Tag Archives: laurie weaver

My heart’s a dancer – tears and smiles from digging through the memory box

Laurie at age 7 wearing a rainbow colored tutu
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My favorite ballet costume circa 1966. I was 6 and a half. A year or so from this photo I will become obese and quit dancing, because my teacher told me I would never medically qualify for toe shoes. At the time of this photo, dance moms were already remarking on how my legs were ‘too’ big for me to study ballet. My teachers loved my creativity and musicality, but it’s true, my shape made classical technique challenging. How I wish I knew about modern dance at that time!

Here’s what I posted this morning to Facebook

Stiffness in my back today – even after my AM back exercises. So chillin’ – literally with ice-packs and watching So You Think You Can Dance on Hulu Plus. Because we don’t have regular commercial or cable TV, this is a show I’ve never seen before. Wow! Besides enjoying all of the dancing, I am so struck by the joy of the dancers. This is passion! I love to see them in their moment. This is life at its finest I think. When you are in your moment completely with your whole heart. I’ve seen it in gourmet cooks, in mothers with their kids, in singers in little kids at play. I have it at times when I’m recording my show – especially those from the mountain. I can safely say, I’ve never had that moment in the middle of dieting or bingeing.
Hmm, think I might go write a blog post on this while I’m chillin’ with my ice.

Two sides to memories


At the time I had this idea, I felt happy and excited to go find my ballerina photo. I LOVED to dance. It was one of my early passions. I still love to dance. I met Mark at square dance lessons, we ballroom dance and I even dance around the house while cleaning and singing to my cats. I’m the cat Beyoncé!

I have what I call the memory box. I toss photos, special cards, my old drivers license from Washington, my student ID from university, letters from my best friend who is now passed away, tickets from trips, old ribbons etc. This is the place for stuff I don’t want to toss, but don’t like to look at much. It is telling to me. You can see, brave companions, even from this random sample, that the memories I toss in the box are good and sad, painful and joyful, all mixed together without classification, rhyme or reason.

If it’s something from my past, I toss it in the box.

As we travel together, you and I, on this experiment where I talk or write about my feelings rather than stuffing down the chips, more and more of my feelings are coming to the surface. Random, weird, happy, sad, painful, embarrassing, moments of pride and love I’ve forgotten.

I have self-imposed amnesia.

It is true, I have much pain in my past. Much much pain. Enough that I would classify the entire first half of my life as something I don’t want to remember. But the memory box shows me that there are these other bits I push out with food and numbness.

My dad sitting me on his lap on our old boat to “let me steer” under the Narrows Bridge.

My many cats and dogs and ducks and geese and guinea pigs – all of them my friends and babies and sources of joyful fun.

My grandpa and grandma smiling while I blow out candles on my birthday cake.

My many trips to Disneyland with family, friends, old boyfriends etc. All different years and in each photo, I’m a different size.

Swimming in the Puget Sound, swimming in many motel pools, diving off our boat. I always loved the water. No matter my size, I felt free to move in water. Light, nimble, a mermaid of the deep.

Summer days at my grandma’s blueberry farm where I’d hurry to pick my 10 pounds of berries so we could rush to a lake to go swimming. We’d take two buckets while picking. In the morning you’d stand on one bucket to pick the top of the berry bushes, their size like small trees. In the heat of the afternoon, we’d turn it over and sit on the bucket to pick the underside of the bushes in the shade.

Blueberries pulled straight from the bush in warm August burst on your tongue like liquid light and explode with flavor that you cannot buy in stores. I never picked fast, but I picked very clean. My Grandma always said she could sell my bucket to the customers without having to put my haul through the berry sorting machine where leaves and unripe berries were removed.

I guess I was a perfectionist berry picker even then.

Today my search to find my inner dancer in the memory box was very painful. Both because I dug through items that remind me of the painful times, but also because I realized just how much of my life I’ve locked away out of reach.

Maybe the dancers I watch on the television, exploding with vibrant movement and freedom are using all of their emotions to create their moments. Maybe they too have darkness in their paths, but they are flying right now, tipping their wings toward the sun.

I’m thinking that part of my journey toward experiencing life instead of sleep walking through it numb, but safe, in the haze of food/diet/weight compulsion is to bravely look at each photo in this box. To remember. To regain my joy as well as my pain.

How about you, brave companions, when have you had YOUR moments? Do you also have a memory box? How do you deal with it?

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Ep 0052 – Finding my Way Not my Weight – Tales from Laurie’s Blue Mood

Laurie smells some flowers
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I stop to smell the snapdragons on my way to record episode 52 at Descanso Gardens

Podcast Recap

I emerge from a depressive Blue Mood by sharing my feelings via blog post and explain why bike riding is a good thing to combat depression. I’m shocked by an urge to go back to calorie counting after my turbulent emotions and examine why in the end, I don’t feel that is the best way for me to go. I muse about learning to use the intuitive eating movement’s hunger scale. I share my fears and decide to give up the appearance of control over the brave companions listening and commenting habits. Also featured, Taryn Brumfitt’s Kickstarter campaign to fund a documentary about body acceptance, Amanda Trusty’s awesome video art expressing her warrior-like dance claiming her own body acceptance as well as her newest video showing her fan’s own body acceptance. Shout-outs to new listener, Janet, and comments from Sue, Cheryl, Stéfanie and Michelle McK

Take a Closer Look

HD photos from this episode on FB

Pink Snapdragons in a bed

The field of flowers in the entrance bed at Descanso Gardens

Tangerine colored rose against a bed of green leaves

Thinking of Shirl, I have a flower photo safari and bag this close-up rose!

Laurie looks up under an oak tree

Always on the quest for a new and different selfie for my diary, I think things are “looking up!”

Laurie snaps a full body selfie in the full length ladies' room mirror

In honor of Taryn Brumfitt’s Body Image Movement, I take the first full body photo of me in years! (At least on purpose)

Mentioned

Laurie’s Big Bunch of Blue blog post

Janet’s first post on Day 47. Please welcome her!

Cheryl’s Welcome to Janet

Michelle McK’s comment on Day 49 about getting caught up

Sue’s comment on Day 50 about progress with her foot AND with her eating strategy

Stéfanie’s congratulations comment on Day 50

Taryn Brumfitt’s Body Image Movement website IHAVEEMBRACED

Taryn’s Kickstarter Campaign to fund her documentary and Great Video Short- EMBRACE

Amanda Trusty’s Awesome Dance art supporting body acceptance

Amanda Trusty’s documentary short of her fans and supporters demonstrating body acceptance. AWESOME!

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day


The different Hunger Scales
Cool article From the blog, Intuitive Eating that shows various photos of hunger scales and what they mean. Great to compare and to see if any resonate with you.
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And now for something COMPLETELY different…

Laurie and Mark smile wearing bike helmets
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We’re all smiles as we complete our regular 15-mile route today. First time since my back issues.

Today I woke up in a cold sweat of worry and rumination. Is the podcast dying? Am I screwing up yet again? Am I getting fatter? Am I fooling myself? Yada Yada Yada…

What happened? When last we left the ranch, wasn’t Laurie ascending the mountain, feeling spiffy and proclaiming endless love for this project?

True.

I felt successful and happy.

Punch to the gut. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY!

I’m used to crappy and failure. Fat despite all heroic attempts, projects burning, relationships abandoned, and moody swings-are-me.

I’m definitely whipping’ up a massive blue period for myself these days!

Here’s the recipe:

Laurie’s Big Old Batch of Blue

Ingredients:

  • Self-Doubt
  • self-criticism
  • Self-Centric
  • Circumstances beyond control
  • Strong need to control circumstances beyond control
  • Worry
  • Rumination
  • Extra Worry
  • Physical limits
  • Strong need to pay NO ATTENTION to physical limits
  • Tendency to rage when thwarted
  • Strong feeling that rage is bad
  • Tendency to ergo turn rage toward self
  • Tendency to feel thwarted by circumstances beyond control

Instructions:

  1. Live Life
  2. Encounter a challenge
  3. Add a sprinkling of other human beings reacting to their own challenges
  4. Take responsibility for said other reactions
  5. Stir ingredients over and over and over until frothy
  6. Think on these endlessly until Big Old Batch of Blue is ready.
  7. To Test if done, poke self endlessly until maximum pain causes self to throw in some important towel.

Whatever you do, keep kindness, tolerance, reaching out to friends, honest self-expression, self-understanding, fun bike rides and snarky weird blog posts away, as they may cause Big Old Batch of Blue to self-destruct and hopeful ‘joy despite all odds’ to reappear.

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Ep 0051 – Bonus – The Danger of the Lull

Laurie by a rose trellis.
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I’m standing in front of my climbing rose at home before heading down to the park.

Podcast Recap

A total random, bonus episode as my compulsive brain tortures me during the lull between events. I take to the park to talk it out and think it through. How can I learn to consider NOT considering? Also, after emailing with Stefano and reading the news of today, I get mad about people feeling free to comment on other people’s size. Thanks to Cheryl, Sue and Stéfanie for their good wishes on episode 50.
Lilac bloom

Hurrah! The first bloom appears on our lilac tree!

Produce laid out on a table

Farmers’ market produce. Always cheerful to go wander around the stalls and talk with the vendors.

Mentioned

The National Eating Disorders Association Site

Alen Standish’s blog and podcast, Quit Binge Eating

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day


How to Meditate for Beginners
Good step by step article with a good FAQ section and answers to questions in the comments. From the blog, The Conscious Life.
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Ep 0050 – Laurie Celebrates Half of a Podcast Century

Laurie holding her hiking poles in one hand by a tree
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Hurrah! Hiking poles today intend of a cane. ‘Nuff said.

Podcast Recap

I’m filled with awe and gratitude as I exchange my cane for hiking poles once again and ascend my beloved mountain to celebrate the 50th episode of Compulsive Overeating Diary. I reminisce about where I began on this experiment and ponder where I’m going. I think about all of the blessings that have come my way from interacting with you, the brave companions. Cheryl calls the bravery hotline to support Brandi and earns her spot on today’s Bravery Report. A shout-out to new listener and brave companion, Maria from the UK, comments from Michelle, Stéfanie and Cheryl and an update about Alva the English teacher from France. Another big thank-you to Josh Woodward for his inspiring song, I’m letting go.

Sunrise over the mountains at the start of the trail. Close-up of the trail marker sign.

Trail marker at the beginning of the day. The sunrise marks the beginning too of my hopeful journey to record from the mountain.


The trail winds uphill on a calm and sunny blue-sky day

The trail upward. Each step of the way I asked my body if I could continue. Really unique and good practice to get back in touch with the part of me I have hated, ignored and mistreated. Body, thank you for sticking with me. I love you!


Pile of prayer rocks - various sizes, chiefly granite on a big stone

Here are my 50th episode prayer rocks. For me, it’s a memory, a wish and a released thought into the universe. I place them then think on them. Today I was struck by the many shapes and directions, representing the various brave companions and their individuality – even as we are unified, as the rocks are.


Laurie in a red scarf eats a green apple in a field of grass

I’m thrilled to be eating my traditional pre-recording Granny Smith apple at my next to top Zen place. After my recent back trouble, I doubted I would be able to do my 50th episode from my beloved mountain.

Take a Closer Look


The full resolution versions of today’s photos on Facebook

Also on Facebook, see the selfies from episode one and from episode 50 side by side. Can you see the difference?

Mentioned

Revisit Episode 1

Crystals’s great advice for my birthday on episode 14

Revisit weird day 48 and hear Brandi’s bravery hotline call

Michelle’s great comment about being assertive on Day 46

Stéfanie’s reaction to Weird Day 48 and her wonderful link to her Zen Song

Cheryl’s reaction to Stéfanie’s wonderful Zen Song

Catch up with Laurie

My Spreaker page. Please follow me there if you are on Spreaker.

My Instagram page at LaurieDreamWeaver

FaceBook Page if you want to sign up for our email list by clicking Tiger the Cat’s Sign-up button

Laurie on Tumblr

My page with instructions for all of the ways (so far) that you can send audio and lend your voice to this podcast.

New free way to leave voicemail http://speakpipe.com/laurieweaver You can also click the blue button on this page that says ‘send a voice message.’

Bravery Hotline

Leave your comments, questions, feelings and stories on Laurie’s podcast voicemail hotline – 206-350-6445.

Credits

Host: Laurie Weaver

Main Theme:I’m Letting Go by Josh Woodward from The Simple Life Part 1

I’m Letting Go (Josh Woodward) / CC BY 3.0

Resource of the day


50 Good Things About Life
from the blog, Just a Lemon. It is fun to read this person’s positive list of 50 good things in life. Some you may agree with, some not, but it is a very cool idea. I’m inspired to try it myself and create a 50 good things list! How about you?
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