went to Weight Watchers in 1999 and then I hit my goal weight of 153 in 2001, went up to 159, with my Dr.’s permission, and STAYED THERE FOR TWO FRICKIN’ YEARS! (During which time I also became part of the National Weigh Control Registry – the study that tracks successful weigh loss maintainers and participated in various studies there for more than a decade), and btw, I am still counted there as successful as I have maintained more than 30 pounds off for all of these years. Two years after I maintained my goal weight, (with EXTREME effort, I might add), I had a surgery (not related to weight)and put on about twenty pounds. As you can imagine, this screwed my confidence AND my compulsive behaviors went into overdrive. But despite all of my angst up and down and up and down the scale, the MOST I’ve weighed since 2000 is the 225 pounds that scared me into starting this show and blog.
That means that I have maintained, at WORST, a 75 pound weight loss for almost 15 friggin’ years!
And THAT Is AMAZING!
I know how to lose weight. I know how to focus. I know how to white knuckle. I know how to overexercise à la the Biggest Loser. I know how to cut out entire food groups. I know how to detox from sugar and refined foods. I have been on almost every weight loss and/or healthier eating plan imaginable.
But Laurie, you just don’t KNOW ABOUT DIET XYZ! THAT will solve your weight problem.
Sigh. I wish that were true for me. But IT FRIGGIN’ ISN’T!
Because…wait for it…..WAIT for it….WAIT FOR IT…
I DON’T HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM – I have a Weight Symptom
Ahh, grasshoppers, now we get to the heart of my feeling of alienation. Most of us, myself included, believed, or believe, that weight is the problem we are trying to solve. For some of you, it IS the problem that needs solving. BUT NOT FOR ME!
For some of you, food type makes a HUGE difference to your blood sugar, your appetite, your energy etc. For some of you, sugar is just like a drug and triggers uncontrollable urges to eat. It is chemical as well as emotional that needs addressing. BUT NOT FOR ME!
For some of you it’s a medical necessity to get that weight off right now. BUT NOT FOR ME!*
(*I’m not sharing my private information that makes me state this, but I consult my Dr. regularly and SHE is my health partner, NOT the internet.)
And the fact that weight is not MY primary problem does NOT MEAN I think I am better or lesser than people who feel differently about their priorities and their problems.
So What IS my Friggin’ problem ?
Dear BCs, lurkers, and curious well-wishers, my problem is that at a very young age I had a lot of pain in my life and it continued. My problem is that I learned to cope with that pain by developing an eating disorder. My eating disorder presents with Compulsive-Obsessive eating and Body Over-focus coupled with severe Binge Eating Disorder. I use everything about weight and fear of weight to hide from the pain that I wrongly assume is in my entire world at all times. I use the weight itself to be separate. I use the worry about my weight to be safe. It is easier to displace my pain into feeling fat or being scared of fat, rather than feeling the actual pain under the surface. I layer myself in compulsions around my body and my eating behaviors. I obsess over and over and over on the way up and down the scale.
In short, dieting and everything around it is as tempting to me as a sugar cookie might be to some.
Intuitive Eating is not a diet plan for me. It is not a weight loss plan for me. Its principles are just tools for me to not diet and not to binge. I want to cease dieting and bingeing NOT primarily so my body will change. I want to cease dieting and bingeing so I can finally FEEL the pain and DEAL with the pain in a healthy manner. I started therapy because I was successful in this. Following the principles of Intuitive Eating, I was able to turn my attention from weight. And what I felt and saw then was scary and hard and I wanted to dive right back into my well worn food/fat path rather than deal. It wasn’t any one event or series of events. It was the pattern of interactions and the way things were for me for many, many years. The rage and anger I feel is scary. The tears I shed could wipe me out until I feel there isn’t a drop of moisture in my body. I shake with rage. I cry aloud many nights. I write in my personal journal. I talk through the feelings as much as I can while respecting privacy on my show.
If you listen from DAY 1, you can hear as the episodes progress, the slow realization of my problem as it becomes more clear to me. You can see me switch from a weight loss focused show to a more ‘what about life’ focused show. The show changed as I changed. I don’t blame those who may have felt a bait and switch. There I was, feeling my frustration about being fat and trying to change being fat to being thinner. That is very relatable. There are tips and tricks and recipes and jokes. We are mostly all in the same boat there. Either we are fat, feel fat, or are scared of becoming fat. Many of my discoveries about my eating behaviors resonated. But overall, I was still trying to be thinner.
Until I wasn’t.
What’s this got to do with YOU?
And for some of you, this change was a godsend! You were either happy I stopped with the diet mentality, or at least you felt my rambling and new-found bravery gave you interesting food for thought.
Some of you didn’t care what I did or didn’t do, you were just plain there supporting me through my realizations and struggles and supporting each other as human beings might. For those of you in this camp, a HUGE heartfelt thank you and SMOOCH. You have helped me so much in this way. You have demonstrated empathy.
On the other hand, some of you felt I needed fixing, and that you knew just how. While I believe all of this was well-meant, it did the opposite. This unasked for advice caused me pain, anxiety and struggle. Even my best, closest friends, don’t know all that I’m going through or what I’m working through with my therapist and Dr., nor should they. You BCs, don’t know either. I share what I can in the way that I can and all I wanted to do with my show is to share what I’m actually going through to help myself and to maybe show others who isolate, like me, that they are not the only ones who have these feelings. THAT’s why I shared the binges, the whininess, the lack of confidence, the tears when body image issues bit me in the butt again. Not to demonstrate that I’m a failure, or a jerk who is self-delusional and has given up on herself and wants excuses to binge. I don’t NEED excuses to binge. I have binged through every diet, exercise plan, fat camp stay, food modification, hypnosis, therapy – you name it, and I binged through it. No matter if the binge came from deprivation, hunger, unaddressed emotion, who cares? I binged my life away.
I partially hoped you would support me, and the positive attention you generously gave when you did, helped my growth immensely. But believe me, the primary victory of me sharing the negative parts of my journey is that I DID share the negative. I am a perfectionist mask-wearer. I naturally want you to believe I am happy, skilled, funny, positive – sugar and spice and everything nice. I either show A+ or hide in my cave. The fact that I continued to show you all sides of me may have been interesting for you, but it was ground-breakingly brave for me. It was a huge risk. And like most risks, it came back with both wonderful rewards for the effort and painful interactions that bit me in the butt.
I won’t dwell on those, but they happened and it was hard.
Moving on, I’d like to clarify something. I don’t like to hear about scales and calories or the next great diet, but it isn’t because I think YOU ARE WRONG or that you should not do those things if it is right for you. It is not because I think you should all be just like me. It is because it is so EASY for ME to be swayed back into my obsession. It is so EASY for me to go on a diet. And a diet, of ANY KIND, triggers the binge and the worry and takes me away from feeling what I need to feel so I can work that true pain out.
And I have to tell you, that even if I work every last drop of pain out, it doesn’t mean I will get thinner.
But I believe with all of my heart, that if I work on my underlying emotional pain and learn how to deal with people and life in a more authentic manner, even when it is hard – even when people don’t like me as much as the fake me, I will have a more meaningful life. I will make more connections with people. I will be who I actually am.
And all I want for YOU, BCs, lurkers, and curious well-wishers, is that you get to be who you actually are whatever that means. That you eat as you enjoy. That you experience companionship on whatever road you choose. I don’t give a fig if you are different from me. I don’t give a fig if you change your mind, your methods and your experience over and over. Truly. I am here to support your right to be YOU.
I don’t give a fig if you call or post or talk about diets or exercise or what works for YOU. I only ask that you respect my right to walk my own path and respect the rights of others to walk THEIR paths.
My show and blog are called Compulsive Overeating DIARY and the diary is mine. It is MY journey that I talk about. I’m still amazed and happy that so many of you have walked along with me thus far, and if you glean amusement or anything useful, that’s great. I’m also sad about those who for whatever reasons disappeared, but I accept that those multitude of reasons can include those that have nothing to do with me, as well as those that do.
While Compulsive Overeating Diary has always been a very personal show, at this point it’s not a diet show, a weight loss show or anything like that. I think about and discuss my emotional underpinnings and how they relate to my disordered eating, because that is what I need. I talk about bravery in life, because that is what I need to encourage myself to bravery. I talk about creative projects because that is interesting to me and a way to express my feelings without dieting or bingeing. I try to be a safe place for those who would like a forum to discuss feelings or share their creativity. We don’t have to all like the same things. I’d LOVE to hear more jokes, get more music, more stories. I’d love create new features like Stéfanie’s where YOU create a segment and we put it together. I’d love to feature more of you being who YOU are in ways without food. But if all you want is to listen, then I’m fine with that now too.
If this was a podcast episode, instead of blog post, I guess I would say right now, that what I’m letting go of today, is you.
I need to set you free in my heart to be whoever you are.
I need to set you free in my heart to participate or not.
I need to set you free in my heart to like me or leave me.
I need to set you free to set myself free. And I’m going to work on that.
Thank you Suz for posting this WONDERFUL video featuring Brené Brown’s awesome take on empathy. That’s what I’d like right now. Your empathy.
xoxoxoxoxox
Laurie, you are AMAZING!
that’s the only way to sum it up! Im sooo glad that you are coming to peace with YOU and what works or doesn’t for YOU, and for ALL that you are!
it’s awesome, and even thru these ‘rants’ as you call them, I see things that reflect on me, and that i can use to help things and to see what might work for ME, and i KNOW that isn’t your intent, but it works FOR ME.
it gives me things to think about, it lets me see life for some-one else, im all aware of what works for one doesn’t another, and also that what works this week, might not next week, or even tomorrow LOL
ive feared for awhile that talking, sharing, wondering, thinking about where I am in my journey right now, is/might be effecting some (YOU) in your plight to avoid diet, scales, food etc. and have felt ‘reserved’
we all just have to accept that what is for US, as in ME, or YOU is as you said OUR personal journey, and i can’t speak for any/every-one of us BC’s, but I get the vibe, those that are speaking, sharing, commenting and most ‘interactive’ are fully aware of this, and i get the ‘feelings’ that many get what i do from each of our postings, that we have to take it for what it is, as in YOU, or ME, or THEM, and not tell YOU or ME or THEM what/how/why etc.
You are PERFECT the way YOU are, because if YOU were any other way YOU Would NOT be YOU!
Thanks Laurie for EVERYTHING you do for us, and for YOU
HAHAHA, Dawny, why does it not surprise me you posted support about 1 minute after this difficult to write post went live? 😉 What a kind and caring heart you have. Thank you my friend, and I hope your new job appreciates YOUR awesomeness and passion for others. xoxoxoxox
Whew! Wow, Laurie, it sounded and felt like you really needed to get that said.
Good for you. I think I get where you’re coming from. I haven’t yet found my path, but you have been very clear about yours, and you have enough self-awareness to know where your triggers are, and to know what you want to work on.
We all want to feel okay being ourselves, and seek our own truths, and we all want to feel accepted and okay while we do that. I suppose there will always be misunderstanding and miscommunications amongst people, but as long as we respect one another, and keep listening, being brave, and speaking our truth, I think we can minimize heartache and maximize growth.
I didn’t know your podcast would go in this present direction when I started, but I have never once felt disappointed because of it. I have been intrigued and encouraged.
And believe me, I am quite familiar with that icky feeling I get when someone recommends a new diet tip for me. I just want to flick the person in the nose and walk away! I know they mean to be helpful, but they don’t see what an emotional trigger that is. All one can do in that situation is either politely smile and say something noncommital and try to tamp down any triggered feelings, or speak your truth and hope the person isn’t offended and that they understand where your’e coming from.
The diet mindset is a hard rut to get out of. It’s reinforced almost everywhere you look in this noisy world. The healthiest place seems to be in the quiet, away from all that. It’s not easy to do, but it is rewarding. I’ve seem glimpses of it from time to time!
You seem very confident that the path you are on is the right one. So it’s good you’re staying on it.
And while not everyone is on the same path, you still shine a light on so many important issues. It makes this eating disorder journey less dark and lonely for the rest of us.
Go Laurie, go!
~suz
Suzanne my friend, I think we are long lost soul sisters somehow. You always seems to just get me, even if we aren’t the exact same. I love that about you. I’m so glad you found your way here to be a shining light for us. xoxoxoxox
Hugs Laurie.
Thanks Cassie, I so appreciate your support and I was shocked by the response. It touches me. It makes me more brave. xoxoxoxox
♡♡♡♡♡
xoxoxoxox
Laurie,
Your post has me sitting here with tears in my eyes. You put your thoughts into words much better than I could’ve ever, so much of my struggle. It’s not all about dieting and weight for me either, it’s the triggers that cause me or you eat with no boundaries and then the guilt of being out of control. Triggers(underlying “stuff”), guilt, eat, no control, guilt because of no control, triggers eating out of control. It’s a vicious catch 22 and it’s a daily friggin’ struggle.
I usually don’t post about my own issues, but reading your blog and listening to your thoughts has helped me identify how to express the feelings that I feel with in my own therapist on our sessions.
Thank you for being my found treasure.
Wish you well and thank you for being honestly raw and sharing.
You are appreciated and loved.
Nameste
June
Hugs June, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for the bravery and compassion you show by stepping out to support me here in public. What a wonderful act of empathy. You too are a treasure and your words are powerful. xoxoxoxoxox
I had to come back here. I haven’t stopped thinking about this since I read it and replied. Something just clicked in my head. For the last hour I just can’t stop thinking about what you wrote. My weight is not my problem it’s a symptom of my problem!!!!!
Oh my! I’ve heard this so many times before. But it never hit me like it has right now.
My weight is not what causes me grief and anxiety. It’s the actions that I take that are causing the symptoms a.k.a. my weight. The foraging for food. The reason for food as others have said here in their comments. The triggers the things that I’m doing that are being fed. Not the weight its the outcome the symptom. It’s the actions. June said it quite well.
We have a great group of us here.
And thus just drives the point I was making a little deeper. Each if our thoughts feelings and actions are our own but others ‘situations’ and ‘journeys’ no matter what they are help us with our paths
I can mimic what was said “I’ve yet to feel disappointed or let down” by you or any other BC’s laurie, but. That’s surely because I go into this with the mindset your journey is yours. My journey is mine. That’s what makes the world go around. What works for you might not me. What works for me might not you. I want friends. I want people to understand. I like it here because we all get it. I’m with friends that don’t judge me and tell me how I should do things or what I’m doing wrong. People get it. Support and encourage.
[[[[Applause Dawny!]]]]]
Dawny, isn’t it funny how we CAN hear these old chestnuts over and over and our eyes glaze over until one day the lightbulb goes off for us? I’ve heard,’It isn’t the food’ for about 1000 years and never gave it credence. For me, it really ISN’T the food. In fact, I was just laughing about the fact that my last epic binge, my equal opportunity binge, contained EVERYTHING EXCEPT POTATO CHIPS! Hahaha I still have bags of them in the cupboard, but didn’t gravitate to them. I really have legalized them to the point of them not even being good binge food – AND I still like them. 😉 I’m happy that you find value in my thoughts, because as you balance your way, I am very interested in yours. One day, when I am ready, I may do a similar thing. Maybe not. I’ll worry about it once I’m a little further on in my emotional work and feel confident my body goals are about my body and not about avoidance. Thanks so much for all of your support. xoxoxoxoxoxox
Bravo Laurie! What an awesome, honest, raw, BRAVE post. Good for you, and thank you for sharing your personal journey with us.
Thank you Amy, and especially for being my ear. It helped sooooo much! xoxoxoxxo
As a fellow perfectionist mask-wearer, I can relate to a lot of what you said. “I’m letting go of you.” That’s the toughest thing of all, isn’t it?
🙂 xoxoxoxox
Dear Laurie,
I feel your struggle. In any normal situation, I would tell a friend that is vulnerable to reduce to its minimum the exposure to hard situations. But in your case, these people are your BC’s. Your beloved community. On one side, you need to protect yourself from harm by not exposing yourself to that very thing you are fighting: diet mentality, scales, calories. On the other side, these people are your friends, BC’s, family. It seems like in some way, choosing to support them in their journey, which you want to do, also comes with a risk, the risk to harm your own journey. That is a hard struggle, my friend. I feel you. It’s like if you asked an alcoholic to go hang out at the bar with friends, without taking alcohol. I guess there is no perfect solution to this, right? Sometimes it might be a good idea to retract in a protected bubble for that person’s sake, and sometimes, it might be a good idea to get into the real world to thicken our skin and become stronger. And whichever you choose can be different from an hour to another, depending on so many factors: vulnerability, mood, fatigue, … Whichever you choose, whenever you choose, Laurie, I walk right by you.
Stéfanie xx
No worries Mon Amie, my intent wasn’t to shut down diet talk, but in fact to ENCOURAGE you that it’s ok to talk about those elements if that is your path and part of your process. I don’t want the kind BCs to feel funny or awkward since they are different from me and I want to inform unkind people, who think I am their business, to back off, that I am who I am. I just want to make sure everyone understands MY path and to ask everyone to respect my decision. It’s fine with me if you say that you lost weight etc. Or that you worry about weight gain, or you talk about good recipes etc. – as long as it is part of your journey and you are communicating these things as part of your own journey. I just don’t want methods touted as ‘the way’, or unsolicited advice tossed around. Truly, I’m just letting everyone know my thoughts and feelings. Don’t worry about me, Mon Amie, I’m doing very well since I worked this all out. xoxoxox
First and foremost I have to agree with Dawny. If you were any other way than what you are, you wouldn’t be Laurie. I think you’ve probably figured out by now that I’ve thrown my hands in the air in surrender to the diet gods and said I’m just not going to do it any more. That’s why I stopped commenting on it so much. I did that because the truth is as you said (and I’ve known that for a long time) that the weight gain — except in very few instances — is only a symptom, not the root problem. Does being overweight cause other issues and make us HAVE to try to get the weight off? Absolutely. But that’s not usually where everything started.
I guess the other thing for me, though, is I’ve never SEEN this podcast as a “diet” site. It has always been just a trail up that mountain with you where we can enjoy each others’ company. Cry with each other, laugh with each other, be dumbfounded with each other. Whatever. Friends don’t judge friends. And I thought that video was so frickin’ amazing I’m sending it to my sis and my husband as they both need to understand the difference.
Laurie, you can’t be expected to keep what you’re feeling inside because it doesn’t jive with what other people are doing about dieting. It will exhaust you. I had my sister and her husband over for dinner Friday night. He has lung cancer. After we ate, HL and I sat and listened for nearly four hours to them go on and on about themselves. Never once did they ask Arn about HIS job or HIS retirement plans. Greg retires in 28 days and he must have repeated that ten times while we talked. In the meantime Arn was becoming more and more heartbroken because he’s so tired and still has so far to go before he can retire. But they’re so unaware of anyone but themselves. When they left, HL and I just looked at each other and sighed. We were so tired. They’ve invited us up for dinner next week. I have no doubt the conversation will be a repeat of the one we just had.
You’re sitting here trying to be all things to all people and that just doesn’t work. You need to get things out, too. And if it takes a post like this, then so be it. It’s healthy. I think this podcast has moved beyond a speaker and listeners. You have so many friends now who are here and willing to be YOUR sounding board, too. So good for you for saying what you need to. We understand. And if there are so who don’t, they are welcome to not come around anymore. You’re more than entitled to your feelings.
I hope you’re feeling better. I could sense how wound up and tight you were. Do something fun tonight and just relax.
Big BIG hugs,
Cheryl
You are so right in this Cheryl:
Much of the lesson I’m learning as I delve into my own issues, is how I always feel the other person’s needs, rights, feelings come first. I tend to back down when maybe I shouldn’t, THEN I may overcorrect and blast you for the smallest emotional infraction because of my built up frustrations. But it ALL boils down to “Do I trust MYSELF to care for MYSELF?”. As a kid, I didn’t have that luxury, I was a kid. I had to take much that happened with limited control. As an adult of many years, I now have the option to choose my actions and consider my reactions.
This post was written to help me understand my conflicted feelings. It was written after a private email exchange where I was much more salty and more plain with a BC who reached out to support me privately. After feeling better from that, I decided to put it out there for the community AND for the “I know the only way” haters who have been bothering me of late. So I wrote it once, and let it sit 24 hours. What you have here is the ‘cleaned’ version LOL.
I found out an interesting fact. Between the last couple of shows and posts, I now am very firm and comfortable in my skin, my body and my process. Feeling as such, I really am not bothered any longer by others. Mostly, I see rude behavior as about the other person’s insecurity or feelings of their lack. I know I’m most pushy, bossy, and rude when I’m not feeling great about myself or my situation. I also don’t feel pinpricks of envy or insecurity when others go a different way or have success or do something other than my way. Because they have nothing to do with who I am and who I choose to be. I can embrace them as friends or ignore them as gnats. I still am working on discerning those who deserve my trust and deserve my caring. And if you are sincere in your own journey without pushing it unasked on me, then you deserve my respect and care. When we have had some time and interactions together and I see and feel our mutual respect, then you deserve my trust. It is the balance of healthy emotional distance AND healthy emotional letting in that is tricky for me. But I am getting better at it. And the better I get at it the less I am tossed around on the crazy waves that my life used to be.
Thanks so much my very good and long-time friend, we have been through a boatload of those waves together, and I appreciate you sharing those ups and downs with me.
xoxooxoxoxoxoxox
“Much of the lesson I’m learning as I delve into my own issues, is how I always feel the other person’s needs, rights, feelings come first. I tend to back down when maybe I shouldn’t, THEN I may overcorrect and blast you for the smallest emotional infraction because of my built up frustrations. But it ALL boils down to “Do I trust MYSELF to care for MYSELF?”.”
Lord have mercy! I am so, so guilty of that with HL. Seems I need to think about what you said there.
“And if you are sincere in your own journey without pushing it unasked on me, then you deserve my respect and care. ”
I think we should have that put on a sign over the “front door” of COD because that is exactly the crux of the matter in ALL our lives.
XXXOOO
Great post Laurie!
Thanks Amy! Great to see you on this side of the Pond. We have another new BC from Australia, named Natalie, and that made me wonder how you were doing lately. xoxoxoxox
Still here and enjoying listening !