I decide trying on pants is the lesser of two evils today
EARLY! Woke up 4am, tossing and turning. Weird anxiety dreams of weight piling on. Panic! Thought about lugging ladder to the garage to find my old nemesis, the scale, for:
- Reassurance?
- Punishment for eating intuitively instead of on a calorie or food restriction diet of some kind?
- a Miracle? You know, where you eat a bunch but your weight goes down – MAYBE that could happen – sigh
But I decided my old nemesis would not help and wondered why I’m feeling this way?
Pondered and realized I feel puffy. Puffiness and I are old friends. It usually means:
- Could be weight gain (yikes, my challenge is that I need to be ok with this one right now in my journey to learn to eat without bingeing)
- TOO MUCH SALT – I’m a big water retainer, always have been, despite my excellent blood pressure.
- Heat – I react to heat by retaining water – no doubt because of the extra sweating.
- Injury – the body can become puffy while healing trauma areas.
So let’s think about these, and rank the possibilities
- Before I gave up the scale I weighed the same for over 2 months. Have I changed my eating significantly since then? No. Have I changed my exercise? Yes. Much less since bike crash 1 week ago.
- Eating Salty things lately? Yes, had Mexican dinner with Mark on Monday.
- Weather lately? Hot as bejesus!
- Injury? Yes, Chest and knee still painfully bruised and feeling tender.
Post where I tell about the accident
Post where if you CHOOSE you can view the damage to my poor body parts
I think my puffiness is firstly caused by the dinner, then the heat and injury combined with lesser amount of exercise (this also increases my stress hormones).
Next step, how can I know if I AM actually putting on fat without weighing. (Again, I’m not supposed to care right now, but I can’t help myself).
I usually wear the size 20W jeans I bought at the start of doing this show after I gained the 23 extra pounds. They fit comfortably, and a bit loosely. Even these have felt more snug in the tummy. So I face my fear and drag out my 18W jeans. They had fit and zipped a few months ago, but not as comfy as my 20W. I figured if they don’t zip, I’ll know I’m up a bit in weight. (Even though I’m not supposed to care about that – my controlling mind WANTS TO KNOW)
Voila! They fit. They zip. I can sit in them. In fact I’m writing this post RIGHT NOW wearing them and have been sitting for awhile.
So of course I feel better. But the real question is the anxiety I felt. Part of my journey is letting go of self-judgement in the critical sense. Of allowing my body to dictate its hunger and fullness. Allowing the diet rebound to happen if need be on the way to balance.
This is a true BRAVERY REPORT shot. I dare to look AND snap the photo of myself from the back. The hips and top of thighs are my most feared and in the past, hated area of my body. For me to look objectively and not spew self-hatrid and damaging talk is very difficult. But I am a true Rubenesque body type of woman.
Rubens’ Venus at a Mirror
Am I TRULY at peace with my shape yet? No. I still struggle, but I can see the resemblence to the figure Sir Peter Paul Rubens loved to paint. Who am I to argue with art?
I am form and curves and cuddly lush love wrapped in skin and bones, but of these, the only thing that doesn’t change with time and chance is the love. No scale can measure that. – Laurie, July 30, 2014
Sooooooo awesome Laurie. For one really looking into the options and ‘WEIGHING’ (lol) in on the reality. And yahoooo. WEIGH to go!! On the smaller jeans!!! Your my SHE-ro. Just sayin. Thanks for sharing this. You make me smile.
That is soooo cute!
Thanks Dawny!
🙂
xoxoxoxox
Actually Ruben’s painting brings up a good point. It’s only been recently in history that looking like Twiggy was the sought-after body model. For centuries before a woman was not seen as needing to lose weight (though, of course some were), but voluptuous with all their curves. The reason for that isn’t a mystery. The upper classes were the ones who could afford to eat! Funny that it had to do with food. But apart from that, that womanly image was always considered beautiful.
When I read articles on the internet or in magazines these days, I sometimes feel like I’m seeing a shift away from Twiggy and back toward it being great that women look like women with curves. Could be the pendulum is starting to swing back to middle ground. (Could be my imagination for that matter! LOL) But it’s so awesome that you’re doing your bit to give it a shove in the other direction. As we’ve mentioned so often, I think your podcast came along at just the right time. May it be blessed!
I’ve seen a change in the wind as well. I hope this show IS part of the global movement allowing us all to be who we are vs. being judged for being too big OR too thin. Body image needn’t remain our self image. I used to cringe when people said I was Rubenesque, but now I am happy as I think it is accurate for my body type AND it means “plump or rounded usually in a pleasing or attractive way” according to the dictionary.
Congratulations on being so brave, taking a backwards butt shot! Goodness knows where the anxiety comes from, our brains are a mystery but you tried to work through your processes and seemed to find a logical explanation why you would be ‘up’ in weight, if indeed you were. Fab that you aren’t 🙂 . You look damn good. And the fact that you can zip up and comfortably wear size 18W jeans means that whatever you are doing is working for you. Hope your anxiety lessened as the day went on.
LOL! This sums it up all right!
I don’t know if I HAVE a bravery report long enough to record the bravery required for this one! 😉
Yes, after I talked it through, I realize I’m more scared about the up-coming in person support group I’m starting up in conjunction with a local organization. I can do fine long distance, but up close? In a group? What if I talk too much? What if NO ONE comes? What if I SUCK??? This is the anxiety really. And my brain is used to flipping out that way with weight gain, therefore, I MUST BE FAT! Get it? I feel fat means I don’t feel confident, happy, carefree, joyous. And yet, I have been all of those things at this weight and more! It’s a lesson. With me, fat isn’t fat. It’s something else. Thanks for posting and making me laugh!
Hi laurie, I am still listening and enjoying your podcasts, you look great in the pic !!
Michelle
Michelle! How super exciting to hear from you! Thanks for the compliment. I’m still a bit tough on myself (the topic of DAY 67 that I’m publishing in a few minutes). How’s it going with you? I think of you often!