We’re filled with the holiday glow as we get down to the LA River bike path for a quick 15 miles.

First the Good News

• Tiger the Cat’s blood work came back and he’s in good shape. So his health crisis seems to be on the back burner for now. Phew!
• Despite my plantar fasciitis Mark and I are back on track with our bike training for my birthday 50-mile race in March.
• I drove the new truck down to the local park to record the last show and felt happy driving it.

Now the other

In my last show, I read a blog post where I shared my anxiety about having a perfect new truck, and even mentioned in a comment to BC Dave that,

What’s weird, at the same time I hope Mark will get a ding on it, so I can relax.

Well guess what? Right after I drove new beauty home safe and sound, Mark took it out to drive to the hardware store to buy a tool for a project “I asked him to do“, and he got REAR FREAKING ENDED by a distracted driver.

Holy Son of a GUN!

We don’t even have the license plates for this truck yet and it is dinged a plenty.

Oh man, my compulsive, critical mind went into overdrive telling me that this accident was my fault. My responsibility, that I “Wished it” into existence. That “I asked Mark to do the project”. Yada Yada Yada.

That if ONLY I’d kept a constant, vigilant, positive attitude, this accident would NOT HAVE HAPPENED!

Ok BCs, I know in my rational mind, that stuff just happens. That this was an accident, and my wishes and anxiety had nothing to do with this lady’s distraction nor her lack of leaving proper space between vehicles.

Mark was driving safely and he got hit.

He is feeling well so far, so that is a blessing. The truck still runs, so that is a blessing. The distracted driver is actually insured, so that is a blessing.

But this whole incident points out to me how insidious my inner sense of control and responsibility can be. No wonder I’m exhausted but can’t sleep. If my compulsive, perfectionist mind had it’s way, I would be living in a padded house with no corners and the cats would NEVER be out of my vision and I would never dare eat food I didn’t grow and cook my own darn self.

How did this crazy feeling of control develop?

All I know is that it is tied to false safety. Like if I worry enough, I’m keeping everyone safe. Like there is a cosmic bank that adds up my efforts and spits out safety and success. And if either of these are lacking, than it is my fault. I obviously have not controlled events or put enough angst out there to protect us.

Now this is counter to all that’s out there today about maintaining peaceful, positive minds and manifesting good for yourself, your family and the world. This is a nice, positive thought that DRIVES ME CRAZY! Why? Because when crap manifests, obviously, I am not positive enough!

BCs, I am so sorry that Mark’s truck got hit.

But after reading these thoughts, I’m glad it’s shone a light into another nook of my compulsive attitude that needs to be let go of. What you focus on might influence your own behavior, but magic thinking for good or evil, is just another form of Robot Alien.

Positive thinking helps your blood pressure, your attitude, and keeps you smiling. And smiling influences others around you to be positive with you. But it does not keep your truck safe on the road. Defensive driving skills helps there, but even that is no guarantee if a driver is distracted.

So many things outside of our control. So many things we can do to help ourselves lead happier, more meaningful lives. Like the famous prayer in 12 step programs, give me the wisdom to know the difference.

On my way to a holiday party with my voice acting friends.

I may or may not get a show out this week, so I decided to post this quick update.

Fires

We are out of immediate danger for now. All of the evacuation orders near us have been lifted. Fires still burn in Southern California and the Santa Ana winds can blow up out of the blue. So good thoughts, prayers and donations to the Red Cross, most appreciated.

Tiger

By chance I snapped this pic of Tiger before he had his rough night.

Holiday Show

Usually, Mark and I put together a holiday show based around the greetings and items we get from BCs. So if you’d like to participate and have a holiday show for 2017 we need your greetings, stories, songs etc. by midnight Dec. 18, 2017 Pacific Standard Time.

Hope all is well with you and I’ll put together an episode when I can. xoxoxox

This is a quick photo of my hair at its best – colored, professionally blown-out and attached to a rested face. Yet, I’m pretty sure I’m letting it go in the spring. Back to handy short hair that’s easily washed and quick to comb – possibly grey. Why? Read on.

The New Truck

Last show, I pondered greatly and shared my anxiety over the fact the we had to purchase a new truck. You can see photos of this beauty on the show notes of Day 150. It is a big, beautiful truck that handles great, solves a BIG transportation problem, fits BOTH big tall Mark and shorter me really well. Our old truck has served us for years, yet now has become unreliable. We cannot trust ever, that we will return home sans tow-truck. Not a great way to travel. Mark and I are savers and careful with spending. This is a good thing. We had savings ready for a whoppin’ big down payment and our research was ready to make sure our deal fit our finances. So why is my heart still palpitating like we got terrible news?

Dawny commented after last show:

Wowow. What a beautiful truck miss Laurie. Congrats. Uh. I think. The price. Payment. Not so much. I truly feel your pains there. Ugh. Hopefully the rewards you reap help off set that.

This new purchase has so many rewards. It is a great truck. I’m fortunate to afford it. Mark loves it. It has cool features. Way cooler than old, unreliable. But my mind is FIXATED on the negative. It makes me sick to my stomach to see the huge downtick in our savings. It makes me freak out to have monthly payments again – even though I can afford it in my budget and we accounted for that. It makes me sooooo anxious to park it anywhere, because I’m scared of bumping the new finish or having someone open their door on it. Hmmmmmmmmm, sound familiar?

Jo from the UK also commented after last show:

What a beautiful shiny big ol’ truck!!! Enjoy your new purchase as it was required and not a crazy indulgence

Jo is right! We didn’t just take our savings and bet it on a horserace or go on a cruise we couldn’t afford or buy a timeshare we might regret. We purchased a new car – something we haven’t done for over 12 years to relace a car that’s 20 years old.

My main anxiety is that this is a new way of living. I didn’t worry about the old truck (outside of wondering if I’d actually get to my destination). It was already dinged. It was cheap. It was familiar. Many of its controls no longer functioned. But it had been my truck for decades. I know how to drive it. I know how it feels. I know who I am when I’m driving that truck.

Beautiful new truck scares the daylights out of me. I’m sitting higher in the driver’s seat. It has a backup camera (good thing), but I’m not used to cameras yet. It’s longer and wider in the lane. It has a zillion buttons. It starts without a key (I HATE that). I’m used to taking my key out of the ignition and putting it back in my purse or hiking pack and thence to my special key place in my house. I’m a key loser. And a glasses loser. And a phone loser. etc. etc. I have processes, thanks to my compulsive brain, that helps me keep track and fancy new trucks that act weird do not help me!

It’s Not You, It’s Me!

See BCs, it’s not the truck, it’s ME! I like things to stay the same, because I have built up an illusion of safety around the status quo – even when change is the best possible thing.

Hmmmm, my diet and eating behavior was the same for decades too. I knew just what to do with that. Processes were pretty consistent, even if the next diet miracle method might change. I knew how to feel about myself according to the scale. I knew if I’d done well or not by my diet diary. This whole intuitive eating thing terrified me just like this new truck does.

So many people I’ve met have advised me to write a book about my experience with Compulsive Overeating Diary. They think it would be a hopeful and interesting story. But even after all these years and all of the positives from doing this show and meeting all of you online or off, I still cannot wrap my head around my story being a worthwhile read for anyone since I don’t have any answer and I remained at a higher weight than I first thought. I just can’t help feeling like a failure. It is instinctive. It is status quo. It is the way I’m used to thinking about myself.

Now this admission is probably not a surprise to most of you. But it does still make me sad. This doesn’t mean I think I should go on a diet immediately and become thin so I can have a best seller that would be popular and get me a seat on Oprah. It’s more that I’m trying to understand myself. Like the greatness of the new truck’s features, my lessons from Compulsive Overeating Diary and my experience with intuitive eating and learning to eat as naturally as I could, have so many outstanding benefits. I have listed them for you over the years. You’ve seen my growth and my bravery. But sometimes, I just cannot get out of my rut to appreciate them.

Beauty Doesn’t Always Feel Like It’s Within

Another rut I’m facing is my long hair. My hair was always thick and curly, and my only claim to beauty. I grew up in the 60s and 70s where long hair was a great feature to have and valued. Even bullies who made fun of my hips would say nice things about my hair. Long hair also feels like protection. Easy to hide behind. I loved my hair. But when I hit 40, I thought, ‘Hmmm getting to the age where I’ll have enough grey to dye my hair, and I don’t want to dye all of this thick, long, hair.’ So on a whim, I walked into a beauty parlor off the street and said, ‘cut it.’

It was a terrible haircut that day, and I cried. Luckily, my hair grows fast, so I soon got something more stylish and kept my hair short for years after that. It was much more convenient for washing – especially after bike riding and working out like a fiend in the gym. I felt like I was masquerading as a grown-up too. My long hair was my younger self. Not for middle aged me.

Then came my bike accident. Boy howdy, talk about status-quo change! Couldn’t speak, think, process, figure stuff out. Couldn’t exercise for months. Months of seeing doctors of every type. Off work, then completely retired from work at friggin’ 52 years of age. Blink of an eye, I’m completely different – except…

During this time, my hair grew out.

It was comforting. It was familiar. And it wasn’t as grey as I feared – at least at first. I thought it would be fun to experience my long hair one more time. One more time that turned into several years.

And it is a royal pain to take care of! LOL. My beauty is my bane. It’s like my familiar old truck that’s great, except it doesn’t get you where you need to be. Or my old familiar diet plans, that are great, except they lead me down some compulsive roads that aren’t worth it to me.

My long hair can be very beautiful. After hundreds of dollars and hours of time. And once upon a time, the veil of beauty and comfort it gave me was so very worth it. Once upon a time, I knew who I was on my diet in my old truck and waving my braid around. Today I’m contemplating a new style as I drive my new steed to the mountain to talk about my feelings instead of heading for the chips.

Maybe someday, I’ll have that book showing me with short hair and smiling because the best ending of all would be me, at peace with the status quo of change.