Tag Archives: feeling fat

Feeling Fat and Other Binge Triggers

Laurie on the couch with Tiger, a ginger cat, on her tummy and Gracie a tabby cat, is on a high cat perch.
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Mark snaps this pic of me relaxing with our furry family. Gracie, the tabby on the perch is the mama of Tiger, the ginger cat perching on my tummy. How does this peaceful scene contribute to feeling fat?

Feeling Fat is my River of Death

Actually, I love the photo above that Mark took of me and my beloved cats. It is an excellent photo of them, and not at all bad of me, considering I am prone in the double chin emphasizing position and had no time to wiggle myself into anything more flattering. As I discussed last blog post in, Half a chocolate and other Christmas Miracles! where I share my inner and outer distress at the ‘candid full body shots’ at the santa house by the slender samaritan (bitch), I am not feeling very good in my body at the moment, i.e., I feel FAT.

This feeling is not helped one iota by the January onslaught of diet center ads, FB resolution pages and our societal obsession with us all ‘getting back on track’ to rid ourselves of holiday poundage like a bunch of lemmings headed over the calorie-counting, carb-eliminating, boot-camp challenging cliff. And moi? I’m USED to the siren call of January. It’s in my blood like the salmon returning home to spawn – no matter that it’s against the current for the salmon AND they get to DIE after doing their genetic duty. They can’t HELP IT! It’s their instinctive programming. Their nature.

My nature is to feel fat, feel bad, feel that ‘getting back on track’ and THIS TIME shaping my out of control ass and thighs into buns of steel and a bass to be about is 100% in my habitual DNA. It’s one thing to sip tea and nibble French butter cookies when your pants zip easily. Oh brother, is it 1000 time harder when those pants feel tight.

Bike Fat

Two days ago Mark and I decided to do hill work on the bike and ride from the Pasadena Rosebowl to Descanso Gardens and back. It was a cold day. So, I got the bone-headed idea to try and wiggle into my cold-weather bike tights. Now, bike-tights are SUPPOSED to be tight and compress you, like panty hose on steroids. And I’m shocked and amazed that I managed to get them over my rear and tummy with multiple prayers and gatherings of fabric from the ankles with the torturous pinch and pull technique to move said fabric higher. Finally, well ensconced and walking like a sausage out into the weather. I came to a screeeeeeching halt. “Crap!”

“What’s wrong honey?”

“It’s not even f-ing cold enough to wear these ^%#$%@%$@$% tights, now, not ONLY am a gd sausage, I’m doing to sweat like an f-ing pig!” (Hope no kids were around to hear the state of my language rage).

I was frustrated. Pulling on bike tights when you are up several pounds is not conducive to feeling good in your body.

Mark has a solution.

“Why don’t you change clothes?”

Hmm. Why not change clothes? Why hadn’t that occurred to me?

Because gosh darn it, it had taken FOREVER TO SQUEEZE INTO THESE! Have you ever stuck with a bad idea because of all of the energy you’ve already thrown into it? This was an example of this.

“You’re right!”

Off to change into bike pants that fit and a fun, sunny ride.

Laurie and Mark in bike gear in front of the Descanso Gardens sign

Hooray! We made it up the hills and inclines to Descanso. Now it’s downhill from here baby!

SCREW YOU FEELING FAT!

Yesterday, I woke up, checked in with myself and despite the great bike ride of the day before, STILL FELT FAT! I distracted myself with the computer, then saw several diet center ads in my FB stream and plus size offers from Macy’s in my inbox. ARRRGGGHHHHH! Then several friends announced new diets, complete with scale information and other diet mentality triggers for me. OMG, will January NEVER END!? Er Laurie, it’s only the first days of January.

Ok, Ok, I got this. I got this. I’ll go on a SCREW YOU FEELING FAT WALK down to the park. I won’t worry about miles, speed, calories burned, anything. I’ll take the time to savor what I see and the experience. I’ll put it on Instagram.

And I did have a great walk! Here are some samples of my IG adventures.

Laurie sniffs a half peeled mandarin orange under an oak tree in the park

I stop to smell the ‘tangerines’.

Laurie points to a tree in the distance in the park

I’m pointing to the tree in the distance where you can barely see a rock. That is the podcast rock away from the main trail that I usually record from when I’m not talking while walking in the park.

back trail in the park. Blue skies with full round sun seen behind trees

The sun shines brightly on the back trail

And if you want to see the entire walk, check out my Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

OLD FRENEMIES Come to Call

Alien Robots are attacking me with bags of chips

Robot Aliens are what I call my binge behavior

Oh my Lordy, I went most of the day feeling fine in my slightly tighter jeans, but I just didn’t feel well about myself. I felt the familiar FAT is BAD, you are FAT hence YOU are BAD feelings that I am used to, but I also felt something more. I felt alone. I felt left out. Not invited to the calorie-counting lemming party. I couldn’t post my scale numbers, my after photos, my wonderful progress with my shiny new January diet. I was there in my newly too-tight pants, eating vegan and wondering, “What the hell am I doing?”

Who the heck would care about what I’m going through? Now, brave companions, pretty darn ironic, since YOU CARE and have proven over and over that you do, but some snits have NOTHING to do with logic or reality. This snit ran deep into that lonely little girl territory. All of those years where I wasn’t cool, not invited, and if I was invited, the butt of jokes and pranks. Feeling left out and different from the herd is terrifying. If I would just go on a diet, I could feel ok. Not because of my size, but because I would fit into the behavior of the crowd. I would be one with the January lemmings as usual. But I CAN’T go on a diet. I’m Intuitive Eating. I know diets aren’t for me. Hear the trigger BCs? I CAN’T go on a diet. So what does my rebel lonely subconscious do? It calls in the Robot Aliens. If a binge can’t convince her she needs to diet, what will? I binged to convince myself to belong. It was too scary not.

Salmon anyone?

I’ve always been a salmon, I even wrote a pretty great blog post that nobody much read on Daily Adventure Tales, called What’s it Like to be in the Water?. Take a read if you have a moment.

But all of these themes are coming to mind. Alone. Separate. Nobody cares. These are some of my deeper reasons for compulsive eating. Stay safely alone – fat. Be part of the crowd – fat. Worry about something other than emotional pain – fat.

This time I won’t be a salmon or a lemming. I’ll take each day as it comes. And if I CHOOSE to diet I will. If I CHOOSE not to diet I won’t. If I CHOOSE to eat meat I will. If I CHOOSE to forgo some treat I will. I’m not going to tell myself CAN’T anymore. I can take it. I can make decisions. I can change my mind. I can change my outlook. I can change the quality of my life.

*No salmon or lemmings were harmed during the writing of this blog post.

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Ep 0096 – Bonus – Disappointment isn’t Devastation

Laurie in a red hiking scarf in a grassy area on the trail with trees behind
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At the next to upper Zen place on New Year’s Eve Eve, I tried to replicate my selfie logo shot since I was wearing the same scarf, but couldn’t quite get it. Guess that was a one time happy accident.

Podcast Recap

From the mountain top on New Year’s Eve Eve I ponder the difference between disappointment and devastation. Stats about the blog. Who were the top 5 posters? Which episodes or posts were the most viewed? How many sold out shows of the Sydney Opera house would be equivalent to the total views of CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com in 2014? Sue from the U.K. goes on the bravery report by telling us in her own voice about a special Christmas service she attended. BC Fionna’s latest entry about the coming year on her own blog, Fionna Sings, is featured. More about where you can post on CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com. My watershed moments with self awareness, fun and feeling unexpectedly fat during Mark and my holiday in the Danish town of Solvang in California wine country. Supportive comments by Fionna, Dawny and Cheryl. A surprising comment from my therapist.

Cloudy grey skies above the mountain side. A lone tree in foreground.

The clouds rolled in as the temperature dropped.

A web of bare branches against a grey sky

I thought these rare bare branches in Southern California made an interesting photo.

Mentioned

Top 5 viewed posts of 2014

  1. Assorted Photos from Laurie’s Weight Story
  2. Trusting the Mirror, Photos or Your Heart?
  3. Ep 0068 – Depression and Always Feeling Responsible. I’ll Miss You Robin Williams
  4. Ep 0004 – Pathetic or not, here I come!
  5. Ep 0080 – Bonus – Support Group Details and Help! Crazy Fears!

Good places to post on CompulsiveOvereatingDiary.com

  1. Who are the brave companions? Tell your story
  2. The Bravery Report Post here as many times as you wish whenever you feel you did something brave. Also, you can find PDF rewards for bravery and for listening to all of the episodes.
  3. Advice Wanted – post here when you WANT feedback and advice on your situation
  4. Episode Index – find the day you want to post on of the podcast
  5. Blog Post Index – find blog posts to comment on

The excellent show notes and blog that NOBODY ever visits, at DailyAdventureTales.com

The Holiday Extravaganza Episode

BC Fionna’s Blog post about the coming year

My Christmas Intuitive Eating blog post

Fionna’s supportive comment on my Christmas adventure

Dawny’s comment

Cheryl’s comment

My response to Cheryl

Intuitive Eating Book on Amazon – please use the links below

Intuitive Eating

Ways to support the show financially

Want to have Fun Being Foolish too?

Participate in our new feature called “Foolish Fun“. Just call the bravery hotline 206-350-6445 or check out the send audio page on https://www.compulsiveovereatingdiary.com/how-to-send-audio/
And tell us a joke, riddle, a silly story, limerick, sing a song, play a kazoo, ANYTHING but talk about compulsive eating. This is the feature where messing up is just part of the act! No names required and Silly Aliases are AOK! Need ideas? See Day 54’s Resource of the Day for my page of ToonaCat Jokes

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

My Second Twitter Account JUST for bravery sayings @TheBraveryCoach

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver
Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day

Continue reading →

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Half a chocolate and other Christmas Miracles!

Coffee cup and half of a chocolate on a table
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It’s a Christmas Eve Miracle! I only ate half of this chocolate, and I even like it. It was just that one bite was enough.

A Different Kind of Christmas

This my dears, is the true Christmas story of Laurie, Mark, and the impact of Intuititve Eating. Mark and I made a different kind of Christmas for ourselves this year. No family or friends were on our horizon, so we decided to turn our solitude into an adventure opportunity. We took off in our convertible up the coast to the Danish town of Solvang. Here’s just one of the incredible views we saw on the way.

Sunset by the coast.

One of the many beautiful vistas we saw driving up to Solvang.

As you can see from the very first photo in this story, I had some amazing Intuititve Eating success and progress. I also had some challenges. Intutitive Eating for me is more than about how much food I eat. It’s also about accepting myself with kindness and love, and making decisions that allow me to have the most authentic and relationship-primary life I can. What a weird phrase I just coined, ‘Relationship-primary’. But it IS one of my goals, because frankly, my food and my body concerns have been my top concern over everything and everybody else for most of my life. That’s what disordered eating is. Just like any addiction, not only does it mess with you with physical consequences, it messes with your life in the form of off-kilter choices in how you deal with people and events.

A Dawn of a New Day

Dawn streaked clouds in blue sky

Amazing dawn greets me from the terrace of our room. I get to have coffee with this view.


This amazing photo was taken at the same time as I ate half of a chocolate, the dawn of Christmas Eve. A wonderful chance gave us one of the few rooms in this hotel that has a terrace outside of its sliding door. I took advantage to relax and take in my surroundings. To observe the beauty of nature, somewhat privately, yet hearing the hotel-piped Christmas music is a relaxing and gratitude inducing experience. At this moment, all was right with my world.

The Good

When I went down to get my coffee, I was greeted with a winter wonderland and an explosion of holiday decorations. I LOVED it. I felt festive and happy.

Laurie in front of the character, Olaf from Frozen

Olaf and I have a tender moment. The hotel has a whole area dedicated to photo ops from the movie, Frozen. Fun to watch the kids get excited here.

Another fun thing I love here is the chance to play ‘Bad Cats’ – my favorite pinball machine. It brings me back to my youth when there was no digital anything. When cameras had film, phone had cords, and teen hangouts had pinball wizards. Sadly, I wasn’t a wizard, but I LOVED to play. Pinball takes me outside of my body and all concentration is on those buzzers and bells. The machines are physical in how you gain feedback in a way video games are not. I love to play pinball. Mark and I had fun taking turns and laughing as much when we quickly lost our ball as when we made all of the buzzers sound and heard the exciting cry of ‘Bad Cats’.

Laurie in front of pinball machine - Bad Cats

One of my favorite things to do at this property. They have old style pinball – Bad Cats! It meows, hisses and makes me laugh.

Solvang – More Good – Mostly

Horse drawn trolley with Belgium Draft horses

Mark wants to go on the horse trolley tour of the Danish style town of Solvang. We did, it was awesome!

Solvang is a Danish style town up in the wine country of Santa Ynez. It was depicted well in the male-mid-life-crisis-buddy picture, Sideways. Mark and I in fact, ate dinner the night before Christmas Eve at the Hitching Post, the restaurant featured in Sideways. Delish! We ate for hours, drank a fine pinot, and I had no feeling of fear or of being overstuffed. I ate just enough for me and enjoyed it throughly. It was a good memory and enjoying our meal and each other was the focus of our night. Relationship-Primary Success!

Next day, at Solvang, Mark broke character and bought me a Christmas gift. This is what he used to do early in our marriage. But because we are such savers, we haven’t done something like this for a long time. Usually, we just window shop, if at all, not wanting more stuff to clean or to spend our money unwisely. We tend to go for exerience over things. But this cat pin feels like both. More of a souvenir of a great day, proof of Mark’s thoughtful knowlege of what I like, and a trinket I can hold rather than just another dust collector.

Close up of a gold cat pin with blue shell in center

Mark picked out and bought me this stylish cat pin in Solvang. I LOVE when he finds me gifts – we don’t do this as much as we used to, being retired and having tons of stuff. But this was special.

We also laughed and drank at the beer garden some dunkel bier (dark beer) in memory of my dad, who would have LOVED to be in a beer garden – not because he ever drank much (I inherit my low tolerance from him) but because of his love of all things German.

Laurie seated across a table raises a small beer with a huge glass of beer in the foreground

Mark enjoyed the contrast between my small and his large beer at the beer garden.

The Bad

As you can imagine from our ‘horsing around’, trinket shopping and beer garden adventures, we were feeling very jolly. We danced in a gazebo in a park and spied a Santa House and chair. We laughed and decided to grab a ‘Santa Selfie’ for fun. Enter the samaritan who insists on taking our photo for us to ‘include’ everything.

All of a sudden I’m not having fun. I’m feeling anxious, puffy, fat, out of control and this slender, kind, woman (bitch) is taking forever to snap many full body shots of a scene I don’t want to see. In it, I look strained, because I am not SITTING on Mark’s lap, I am perching holding my own weight. We thought our selfie to take 3 seconds. This went on and on and on. Again, she was being kind, and wanted a photo of hersef in return.

Here’s the evil (in my mind) result.

Laurie sites on Mark's lap at the Santa house

I’m being brave here. A lady took this photo, and not being prepared, I now get the chance to see what we look like at this angle. Normally, I’d discard or crop this result. But it was such a fun moment, I’m learning to accept ALL of myself, unflattering angles or not.

Between my murderous rage, and the maturity to write the miraculous caption above for the Santa photo, much went down.

Feeling Ugly

After the none-too-soon exit of the kind photo snapping stranger, Mark reviewed the photos on his phone and stealed himself for the question, he knew was coming.

‘Honey, is this a bad picture or do I look this way?’

‘Er…uh…Sorry, Hon, you look this way.’

‘WHAT?! When did THAT happen?’

‘Er I think with all of our going out and all…”

‘WHEN!’

‘I think you’ve been puting on some weight the last 3 weeks’ (This was said all in a rush).

I collapse in a puddle of tears, embarrassment and disgrace.I’m speechless with self-deceit, disappointment in my size, and remorse for my ‘food sin’ that obviously got me to this state of woe but WORSE is that I feel these painful emoitions. Aren’t I doing well with Intuitive Eating? Aren’t I self-accepting? How the hell have I been wearing the same size and putting on 10 pounds at least? How? How? HOW? And HOW COME I FEEL THESE OLD SHAME FEELINGS ON CHRISTMAS!

More Miracles

Now as we have discussed many times, Mark is wonderful, but emotional discusions are not his strong suit. This time, he simply held me and let me cry. His shirt was soaked, he kissed my hair – he NEVER kisses my hair, and said, we’ve been eating out a lot. We haven’t been exercising as much, and you are still you – remember?

Still me?

He’s right! It’s ok to feel all of my feelings. I DID feel all of those bad feelings. I didn’t ask for more beer, or chocolate, or pastry. I cried on Mark’s shirt.

We went on to celebrate our hotel Christmas Eve with a music box we fell in love with.

Then on Christmas we caught a movie

Laurie by Into the Woods movie poster

Me by the Into the Woods movie poster. We saw the first show on Christmas Day.

Mark decided to be a photographer all day to take photos that celebrate how much fun I have and how good it feels to be me, no matter what I weigh.

Laurie in a red convertible with bikes leaned against it

Mark thought it woud be cute to show me in our red car with our red bikes in my red helmut. I’m ALWAYS happy in my car.

Then a Christmas bike ride – Mark made the effort to show me how strong I am.

Finally, back to the hotel after a long day of fun, hugs and feeling glad to be me.

Laurie leans on a white bridge with characters from Frozen and white Christmas trees in the background

I’m feeling like a princess in the photo place where you can meet up with Elsa, Olaf and other characters from Frozen. Mark has been MY prince this day.

Intutitive Eating

Intuitive Eating for me is a way to connect with my body and my feelings. It isn’t a magic pill. It doesn’t guarentee to make you thinner. It doesn’t wipe out all of the negative thought patterns built up over a life time. But my practice of it, did lead to true communication with my husband, true looks at myself, inside and out, and a true appreciation for all of my life, body, mind and soul. If that’s not a Christmas miracle, what is? Hope your holidays were wonderful BCs, but if you had some struggles, feel free to share. I understand.

If you would like to see more photos and videos of our trip, check me out on Instagram at LaurieDreamWeaver and look for the hashtag #ChristmasInCalifornia
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Scaling back on Feel Fat Triggers

Laurie in a red biking scarf with Mark in a purple Hawaiian shirt in a restaurant with Mark's arm around Laurie.
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Mark and I had the BEST sunset dinner last night. It was So delicious and leisurely and the opposite of compulsive.

I’ve Been Feeling Fat Lately

Sigh, the bane of any self-respecting, body-accepting, intuitive-eating, adventurer is the common gotcha bug that can bite at ANY TIME aka as ‘FEELING FAT’. What the hell IS feeling fat anyway? As we all know, fat ISN’T a true emotional feeling like joy, sorrow, anger etc. Fat is a thing. It’s part of our bodies. Can’t have too little, we need some, and it’s debatable exactly how much is too much. So If I look at my hefty-size thigh, WHICH fat cells are the evil bastards, and which are the good, protective soldiers, hmmm?

Can’t tell. Can’t circle with a marker and declare THIS ONE MUST GO – due to any attribute other than quantity. Now, I do know that there actually are different types of fat on our bodies, some more beneficial medically, so I’m not debating that – but truly, where is that magic line that says, “You fat cell, are good” – “You fat cell are evil and shameful”?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t know of it. It’s like culling the herd, or thinning young oranges off of a tree so the others can grow. The fat cells have done nothing more than exist in too many numbers. Some of the numbers may or may not impact health. Some numbers definately impact our “societal worth”, dang it, but overall, there is NO DIFFERENCE. It’s the luck of the draw which fat cells are protective and which push us into despair.

Laurie and Mark in front of the Wicked Marquee at the Pantages

LOVED seeing Wicked at the Pantages Theatre with Mark – Hate the Chairs there.

Trigger 1 – Chairs

Now depending on your body type, booths or chairs may trigger ‘Feeling Fat’. Mark is an apple shape, so he is more concerned with tummy fitting under the table in a booth. I am a pear, so I am more concerned with my behind and thighs fitting into chairs with arms. To be squeezed into either scenario can set off a firestorm of shame and feeling like a monster. A monster who “does not fit in”. Those with society approved, ‘normal’ sized bodies cannot fathom the shame that occurs when you get the glare from those seated next to you in coach class in the air or at the movies when your parts encroach on their space. Now actually, most modern movie and theatrical venues do have bigger seats – some will argue, AWFUL PROOF OF OBESITY EPIDEMIC. But I say, it is about time that we can fit. I don’t mind paying more. In fact, I remember fitting into coach pretty well even at a bigger size than I am today, before low fare, barebones, Southwest airlines began a fare war with all airlines resulting in cost cutting measures including the elimination of decent meals on flights and stuffing as many seats into the plane as possible to maximize profit making seats narrower and leg room less. I won’t even begin to discuss here how horrendously Southwest treats what they call “Oversize” guests either. The embarrassment and shame of it all. I tell you frankly I fly business or first class or I don’t fly. Why? To be elitist? No! To fit in the GD seat! To purchase two coach seats STILL causes me to be squeezed in a vice that leaves bruises on my legs. It only relieves me of the glare of the aforementioned co-sitter who might have to be subjected to my size. Now I’ve told you frankly I weigh around 200-215 pounds at best guess, and I wear 18W pants. This is bigger than the national average. But I have PLENTY OF COMPANY. Mark, btw can fly in coach as his tummy can fit in front of him. He just has trouble if he wants to lower the flight table. And he has NO ROOM for his legs as he is 6’2″. ARGH! Not fitting physically in is psychologically triggering to self-blame.

Same thing with clothes. When our clothes feel tight, we are prone to feeling despair and shame. Wear a size that fits, you’ll feel better.

Anyway, the Pantages is a historical theater with the worlds smallest, least legroom available seats I have EVER squeezed into at any size. I saw the Lion King there when I was thin, and STILL felt squeezed. Today with my glorious curves abounding, it is hell. I LOVE the shows, HATE the chairs, and when this season ticket is over, I won’t go back. I’m over it, truly.

Trigger 2 – Facing the Dr. and the Scale.

I had my annual check-up the other day and as those of you who read my status updates on FB know, I got myself in a huge tizzy of fear and self-loathing over it. I usually diet like mad for the month before the Dr. visit, trying to undo ALL of my compulsive bingeing, AND I get weighed right before so I can tell the nurse a HIGHER number than I know that I am in order to deflect from my actual weight. They always say, “Oh no, you ONLY weigh 285 NOT 315! or some such nonsense”.

This year, as those of you who follow this blog and podcast know, I have no frickin’ clue what I weigh. I don’t know how I compare to last year. I don’t know anything. I couldn’t tell the nurse some number, because it might be less, and she’s have to announce, “sorry, you’re MORE than that”.

Hear all of this angst? I’m right back into diet mentality and shame and feeling “less than as a person” because my possible scale number might prove me unworthy.

Besides that I don’t WANT to know my scale number. I am doing well maintaining my size without weighing. A number is a trigger for me. But I was scared to ask for what I wanted.

Laurie 1 – Scale 0

So I buckled on my spine and passed through a big victory for me.

It’s been over 150 days since I packed up my own scale and put it on the highest shelf in the garage, so I don’t know my weight at all for the first time since I was 6 years old.

However, since I gave up weighing and have been working the principles of IE I’ve been wearing the same size clothing and so know my actual weight hasn’t changed much.

I have been very heavy AND normal sized, but due to my issues with dieting/bingeing, my weight was always in flux, always swinging wildly up and down the scale by 30-40 pounds, usually several times in any one year. So I’m not even sure what I weighed last year. If I had lost, gained or stayed the same.

Determined not to know any number that would derail my progress, I told the nurse, I don’t weigh myself or want to know my weight number anymore. So while you can weigh me for proper medication, I don’t want you to tell me or have the Dr. tell me the actual number.

This was such a big deal in my head, but it wasn’t anything but neutral to the nurse. She has obviously had this request enough to have a process, and just had me weigh with my back to the scale bars, and she slid the bars back to zero before having me step off, and noted my chart. My Dr. never mentioned my weight, just went over which tests we were doing etc. We talked about other health related topics, and how long until the blood test results would be in etc.

I can’t believe I built this up so strongly as fear in my head. It shows how entrenched my shame and diet mentality is and how tied I still am to what a number can say. I’m so happy I spoke up and got what I needed today.– to NOT know what that number is. Someday I might want or need to know, but not today. Today I took care of myself and that feels awesome.

Laurie looks peaceful as she holds Tiger

Ahh, sweet comfort of Tiger my cuddly cat who doesn’t give a fig about the size of his cat-mama. In fact to him, more to knead and cuddle is a benefit.

Scales Suck, I Rock, and I’m Going to think on Tiger in Future

My cat Tiger doesn’t care what I weigh. He cares that I love him, spend time him, pet him, brush him, cuddle him and tell him he’s special. Mark doesn’t care what I weigh. He cares that I love him, spend time him, pet him, brush him, cuddle him and tell him he’s special. The BCs don’t care what I weigh when I podcast. They care that I love them, spend time with them, have pet names for them, brush away their fears, cuddle them with my voice and tell them they’re special. I’m going to tell MYSELF that too. Laurie, what makes you special is NOT your body – except in that it holds your brain and heart.

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Trusting the Mirror, Photos or Your Heart?

Laurie in sports bra and yoga pants in the mirror
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I’m pondering how my mirror image makes me feel. How much is real and how much comes from our own self-image?

Comments on Day 85 from Stéfanie and Cheryl really make think about my self-image

Stéfanie writes … I just had an ah ha moment. I never thought that some people could prefer not getting ANY kind of feedback about their weight loss. I never thought that because I am the complete opposite. I litteraly CRAVE the comments. To me, they are the best of rewards. So, thanks for making me aware and sensitive to this.
It made me realize once again that I need to shed this obsessive need for other people’s approval. Why do I crave this feedback so much? It’s not just with weightloss, it’s all over my life. My older lady friends and family say I will grow out of it as I get older. That what other people think of you gets less and less important. If it’s so, then, I’m eager to age

Cheryl writes – I think that’s sort of true for me. I’m 63, and the older I’ve gotten the less I’ve cared what strangers and acquaintances think about me. It does feel different with good friends and family, though. Maybe there’s always that need for their approval. The weight loss issue is really one of those “hot button” issues for me. My mind doesn’t grasp the positive in a compliment, it goes right to the reverse — so did I look that bad before?…

Part of what I write – Hi there dear, Stéfanie! Rachel posted to me on Day 58 just the other day that I shouldn’t apologize for asking for feedback as

  • According to Transactional Analysis we need positive strokes to help us ‘open the heart’. Stroke starvation can lead to physical, emotional and physical illness according to Claude Steiner.

And I think there is a lot of truth to that. I know myself, I grew up pretty much believing I was not good enough in any way, or if I WAS good, I ought not mention it, or make any fuss about it. This led to an emotional starvation that was partially at the root of my stuffing myself with food to soothe these needs. It’s not the only reason, for sure, but a big part. So for example, if Diane the Champion was doing another Body for Life course and I KNEW she was working hard to shed fat and build muscle and I saw her progressing, FOR SURE I would mention it. It is very hard work. And I think when I was in Weight Watchers I LOVED when my WW friends mentioned my progress too. But lately, I’ve been thinking about “Why is it ALWAYS a good thing to have lost weight?” Since my body type is not slender, and I come from endomorph stock on both sides of my family, we were taller, stockier and fatter. I don’t mean in the sit around eating all day fatter, I mean our bodies, from every photo I’ve ever seen, had more fat over the muscle than in other families. AND both sides of my family were physically hard workers. Farmers, laborers etc. This is a legitimate body to have. Just one of the rainbow of possible body types. So why am I so happy when I lose weight, or when people notice? Because for ME (and I’m talking only me here) it means I’m FINALLY one of the rest. I FINALLY fit in (chairs and emotionally).

Trouble is, that’s not who I am. It’s like dying my grey hair. I do it, but I really have greying hair. So when people compliment my hair, I also get a little cringe as I know this is my stylist they are complimenting and I feel a bit of deceit. But is it? Almost nobody my age has hair free from grey. Almost everybody in my area dyes their hair as in LA, youth is valued. It makes you listened to at work more. It’s just like when I lost all the weight and people started to respect me more. Really? My brains were non-active under fat? Really? My ideas and heart didn’t function? That was my anger about weight loss. That people only accepted the thinner package and it hurt to know that. Then I regained some, and noticed the opposite. Most didn’t say, “Wow, you’ve gained some weight!” but as they sure had mentioned it on the way down, I know they noticed on the way up. And as I said before, the more I weighed, the less I fit in.

Until now. Now some chairs are still a struggle, but *I* feel I fit in and my size isn’t as relevant. I still hope my body stabilizes at a lesser weight, because functionally, I don’t feel optimum yet. And I have flashes of familiar shame, as I told on Day 85 about my well-intentioned friend.

Laurie in the dressing room wearing slacks and printed top

This is the flattering photo my friend saw on FB and posted to me that I look thinner.

My friend intended to celebrate with what she thought was progress on my goal. Why wouldn’t she? Weight loss has ALWAYS been my goal, for as long as she’s known me. When I started this show and I tried to explain what I was doing, she literally could not understand any of it other than I wanted to lose weight. Then she said,”Oh you want to eat HEALTHIER”, I said, “Not really”. THAT one floored her. It makes no sense to state your goal is not to eat healthier. Well, I do, but not in the way she meant. I want to emotionally eat healthier. I do value my health, but without my emotional strength and health first, the rest is like frosting on a cardboard cake. My friend is not an emotional eater, so she cannot process my weird statements. So when she saw my photo, she said what she did to connect with me and celebrate me. My reaction is on me. Long story here, friend, Stéfanie, No? Short story. Celebrate yourself and others, and let the intention be your guide xoxoxoxoxoxox

Do you trust photos, the mirror, or your heart?


Now, Brave Companions, I am the same size in both of the photos on this blog post. The top photo in my yoga outfit was taken at home in my bathroom, and the legs are cut off since my mirror is not full length. This tends to focus on my hated trouble spot. The clothing in the dressing room photo still fits the same as when that photo was taken. Note, I’m turning at a flattering angel to snap my photo in the dressing room. Also, those slim fit slacks hold my tummy in a bit better than my comfy old yoga clothing. The dressing room photo made me feel REALLY good about myself, the yoga photo not so much.

Why? I am the same size.

  1. Even though we have an actual size, our brains interpret data though our own world view. So one woman’s size in a particular time in history and culture may be considered pleasing, and in another, horrific (yes, I know Suz, one of THOSE drastic vocabulary words).
  2. What is our social norm at my place in time? Despite mighty ongoing social media driven efforts for body acceptance, big breasted, thin and young seem to be our optimal beauty standard where I live.
  3. So it would seem that the flattering photo is closer to that beauty norm. But even so, I’m not any of those physical things.
  4. My inner view also colors my lens of acceptance. I had a GREAT day when I snapped the dressing room pic.
  5. The last week has been a bit tough on me. I’ve been over tired, feeling blue, and wondering if this show still serves a purpose for me or you? So many Brave Companions have left or gone silent. I’m still over 200 pounds and dealing with demons from my past. As Alen say, Progress, not perfection. But my progress this week seemed to stall and self-doubt abound
  6. A bright spot was the Halloween show. It was fun to work with Mark again and to have the contributions of Suz, Cheryl, Dawny and My friend Max. It was creative to edit that one all together, and I was proud of how I worked the eating topic into the theme.
  7. I also received a heart-felt email letter from a brave companion, who again said how much listening to all of the episodes has meant to her. This pulled my head out of my ass
  8. My size is the same, yet is feels different from day to day. Isn’t this why I gave up the scale?
  9. We all know I weigh more than 200 pounds, so why am I surprised by photos or unexpected mirror glimpses?
  10. I think partially that my actual size ballooned and plummeted so much and so often in the past, my internal size never stuck
  11. I think I still have strong ties to equating big/fat with bad/shameful. So if I feel bad for any reason, I feel fat. Period
  12. If I feel physically fat for any reason, water retention, tight clothing, actual weight gain, I feel bad about myself as a human being
  13. This is what I’m working on. I can be huge and it doesn’t make me a bad human being. I can be thin and it doesn’t make me a good human being. I can be any physical size and it doesn’t add or subtract to my heart or my character. Only my own thoughts, reactions, instincts, wisdom,and experience can guide my own self-worth, and I have a problem with this.
  14. Photos can be photoshopped (I’m actually quite good at that, though none of my photos in this blog are photoshopped beyond brightness adjustments). Photos vary by light, pose, angle etc. Photos capture one second through the lens of the photographer (in the case of selfies, yourself)
  15. Mirrors can be manipulated with light, your pose, your expectation etc. (Mirrors capture how you are looking to yourself during the moments you gaze into them. This varies by how you feel.)
  16. Hearts cannot tell physical size. They can be influenced by emotions and negative or positive thought.

I’ve written this list to ponder and think through all of this today. I conclude that hearts are best for judging our inner worth, photos are best for making artistic statements or capturing times of our lives, whatever our sizes, and the mirror is best for smiling in and telling ourselves, “I love you as you are.”

Laurie, I love you in your yoga pants
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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