I celebrated doing two brave things by buying this crocheted butterfly bracelet and visiting the camellias at Descanso Gardens

How Much Do You REALLY Celebrate Your Small Milestones?

This was a question my acting teacher asked us in class. The process of acting can be scary, thrilling, emotional. It takes risk to reveal yourself on stage (or on the mic). Each success is a victory. It should not be discounted. Each week I would have some new success in class, and the next week my teacher would ask,

Laurie, How did you celebrate?

I would look away, nodding, and changing the topic. I had heard of this advice before. In weight loss programs, in school, In every self-help book.

Celebrate small victories!

For me, making my bed in the morning is a victory. But I couldn’t see myself buying commemorative items for it. Every time I eat when I’m hungry instead of bored it’s a victory, but if I treated myself to a special tea or treat each time, I would soon be drinking and eating for celebration all day long and never get hungry again.

I can come up with zillions of excuses why it is STUPID to “have to celebrate” small victories.

Notice what I wrote there? HAVE to celebrate. Another chore in my mind has been added to my plate. The very idea of ME celebrating my own work/accomplishment/bravery is a chore in my tangled up compulsive mind. Don’t want another chore, so I don’t want to celebrate.

Wah? Crazy making. This is a hidden challenge I hadn’t let go of – mostly since I had no awareness of it. Besides being prone to negative and all or nothing thinking, which means I tend to teflon good comments away as BS while welcoming the slings and arrows of Zingers deep within, I had a wrong headed image that celebrating what I accomplish is a chore, not a joy.

Well this attitude would not fly with my excellent teacher. Last week she made a point that my acting would stall if I didn’t MAKE TIME AND SPACE, to even in a very small way, celebrate my victories. And I realized this was true in life as well as art. I NEEDED to learn to let in my own good thoughts about myself, my work and my bravery. Not for show, not for armor, not even for compliance to my teacher’s wishes. I needed to start being my own best friend, fan and mentor. I needed to learn how to show myself genuine love and appreciation so I would respond to these good feelings and grow in a positive way.

I don’t care how many good friends, loved ones or BCs we have, they cannot be there for every moment of our positive growth. As a teacher, I know that reinforcement works. Techers don’t have those gold stars for nothing! So the best way to reinforce our positive accomplishment is to get in the habit of acknowledging and celebrating each victory, large and small, ourselves.

I won’t lie, I find this challenging.

But I am determined to do whatever it takes to improve as an actor – even if it means being nice to myself!

(Just the fact I wrote that last sentence SHOWS how deeply my knee-jerk negativity habit is intrenched regarding my performance in art and life)

Celebrate, Celebrate, Dance to the Music!

Last week I did two brave things.

1. I asked someone for help without apologizing for the inconvenience of me asking them.
2. I tried for a voice acting job I want without talking myself out of it with excuses.

So I took myself to Descanso just to see the Camellias in bloom. While there I found the butterfly bracelet featured in the photo above. It is a knitted trinket. It didn’t cost very much, but the butterflies are a symbol of change. Each time I see them on my wrist I’m reminded, that I am

Changing for the Braver

And last acting class, I sang on stage.

Time for a diamond tiara of bravery!

Oh yah, I have that, Thanks Suz!

My 50 year old Eeyore wears my BRAVE tiara which was a birthday gift from Suz. It is symbolic.

Might be to take it off Eeyore and wear it myself!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I like this photo. The look on my face reminds me of my iconic accidental selfie hiking shot that is the logo for this show. I see clarity and peace — not worry about my body, fears, or anything else. A moment to capture!

Fork in the Road

I take a moment to pause at the fork in the path that would take me to the podcast rock before I turn the corner.

But I’m not sitting around fretting the past.

Facing the Future

You will NEVER guess in one million years what I was doing instead of podcasting as I walked around the park. I was learning the song, I’m not that Girl, from the musical Wicked. And I was learning it, because I am working on playing Elphaba in acting class.

Now you who have traveled along my path for the last few years might find your JAWS DROPPING at that idea.

1. Elphaba SINGS in front of people (gasp)
2. Elphaba is a LEADING part – therefore thrust in front of people (no hiding there)
3. Elphaba by type is NOT cast as almost 57 and over 200 pounds (this is what my physical form provides)

But a big lesson I’m learning in acting class is:

SO the F*CK What?

What is there to be gained by fear? Who is ever helped by lack of passion or purpose? How can we possibly SURPRISE ourselves if we always play things safe?

Perfection Doesn’t Help My Middle Age Angst

At my age, not only are icons of my time, like David Bowie and Glenn Frey passing away with frightening regularity, all of my phone calls with my mom include funeral news about more and more neighbors, friends and cohorts of hers. My dad passed away almost 7 years ago, I still can’t believe that one, and in a very real way, the world feels as if it is shifting and crumbling from all I knew into who knows what?

It pushes the point:

If not now, when?

And if I am going to try something, be it voice acting or singing, or rock climbing, then chances are pretty dang good I’m not going to be perfect. Probably, even not with the proverbial practice. Practice DOES make improved, but never, never, perfect. Perfection for me is a myth and an excuse. I had SO MUCH FEAR that I would screw something up. A phobia, a feeling that I WOULD DIE if I screwed something up. But guess what, self?

I’m going to DIE ANYWAY!

I used to use my body and my weight as an excuse not to pursue or try anything important. I always had thinness and perfection over my rainbow. Just one more diet, one more exercise plan, one more revelation about good food/bad food, one more chance to make my dreams come true.

Crap.

I don’t overeat anymore.

I exercise more than most my age.

I’ve been thin and fatter than this.

But my 56, almost 57 year old body is not a stranger. This body shape and level of gravity has been mine for most of my life.

I am who I am.

I used to use perfection as an excuse. Once I learned to sing (if ever) I would. Can’t possibly let anyone hear a clunker note attributed to me! I can’t write stories without having them be perfect. What would people think? I can’t possibly make a podcast without tons of market research and advice from experts. I MIGHT FAIL!

Phooey! I like to sing.
I like to write
I like to make podcasts.

Sometimes I sing better then others.
Sometimes my stories are a good swing at bat – they hit or miss.
Sometimes my podcasts flourish, and other times they languish.

The Big Question

If I take away fear, and rainbow dreams of a perfect body and a perfect talent, and dependence on ‘what other people think and say’

Who am I?

Outdoor lover

I’m off for my first hike since I closed the show! Yikes, COD did me good since it got me out hiking and walking more. Now it’s up to me to motivate myself!

Humorist

This one makes me laugh. Was trying to snap a funny photo showing I’m out of hiking shape and got an accidental set of strangling shadow hands!

Bike rider

Mark shows his relaxed attitude by sporting a bike beard. Not shaving is Mark’s idea of a good time!

Lover of the Arts (and Mark)

Mark and I are enjoying our season at the Pantages. I guess I’m adjusting to hip bruises from the historically sized seats.

New, Braver Podcaster

I’m working on a new show called Stories and Voice. This one is 1000 times more scary than COD. Even though I revealed my personal self in COD, I had control of it. I could record when I wanted, ask for input or get people to contribute (Thanks Fionna, Dawny and Stéfanie for contributing so often) but overall, even if EVERY PERSON I ASKED said no, I could release a show based ONLY ON MY PERFORMANCE. So I had a safety net.

This one depends on the kindness of writers, voice actors, and singer/songwriters to thrive. While I will share some of my work, I’m hoping there is a community of creative people who will love to share THEIR voice as much as I do. It is SCARY SCARY SCARY to put this dream out into the universe. I have a lot of hope and I’m hanging my creative heart on my sleeve.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe this one will flop, maybe all the time and effort I’m expending will fail.

But to quote myself,

SO the F*CK What?

If I never try, I WILL FAIL 100%.

If I never take steps toward what seems passionate and creative, I will FAIL TO THRIVE in my heart.

If I’m not willing to RISK SUCCESS, then I will FAIL to leave this earth a little better than I found it.

Because we are all unique. We have unique talents and passions that have nothing to do with our size or how perfect we are. We all have a wonderful voice to share. And sometimes it takes bravely moving along an unknown path to find out, for ourselves, who we are.

xoxoxoxoxoxo