Already antsy and anxious from relentless winds smashing against my windows, I ponder if I want to distract myself on the computer, or if the deafening silence there will drive me batty.
Wind
Mark and I had decided to ride the river today. Yay! I’ve been not exercising since we got back from our mini-break to Ventura as I’ve had singing to practice, voice acting to rehearse and moods to wallow in. I was happy and excited to get out of the house, back on the saddle, and peddle my blues away.
Problem is, mother nature had other plans for us.
Where we live exists an anxious-making freak of nature called the Santa Ana Winds aka the Devil Winds. They roar down from the high deserts though the mountains where I usually hike, tear the palm fronds from the trees, batter our yard with debris and my brain with headaches and anxiety. I’m not alone in this one. The Santa Anas stir up mold, pollen, other nasties, and rapid changes in air pressure just make us jumpy and uncomfortable. Even the cats huddle under the bed for these events.
It’s no secret either, that I’ve ALREADY got a whoppin’ case of the blues from feeling alienated lately from my audience. This is NOT YOUR FAULT if you are actually reading this. This is also NOT YOUR FAULT if you are not. It is me feeling vulnerable, not sure, and externally comforted again. It is me wondering if, in fact, I am full of shit and have been living a life of denial. Whoa! Strong words there Laurie!
Yep, the Santa Anas do little to ease my compulsive fears and obsessive thoughts. I feel the tree behind our home will topple and crush us. I feel 1000 hammers inside of my head picking, picking, away at everything I think. I feel forsaken as a forgotten cork bobbing in an endless ocean. I feel as a pinprick of light in a field of stars so large that no one can ever hear me scream as these crappy relentless winds kept on coming wave after wave after wave.
Yep, there’s a hint of depression and crazy there. The winds DON’T HELP.
Solution 1
One easy option is curling up on old reliable and finding junk TV to take me away. But the wind makes me unsettled.
Ah the sweet comfort of wearing your PJs past noon and curling up in this tender womb of blankets while turning off your brain with mindless, brainless, junk TV. Luckily, food is no longer a necessary component of this one, but my sweet, sweet sofa is RIGHT BY THE DAMN WINDOW where the gusts of wind are rattling my nerves and my brain. Crap.
Solution 2
I dig out my art pencils and just let myself draw. First time in over 15 years.
Let’s capture all of these feelings with ART THERAPY! Yay! Pretty cool. Just draw, don’t think, don’t judge. Hmm, Laurie, you don’t draw as well as you used to. Shut up Laurie, we’re feeling, not judging. Laurie? Yes? I don’t think you have captured our feelings. I think you are scribbling for fun. Well, what’s the F wrong with scribbling for fun? Nothing, it’s just the WIND ISN’T FUN AND NOW YOU ARE MAKING BLACK MARKS OVER EVERYTHING!
Ok, good point. Time to stop while I can still see some picture.
(Now actually, the art was really effective for awhile. I recommend just drawing as a cool distraction for as long as you can keep your judgmental side out of the picture.)
Solution 3
Well since there is NO way in ever living HECK that I’m going walking or hiking in this weather, podcasting is out! Besides, I’m STILL sad about the lack of comments from the last outing. Come on, Laurie give it a chance, Chance HELL, I’m lonely, it’s windy, and I have ZERO comments to play with to distract me.
Again, NOT YOUR FAULT if you are reading this and NOT YOUR FAULT if you are not.
I am lonely, stressed by wind, and wishing all was rainbows and unicorns at the moment. Everyone seems to be on edge these days, especially me. It is easy to feel confident when the scale is going down, or the comments are flying in, or the bravery hotline is ringing off the hook. It is hard when the best you have is staying the same, when your show feels like it is losing ground and it becomes apparent there is much more internal work to do to keep the slings and arrows of a usual life from buffeting your mood like the wind.
Sigh.
Ok, I expressed my feelings. The wind is still blowing. But I do feel better. A tad. A touch. A tinsy bit.
I KNOW that this true ranting and self-involved blog posting is not as fun to read as some of my more public moods. So don’t worry if this writing is not for you. Because this one, totally, totally, was for me. It was a way to get it out of my head and onto the page. So if anything, this post is a good example to observe, detach, and to go about your own life knowing that I’m not asking you to fix this mood. You CANNOT fix this mood anymore than you can turn off the wind that is playing havoc with my mind today.
I have had a weird day today, for sure. Doubtless, not the last.
There is one positive though. With all of the wind and emotions and inner turmoil, guilt, shame, weakness and self-pity, not once today, did I want to eat some chips.