I decide trying on pants is the lesser of two evils today

EARLY! Woke up 4am, tossing and turning. Weird anxiety dreams of weight piling on. Panic! Thought about lugging ladder to the garage to find my old nemesis, the scale, for:

• Reassurance?
• Punishment for eating intuitively instead of on a calorie or food restriction diet of some kind?
• a Miracle? You know, where you eat a bunch but your weight goes down – MAYBE that could happen – sigh

But I decided my old nemesis would not help and wondered why I’m feeling this way?

Pondered and realized I feel puffy. Puffiness and I are old friends. It usually means:

1. Could be weight gain (yikes, my challenge is that I need to be ok with this one right now in my journey to learn to eat without bingeing)
2. TOO MUCH SALT – I’m a big water retainer, always have been, despite my excellent blood pressure.
3. Heat – I react to heat by retaining water – no doubt because of the extra sweating.
4. Injury – the body can become puffy while healing trauma areas.

So let’s think about these, and rank the possibilities

1. Before I gave up the scale I weighed the same for over 2 months. Have I changed my eating significantly since then? No. Have I changed my exercise? Yes. Much less since bike crash 1 week ago.
2. Eating Salty things lately? Yes, had Mexican dinner with Mark on Monday.
3. Weather lately? Hot as bejesus!
4. Injury? Yes, Chest and knee still painfully bruised and feeling tender.
   Post where I tell about the accident
   Post where if you CHOOSE you can view the damage to my poor body parts

I think my puffiness is firstly caused by the dinner, then the heat and injury combined with lesser amount of exercise (this also increases my stress hormones).

Next step, how can I know if I AM actually putting on fat without weighing. (Again, I’m not supposed to care right now, but I can’t help myself).

I usually wear the size 20W jeans I bought at the start of doing this show after I gained the 23 extra pounds. They fit comfortably, and a bit loosely. Even these have felt more snug in the tummy. So I face my fear and drag out my 18W jeans. They had fit and zipped a few months ago, but not as comfy as my 20W. I figured if they don’t zip, I’ll know I’m up a bit in weight. (Even though I’m not supposed to care about that – my controlling mind WANTS TO KNOW)

Voila! They fit. They zip. I can sit in them. In fact I’m writing this post RIGHT NOW wearing them and have been sitting for awhile.

So of course I feel better. But the real question is the anxiety I felt. Part of my journey is letting go of self-judgement in the critical sense. Of allowing my body to dictate its hunger and fullness. Allowing the diet rebound to happen if need be on the way to balance.

This is a true BRAVERY REPORT shot. I dare to look AND snap the photo of myself from the back. The hips and top of thighs are my most feared and in the past, hated area of my body. For me to look objectively and not spew self-hatrid and damaging talk is very difficult. But I am a true Rubenesque body type of woman.

Rubens’ Venus at a Mirror

Am I TRULY at peace with my shape yet? No. I still struggle, but I can see the resemblence to the figure Sir Peter Paul Rubens loved to paint. Who am I to argue with art?

I am form and curves and cuddly lush love wrapped in skin and bones, but of these, the only thing that doesn’t change with time and chance is the love. No scale can measure that. – Laurie, July 30, 2014