I’m tired this morning. Another night of interrupted sleep and tossing. My mind is restless and I’m feeling the tug of depression again. What to do? Look outside and see what’s there. Inside is a mess.

Here’s what I wrote on Facebook today:

RESILIENCE – springing back, getting back up, keeping on keeping on, this is a quality that a person asked me about yesterday. ‘Laurie, What is the secret to your resilience?’ Hmmm. Since I feel like one of those flattened pancake cartoon people after the boulder drops on them, hard to say. But I’ve felt this before, and I peel myself off the pavement, blow cartoon-like into my thumb to puff myself back into shape and then off I go to find something interesting. For me learning is not a chore. I learn something. And as a former teacher, I know learning isn’t a huge leap into the pond, but slow steps tickling the pond’s edge’s with one’s toes before dipping in. I explore. I distract until my attention is engaged. Today I may hike or paint or read my book some more. I may record, study a lesson on making audio or practice singing. I used to love all you can eat for distraction, now I love all you can try. Today I’ll try something. How about you?

I write these words on FB knowing that few will read them. When I first started posting my daily mini status of thoughts and ideas on FB, like with Daily Adventure Tales, I thought that BCs might join in the conversation. It didn’t turn out that way. So much social media, so little time. Too many cute cat videos whizzing by… There is a good chance though, that the faithful Dawny will click like and maybe comment and tell me something good. It is a rare day that Dawny doesn’t stop by my page to like a post or to encourage me. I’m calling you out right here, GF, you are an angel of encouragement and it makes a BIG difference.

These daily updates on FB may just be another thing I need to let go. It’s time to put energy where it counts.

I’m not complaining. I’m sad. I’m not really even sad, I’m in the midst of depression again.

Depression, you black hole of lies, why can’t I fight you today?

Depression is a medical condition and not to be trifled with.

It is based in chemicals in your brain as well as in stress reactors and coping mechanisms. I’ve often told you that food doesn’t trigger me, emotions do. Depression is the one time this doesn’t fly. When depressed I want sugar, because biochemically, it stimulates the pleasure centers in my brain, the dopamine receptors. And during depression that doesn’t make me happy, it makes me less flattened down by the constant black cloud.

However, I also know that I don’t usually go for sugar in large amounts. Not my thing. So I notice this drive and consider…

Hmmm, sleep really off, not as active, don’t want to reach out, cookies sound good all day long… ding ding ding! Depression is on its unmerry way again.

I don’t feel like walking yet. I don’t want to hike. I’m too tired.

Tonight is my writing group. That will be fun. Maybe I should try to nap today to conserve energy?

Sigh:

Usually, I can’t nap. My restless brain doesn’t stop. But I can rest.

Television actually worsens depression. So, Survivor, my binge-watching friend, not today.

Reading is hard for me now on a good day. Concentrating on the page during depression? It’s like watching bouncing balls slowly fly off bricks in the old video game, Breakout.

What then? What to concentrate on? What to think on?

What can I find outside of myself to focus on? What good thing is there in the midst of depression?

Squirrel Power!

I was trying to snap this little squirrel mid-leap as his acrobatics across my fence were amazing!

A plucky squirrel leapt into view via a flourish of high jumps and whirls across my back fence. He/She scampered and ran, did joyful flips and soaring tumbles on and off of the low hanging branches. A miniature Baryshnikov performing for me, LIVE in my own backyard! The squirrel was running, not from predators, but for the fun of it. I watched this squirrel for some time before I realized I was smiling.

The squirrel’s acrobatics brought to mind an old childhood favorite cartoon. Off to YouTube to see it again.

Rocky and Bullwinkle

Seeing them again made me smile. Then I thought of the famous voice actor, June Foray, who voiced so many great characters – including Rocket J. Squirrel AND Natasha Fatale.

I wonder if I can find something about her voice acting career to encourage me?

What a fun interview!

Hope is opposite of depression

Experiencing this reminded me that June Foray had NO idea when she did the work that Rocky and Bullwinkle would be going strong even to this day. She didn’t know she would become a legend. She didn’t worry about if her voice was good enough. She did her voice acting because it was her job and she had fun doing it.

It strikes me too, that much of what she enjoyed was the interaction with her fellow voice actors. I’m that way too. I like to do the dialogs and laughing with my fellow voice acting students takes the sting from mistakes.

It’s okay to try things.

It’s okay if every day isn’t your best.

It’s okay if you need to conserve energy and pull back a bit.

You may not soar like Rocky and the little squirrel of today, but as long as you can look outside of yourself and find a squirrel of some kind, you can hope for a better day.