Mark and me on an early morning bike ride in Ventura. Even by the ocean, it was HOT HOT HOT! This was taken right before I headed off to explore the urgent care options around Ventura – thanks to my guts.
You gotta have guts to say good-bye!
In English, having guts is the same thing as having courage or balls or cojones (I guess we got that one from Spanish, but I digress). Guts are also a euphemism for our digestive process. Gut troubles can be tummy/colon related OR lack of courage.
In the last several days since day 120 went live, I’ve had reason to think about my guts every which way but loose!
It was hard to let my show go. Really hard. It took a toll I think.
Day 120 took me so much time to process, both emotionally and literally. That sucker turned out to be over 2 and a half hours long! Wow, that’s a butt load (sorry for all of my behind analogies, but you will soon discover, that behind is on my mind) of writing, editing and recording. Never mind the emotional stones it took to actually press the publish button for the last time to send my little show live. I felt shaky, sick, proud, barfy, quivery… you name it, I felt it. How would the BCs react? Would they comment? Would they like it? Was it too much about me and my voice over stuff? Would the writers who volunteered to read their work be a good thing or something to scrub through? Would everyone be as excited as me to hear BC Dave’s writing performed by professional voice talent? Would they love Fionna’s song as much as me? Was I a success as BC Dave said in his bravery hotline message? Or was I just another fat middle aged woman who had given up?
I have to give Dawny props, because SHE was posting her love for the last episode early the next morning. Wow! I released it in the evening, and she had time to listen to the long-ass sucker and post by 8:00AM! Alen Standish too was on last show alert. He texted me the next day with his enjoyment. When queried about how the heck a busy guy such as himself could hear the whole thing so soon, he replied he’d used it on one of his scheduled long runs to pass the time.
I’ve heard from a few more BCs, including Fionna, Suz, Dave and our newest BC, Petra. So I’m happy with that. But I’ve also watched the steady drop off of FB likes as people are actually unliking the show page and reduction in show downloads and blog visits. Even though it was expected, I have to admit to feeling a bit blue with this outward proof that my show, as it was anyway, was over.
Mark and I went to the salon soon after. Nothing cheers you up like looking your best! It felt weird to do things without having to record them – so for old time’s sake I did record this fun moment on my phone.
Here’s the video I posted to Instagram.
BTW, follow me on Instagram at LaurieDreamWeaver if you’d like to see what we are up to. I don’t post all of the time, but a photo or two will usually make it there before it goes to any other communication.
Something Feels Off…
Now, my digestive system has never been quick. But it’s always chugged along pretty well no matter what I fed it. But it seemed, ever since the last show went live, to get slower and slower and slower, until things really ground to a complete and total stop. I wasn’t too worried at first, as I said, me and my guts have never been speedy Gonzales – but as time went on, I began to wonder about what I was eating to cause this?
Different approaches, different amounts, different types of food – my intro to Prune Juice -YUK
Mark and I decided to go up to Ventura to have some fun and take some long rides. Usually, exercise does wonders for my emotions AND my digestion.
We got there, rode over to our favorite restaurant, and I wasn’t hungry and couldn’t eat much – despite a very light eating day.
Sunset from our lovely room in Ventura. This was taken just after I didn’t eat much dinner!
Then the next day Mark and I went for a long bike ride, and I noticed that things were REALLY at a halt and I wasn’t comfortable at all. Worried now, we found a great urgent care to investigate.
Many ways to spell relief
I wasn’t in a hurry to go to a Dr. partly, because it is super embarrassing AND I didn’t want to fight the scale fight. What might I weigh NOW packed to the gills with digestive troubles. Nope, didn’t want to see that number. No worries though, the nurse didn’t blink an eye when I requested the number be kept from me. Very nice about it. Dr. too, nice. Visions of tests and uncomfortable exams filled my poor brain while Mark kicked his heels outside in the waiting room.
No worries, the Dr. took my history, listened all around poor guts with her stethescope and found me worthy to just do over the counter remedies – aggressively. She was so kind she even typed out a 3 step plan for me HERSELF! This was all news to me, because I have never even had a laxative outside of surgery prep in my life. Let alone the full on battery of what was ahead. Also new, a diet comprised of only grapes and the aforementioned prune juice. OMG, what misery! Poor grapes, once my favorite fruit are now relegated behind broccoli and turnips in my desire to eat them. Armed with the plan, and her instructions to go to the pharmacy and start at once, Mark and I cut short our trip, and hit the drugstore on the way home.
No more details for you thank God!
Let’s just say I’ve had better days.
What else has been going on?
Let’s leave the adventures in digestion to revisit some cool stuff.
First, Here’s a video of my latest toy for my sound studio space. What makes this great is I can locate the computer now behind the sound blankets and remove more excess noise from my takes at the mic. Always a good thing. Here check it out.
First finished demo segment
Another exciting moment. David sent me the first completed segment for my demo. Now this is longer as a stand alone than it will be edited into the rest, but it was still pretty cool to hear it. Imagine this one is for an online explainer video on a company intranet.
Thanks for staying in touch Suz xoxox
Something Suz posted stuck with me. (I promise no more “behind” jokes either)
It does sound more and more though like you’re focusing on what you really want to DO instead of what you’d like to weigh or look like. So that’s positive.
I realized even going through this tummy misery, that my life IS about what Mark and I can do. I felt crummy, but not because I felt fat. And I DID feel HUGE with a tummy that would out-Buddha Budda, but mostly, I wanted to feel better in my body to get back to my “regular” life. (ok, ONE last joke, couldn’t resist). I wanted to record. I wanted to hike, I wanted to even clean my dusty house of horrors. I didn’t worry what I looked like really. And I look very, very fluffy right now. But I know it’s temporary. I feel no urge to diet. I do feel like exercising as I can, and making sure I take care of myself nutritionally. But food is the stuff that gives me energy. Things are moving along, in more ways than one.
Please stay in touch too!
And as BC Dave has said and written, Once a BC ALWAYS a BC. So what have YOU been up to since last I recorded? Ever had these evil gut issues? Hope not. I hope you’ve got guts in all of the good ways and can stay far, far away from the prune juice. Post away, I want to know about your life, because whether I say it or type it,I really, really, really, REALLY, really, really, care.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
I hope everything in your life is as good as it can be…I would say perfect, but we know where that leads. Miss you, but still following!
Hi Cassie! Thanks for stopping in, things are feeling pretty good right now – never perfect, but good enough for happiness and excitement. Taking things in stride MUCH better than I used to. Hope most is going well with you too! (Would say ALL but we know where THAT goes, hahaha 😉 ) xoxoxoxox
Hi Laurie,
I didn’t comment on the last show because my life has been very focused on getting ready to start the school year. We never start until the Tuesday after Labor Day so I’ve been a busy bee trying to prepare. We had open house on Thursday and I got to meet my new students. My Gram always called them my “charges”. It is going to be a busy year, that is for sure! Now I get to relax at the lake for the weekend and that is exactly what I am doing.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had gut issues. I often have them, but usually it is a direct result of a binge or overeating fest. I hope this is a one time thing for you so that you can get back to doing the things you enjoy doing!
Hi Amy, no worries, I surely understand what back to school is like. Enjoy the fresh page that September brings! Thankfully my issue was not overeating related, but may be emotional and from sitting around much more than usual from all of the editing I did vs my typical busy pattern of activity. Seems to have been a one off, at least for now. Funny how we don’t appreciate things (like great tummy health) until they are gone! I’ll never take Mr. Gut for granted again. xoxoxoxoxo
Hi there Laurie,
Have started to listen to the last episode ,but have deliberately left it because I want to savour it and I hate goodbyes. Sorry to hear your guts are not great. Perhaps it’s a reaction to your emotional state. As always love the honesty and humour too!!! Have noticed you are much more confident in taking photos of yourself. That’s progress in confidence. Great to see Mark too. Thank you for my mention in the last episode. It gave me an inner thrill of recognition. If you are still posting on Facebook then I will still be reminded of your progress. Take care because I still care xxx
Hi Rachel, You aren’t the first BC I’ve heard of who is in “savor” mode. I think the guts did indeed react to my emotional state. There wasn’t much change in diet or else wise to explain it. Day by day I’m feeling a bit better now. Thanks too for noticing about the photos. I pretty much let them be how they are these days. It is AMAZING how different the angles can be. I’m still pretty much the same size (buddha belly excepted) yet my appearance in photos can swing wildly depending on the light, how far or close the camera was etc. And every time it really makes no difference to the moment. I count allowing myself to be ok as is, is one of my hardest won victories and still something I work on. Thanks so much for the comment, it made my day and you are VERY welcome for the mention. You have been a long time supporter and I’m glad your comment was there to be read at Descanso. xoxoxoxox PS, I don’t spend much time on FB, but am there once in awhile. So if you comment or send a message, I will see it eventually. I mostly hang out here, send TheBraveryCoach tweets or post photos to IG these days.
So very lovely to happen upon some writings from you miss awesome =~}
I’ve missed you and your musings and definitely the show.
But I too have been busy with life. Onto job search adventures again and making my way thru the world today takes everything I’ve got some days.
I’m glad you worked out… Ha… Er uhm. Through… Or.. Well. Your guts stuff. Doesn’t sound fun by any means.
Oh Dawny, I’m sorry to hear you are back in job-land adventure safari! But glad you are getting through it with courage and your awesome attitude. Hugs and from FB I enjoyed your adventures in Seattle with your little bestie. I’ll keep on musing here when I can. This whole guts thing REALLY took me by surprise. No end of things body seems to teach me. xoxoxoxoxo
It’s time to search out new job opportunities before I “have” to. I’ve happened upon working for a dr with several screws loose and a financial disaster. Idk how to say/explain it. It’s messy. Very negative non cohesive work environment as well.
On a good note adding the experience with my education has opened up some good job prospects/opportunities. So there’s that. I’ve got 3 for sure interviews this week and one I played phone tag with. Yahoooo
Sending you positive job energy my gal. Fingers crossed for a good situation. Exciting that your prospects are widening. Sometimes those pesky times are stepping stones to something more. Hugs!
Good point miss Laurie =-) everything happens for a reason, Im thankful for the experience this ill found experience gave to me, and it’s made me stronger in my ‘skill’ too because enduring grumpy/mean people with a smile on your face is tough day in and day out for 9 months. =-) It’s hard to continue to work in a place with ethics I dont promote/believe in, not to mention the fact that im in front line of the phone calls, from lawyers, govt agencies, and more so the BILL collectors for UNPAID bills, and… add to that the calls I get to make to patients to cancel/re-schedule their appts because we don’t have adequate supplies to perform the appt because the place won’t ship any more until they get the unpaid 6 month balance due, and the dr. seems to be having an issue finding a new place to get the stuff from *derp*.. YUCK…
Im enduring some unknown the cause pain, it seems a sciatica type situation.. argh, why did I turn 40? ha! seems like everything started going awry at that point.. ha
Get thru this I must.. weeeeee
Thanks for being awesome,
I miss you =-)
Oh Dawny, when your body is in pain like that, it is HARD to focus anywhere else. The body is very immediate. I’m sorry to hear your work situation turned out to be so disappointing. I had one similar situation once, and I know how hard it is to realize the truth of where you are. Good for you to take action. Hugs and love, and I hope your pains (in all ways reduce). xoxoxox
Hi Laurie, I am sad to see that there is a final show. I have only just found your podcast and I love it, the total honesty, such a rarity these days. Compulsive overeating has been my struggle since childhood yet I have never discussed it with ANYONE, not my best friend, not my husband, no one. I hate to eat in front of anyone and try to avoid it at all cost. I am so excited about your podcast and am looking forward to all of them. Let me know if you plan to do any more. I did sign up on your website.
Hi Jeanene welcome! I so appreciate that it is sad to see a series you just found has just posted its last show! But I guess the good news is that I did 120 shows on the topic – so it will take awhile for you to get through them. I’m also sorry it is hard to eat in front of people, but I surely understand. I often would eat very limited amounts out in front of people, and then make up for it later on my own. It has been interesting relearning my food behaviors over the last 18 months. But enough about me. Please feel free to post your comments here or call the bravery hotline, as I am still around and other listeners are too. I will do some more shows in a bit, but my focus will be less on my food issues and more on life. I’m so grateful you took the time to post here. Reaching out is a very brave step. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts as we continue on this interesting life journey. Hugs.
I’m stuck on an deep inhale as I paused ep. 120 at 60 min sharp. I have been running around like crazy for many reasons and busyiness took over me. I have not yet found the time or the mindful and attentive state of mind I want to have for the grand finale. It’s to come hopefully this week!
I hope you…. digest all of this in a metaphoric and not metaphoric way lol xxx
Hello Mon Amie! I guessed you would be one who would take your time with listening. But like fine wine, it improves with time. I’ve been relistening to my old shows, I did day 5 yesterday about “Listening to your guts for truth”. Wow! What would THAT Laurie say about guts today? hahahaha. But it is really interesting to hear those thoughts. It is like forgetting what you wrote and reading like a reader would. I also know back to school is busy for you too. Hope all is smooth (or at least interesting) up your way. xoxoxoxoxox
I’m busy getting things done and ready to start piano lessons soon. I agonized all summer about whether or not I would even be able to do it…but I’m going to try.
At one time I had all of the COD episodes on my MP3 player! I finally took them off so it was easier to find my music..haha…but please, please give us warning if you ever do want to or need to take them down, because I still want to be able to listen to them. But I know you pay $$$ for the space to keep them up.
I saw my NP last week, and she told me about a genetic test that I had never even heard of…but basically they take a buccal swab and send it to a lab and they can actually tell you whether your body can even metabolize certain medications! Amazing. So glad scientists mapped the human genome and now amazing genetic tests and treatments are coming along. Anyway, my NP told me she had been taking the same antidepressant for about 10 years, and the test showed that she couldn’t even metabolize it!
I don’t think insurance covers this, but at this point, it’d be silly of me not to have it done. I’ve been on different SSRIs for years and never really felt much better. I have the same blood type as my father, and we are very similar in many ways….and he has been looking for help for many years as well, but nothing seems to help, and he calls himself a “non-responder.” Maybe he should have the test as well. If my results come back that I don’t respond to the medicines, well, that would just make sense. And I’ve lost several years and quite a bit of money taking meds that can’t work on me. If I find out my body does metabolize that medicine, I’m not even sure what the next step would be.
So now to be patient and wait for the results. Should be about 2 weeks. Can’t even take the next step until we figure this part out first.
I hate to get my hopes up, but I did tell my NP, I’ve been struggling so much, and always feeling like I need to be making progress with my health and my weight/eating habits….but now I realize that I can’t even really tackle that without dealing with the depression first. Losing weight or changing your lifestyle is hard enough without being achy and exhausted and distracted and sad all the time. So just saying that made me feel like a little bit of the burden was lifted.
I wonder what % of compulsive overeaters or binge eaters also suffer from depression? My guess is it’s pretty high. The feel-good neurotransmitters are probably low and food helps give them a boost. And then the brain gets trained that it needs the food to feel good, maybe? I mean, nobody binges on food that isn’t highly palatable and doesn’t light-up the feel-good or addictive pathways in the brain.
Hmm.
Looked a little at public domain songs….mostly classical/baroque etc…I need piano lessons! Haha.
Hope everyone had a great labor day weekend. I had a quiet one.
Wow Suz, that test sounds like an amazing lifesaver! It will be awesome for you to get some clarity on the class of meds that may help. You are also correct, I think, that it is very hard to care about anything, ESPECIALLY big changes to lifestyle when in the midst of depression. The best key is to be very small at that point. Choose the best you can in a small way, rest, eating for energy, small pleasure. The lack of energy is something that folks who have not been through depression can’t understand. No worries that I’ll let you all know if I decide to pull down the old episodes. Right now, seems enough new folks are finding it, that is is worth something to me. Have fun checking out the songs – maybe there will be a pearl that is fun to play or learn. xoxoxox
Tee hee, “a tummy that could out-Buddha Buddha”! First time I’ve ever seen Buddha used as a verb! I also think Buddha Buddha would be a great name for a cat.
I envy your motivation, and your urges to get up and do things. Not just ruminate on things. That’s my goal for whatever treatment I may try next for depression. I’ll know I’m making progress when I feel like doing stuff instead of hiding from stuff.
LOL! Yeppers, Buddha is my new verb for how my body is feeling off and on. Very frustrating. Very tough to get into one’s doctor these days. Was recommended a good GI Dr. – guess what, next appointment available is January! Sheesh. But I seem to be doing a bit better, so plan B is to watch and document. I used to be a star ruminator, I even did a segment on Daily Adventure Tales about that. You might enjoy listening to my thoughts on this one. I recorded it in Tacoma, early morning on a pier. But I’ve learned that finding an action, any action, helps break this habit. Even just writing down a possible action on a list – like make appointment with Dr., or take a bath, or listen to a song, or cook a meal I love (cooking is soothing to me, and opposite of compulsive). But actions do break the rumination cycle. Hang in there. I’m not always motivated, I just have learned over time what gives me better emotional results. xoxoxoxox