Already antsy and anxious from relentless winds smashing against my windows, I ponder if I want to distract myself on the computer, or if the deafening silence there will drive me batty.
Wind
Mark and I had decided to ride the river today. Yay! I’ve been not exercising since we got back from our mini-break to Ventura as I’ve had singing to practice, voice acting to rehearse and moods to wallow in. I was happy and excited to get out of the house, back on the saddle, and peddle my blues away.
Problem is, mother nature had other plans for us.
Where we live exists an anxious-making freak of nature called the Santa Ana Winds aka the Devil Winds. They roar down from the high deserts though the mountains where I usually hike, tear the palm fronds from the trees, batter our yard with debris and my brain with headaches and anxiety. I’m not alone in this one. The Santa Anas stir up mold, pollen, other nasties, and rapid changes in air pressure just make us jumpy and uncomfortable. Even the cats huddle under the bed for these events.
It’s no secret either, that I’ve ALREADY got a whoppin’ case of the blues from feeling alienated lately from my audience. This is NOT YOUR FAULT if you are actually reading this. This is also NOT YOUR FAULT if you are not. It is me feeling vulnerable, not sure, and externally comforted again. It is me wondering if, in fact, I am full of shit and have been living a life of denial. Whoa! Strong words there Laurie!
Yep, the Santa Anas do little to ease my compulsive fears and obsessive thoughts. I feel the tree behind our home will topple and crush us. I feel 1000 hammers inside of my head picking, picking, away at everything I think. I feel forsaken as a forgotten cork bobbing in an endless ocean. I feel as a pinprick of light in a field of stars so large that no one can ever hear me scream as these crappy relentless winds kept on coming wave after wave after wave.
Yep, there’s a hint of depression and crazy there. The winds DON’T HELP.
Solution 1
One easy option is curling up on old reliable and finding junk TV to take me away. But the wind makes me unsettled.
Ah the sweet comfort of wearing your PJs past noon and curling up in this tender womb of blankets while turning off your brain with mindless, brainless, junk TV. Luckily, food is no longer a necessary component of this one, but my sweet, sweet sofa is RIGHT BY THE DAMN WINDOW where the gusts of wind are rattling my nerves and my brain. Crap.
Solution 2
I dig out my art pencils and just let myself draw. First time in over 15 years.
Let’s capture all of these feelings with ART THERAPY! Yay! Pretty cool. Just draw, don’t think, don’t judge. Hmm, Laurie, you don’t draw as well as you used to. Shut up Laurie, we’re feeling, not judging. Laurie? Yes? I don’t think you have captured our feelings. I think you are scribbling for fun. Well, what’s the F wrong with scribbling for fun? Nothing, it’s just the WIND ISN’T FUN AND NOW YOU ARE MAKING BLACK MARKS OVER EVERYTHING!
Ok, good point. Time to stop while I can still see some picture.
(Now actually, the art was really effective for awhile. I recommend just drawing as a cool distraction for as long as you can keep your judgmental side out of the picture.)
Solution 3
Well since there is NO way in ever living HECK that I’m going walking or hiking in this weather, podcasting is out! Besides, I’m STILL sad about the lack of comments from the last outing. Come on, Laurie give it a chance, Chance HELL, I’m lonely, it’s windy, and I have ZERO comments to play with to distract me.
Again, NOT YOUR FAULT if you are reading this and NOT YOUR FAULT if you are not.
I am lonely, stressed by wind, and wishing all was rainbows and unicorns at the moment. Everyone seems to be on edge these days, especially me. It is easy to feel confident when the scale is going down, or the comments are flying in, or the bravery hotline is ringing off the hook. It is hard when the best you have is staying the same, when your show feels like it is losing ground and it becomes apparent there is much more internal work to do to keep the slings and arrows of a usual life from buffeting your mood like the wind.
Sigh.
Ok, I expressed my feelings. The wind is still blowing. But I do feel better. A tad. A touch. A tinsy bit.
I KNOW that this true ranting and self-involved blog posting is not as fun to read as some of my more public moods. So don’t worry if this writing is not for you. Because this one, totally, totally, was for me. It was a way to get it out of my head and onto the page. So if anything, this post is a good example to observe, detach, and to go about your own life knowing that I’m not asking you to fix this mood. You CANNOT fix this mood anymore than you can turn off the wind that is playing havoc with my mind today.
I have had a weird day today, for sure. Doubtless, not the last.
There is one positive though. With all of the wind and emotions and inner turmoil, guilt, shame, weakness and self-pity, not once today, did I want to eat some chips.
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
I have not listened to your past two podcasts because I only download them when I am in WiFi. I have been out of WiFi lately. Tomorrow!
I used to be very active with blogging and it would frustrate and sadden me when I didn’t have comments or when I had very few. I don’t know why, but I just felt unloved or something…. so I completely get what you’re saying about lack of involvement from other brave companions making you feel blue.
I am still here reading and listening.
XO
Wow, thanks so much Diane. Today this wind is REALLY getting to me. It always makes me nuts, and even though I know in my head that people have busy lives and valid reasons that don’t necessarily mean they don’t like me, or what I say, my heart is in the mood for loads of love and “Yay we like you, we really like you.” Unfortunately, just because I want that, doesn’t mean it’s convenient! So thanks for validating that wish with your story, and I’m very, very glad you are still reading and listening. I don’t have anyone else who understands what the BFL series was like, or how hard that was to do it back to back. People see me now and assume I have no discipline. But I do. I had and have discipline. What I didn’t have was true understanding nor self love. And since I lacked that for so long, it makes me crave it all the more from others. And that is just part of my process and part of the human condition. We all want love and understanding. Thanks for giving me some today. xoxoxoxoxoxox
sending you a hug.. I was down-right.. bitchy today, sorry, I know you try to keep this clean, but there’s no nice way to put it. LOL
Im not sure what happened, I know the last couple days have been over-whelming at home where Im feeling like cinderella instead of the queen of the castle LOL, boys are dumb.. okay wait, maybe just ‘my boys’ (2 sons, and husband, who mind you in technical AGING are ADULTS, but if you ask me, they act as if they are 2 all 3 of them grrr)
Okay, anyway,
Im doing well as i can be, Im lost in the frustration of the job market search that seems to be sending me in circles, the interview Friday left me feeling like it didn’t go well =-( HOWEVER Im NOT eating that frustration
Im working HARD on ‘feeling my feelings’ and NOT feeding my feelings, it’s tough, but I can do this, some-times just sitting with the feelings feels like torture, like when im eating the salad topped with chili, ive reached that im full part, and i know bite by bite im getting fuller and am going to be miserable, I start talking to myself, some-times in my head, some-times out-loud, stop Dawny, it’s not going to taste any better, your full, your going to be miserable stop Dawny, there’s more, you can have it again later or tomorrow, aaaah finally, in my trance, I walk to the trash, not before taking one more bite I dump it in the trash. yes please =-)
We are human Laurie
Im sorry for the lack of BC’s, and those ‘turning’ on you, you don’t have the magic answer they chase, sadly, they have to find out for themselves NOBODY has the magic answer, it’s within us as you and i are learning…
Dawny YOU are my SHEro today! Thanks for the post AND for sending me your thanks to use in the show. Hooray, at least I’ll have something to play 🙂 I am sorry that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed. Job searches these days SO SUCK because not only do you have the regular stress, but all business politeness seems to have flown out the window with the advent of online job boards. You are number ONE on my list, dear Dawny, and I’m so proud of you for doing your best to feel these crappy feelings instead of covering them up. It is harder to allow those to remain uncovered by food and diet thoughts for me, and that you are thoughtfully dealing with your life AND food issues is an act of heroic bravery. Hugs, kisses, and big thumbs up.xoxoxoxoxoxo
Oh gosh… Someone else that struggles with the wind. I SO get that! It makes me absolutely crazy if it goes on very long. Nervous, jumpy, out-of-sorts, scared… It comes right out of the canyon at us where we live. Makes me just want to crawl in bed with the covers over my head or get TOTALLY out of Dodge. So you come by your mood honestly.
As to folks not responding as usual, this is the first holiday season you will have been doing this. I’m not surprised things are slow. From the middle of November when they start dragging all the Christmas stuff out till the middle of January when everyone’s had a chance to regroup is probably going to be a dry spell. Nothing to do with you. Lots of emotional ups and downs for everyone. IMO, your best bet is to just carry on as usual and know that folks will get caught up with you in mid-January sometime. Compare notes with Alen and see if he experiences the same thing maybe?
In the meantime, perhaps you should think about how you’re being a port in the storm for them. You’re not wasting your time carrying on. No doubt folks are listening — while they’re doing ten million other holiday errands.
And Maybe go to more blog posts over the holidays in between the podcasts, just to keep yourself buoyed up. Busy folks might appreciate the shorter format during the holidays. Maybe you should ask them. Could you send an email to those on your email list and ask for their advice? Just see where they’re coming from during the season?
I’ve been gone all week and will likely be out every day this week, too, until Thanksgiving day. I haven’t had a chance to listen to the last podcast yet. I know it’s hard not to get discouraged. I suspect those who have walked away have caused you to doubt whether what you’re doing is right for you. Trust your heart, Laurie, and your gut. But most importantly, know that you’re not alone.
Big hugs,
Cheryl
Thanks Cheryl, BIG HUGS for taking the time to support me in this windy hell day! I didn’t know you got them too in your neck of the woods, but these winds literally make me batty. Luckily, they have died down for now, so I’m off for a walk while the getting’s good. Yes, I realize about the holidays and busyness, but my “Woe is me” obviously comes from the little girl inside who’s wailing and stamping her feet vs. the kind, wise adult who deals better with these things. So I let her tantrum yesterday and as I’ve said before, the show will be whatever it turns out to be. (even on days when I’m not dealing the best) Come what may, it’s been great fun so far, and I hope to continue it into the new year and beyond. Happy Thanksgiving! xoxoxoxox
Hi Laurie,
What a bummer that the wind and other circumstances are bringing you down! I’ve never experienced those particular winds, but I know that very windy days tend to make me nervous. I think that is because I live in a wooded area, and I’m always afraid a tree is going to fall on the house! If the noise is bugging you, put in some good noise locking earbuds and listen to a podcast or book! I’m amazed at how much my earbuds cancel out annoying background noise.
I was going to share this in a private email, but….what the heck! I’ve been thinking a lot about my own journey with intuitive eating, and your last few podcasts have helped me figure out where I am. I realized that the day I decided to jump on the intuitive eating bandwagon was the first time you mentioned that you thought you had lost a bit of weight on your journey. I’m simply not in a place in my life where I am ok if I gain more weight. I am still in a place where I feel like I need to lose weight. So, for now, I am sticking with attempting to apply many strategies of IE to a calorie counting plan. All foods are legal, but I still have to eat a reasonable serving and track the calories. I’m not hungry, and on those days I am, I eat more. Truth be told, I’ve binged again since attempting this. So I am still stuck with the dilemma, no counting and I overeat all the time, counting and I eat well, then binge. I think they are pretty much balanced in the overall calories, but they are both leading to weight gain. Can you feel my frustration? I so wanted IE to be the way for me, and I give you a ton of credit for sticking with it. Listening to you, makes me wonder if I made the right choice…..just like society is making you question your decision. I say we both look deep within ourselves, do what honestly seems right for us at the moment, and remember that we can change our mind if we honestly feel that we need to!
I commend you for sticking to your guns, even if it means losing listeners. Keep reminding yourself that you are NOT doing this podcast to please others, but to help yourself in your journey. It just so happens that we get to benefit by listening in and chatting along the way.
((hugs)) to you!
~Amy
Hi Amy, I’m glad you posted here publicly, since your struggle is one I’m seeing played out over and over again among the BCs. So I think everyone’s point of view is a good thing for people to see and to help them consider. I know how disappointing it feels to think that Intuitive Eating will help fix our eating issues AND help us lose weight. In my case, I believe, in the end I will lose more, but how long that will take, I have no idea, and I think that there may be more ups and downs as I figure it out. For me, the best thing about all of these recent trials and tribulations – even seeing others go back to tracking in some way, is that I know even more strongly that this is the best path for me. For the first time I am not thinking about food. I’m not worried at all about the holiday season. It is all the same to me. Amazing! But I’m also not working and not needing to fit in my business suits anymore. I also have the luxury of time and space on most days if I need it. AND I have my therapist to support me emotionally (not to mention all of you) xoxoxoxox. I am absolutely serious that each person has different causes, different needs, and different triggers that tell them where on the continuum of diets or non-diets, he or she needs to be. The only way the methods of Intuitive Eating that I’m doing work for me at all is when I let go completely of my need to be thinner. And REALLY let it go. When I am in that space, then my eating is very different from “non dieting eating”. The drivers to binge or to find food so tempting are just not there as much as before. And overall, my calories are down. But down calories for me, means not gaining vs. putting on 30 pounds in 6 months. For example, today Mark offered to go get fajitas from a favorite fast food place, but I wasn’t hungry, so I said, none, for me, you go ahead. He decided to go another time when I was hungry for it. Now, this is delicious stuff, and normally, no matter how NOT hungry I was, I would want it. Today, I didn’t and I didn’t even think about it. This is how I see progress vs. getting smaller sizes or numbers on the scale. I’m starting to get excited by these signs, but it is hard, and I have my days and nights of tears and wishing I was thin again. The difference in my case, is I’ve done everything so many times, that I KNOW it won’t help me in the long run. That every successful diet for me will just be another ride on the compulsive/obsessive food wagon with binges on every other side of the restriction. No thin time for me has ever lasted more than 2 years. Fat and regain is much more prevelant in my cycle history. So I am pretty content to stay the same with no restriction and to keep on learning. It is a huge balancing act to negate binge calories. None of the options I can think of are very good. You are correct, that the best thing, if you ARE restricting, is to restrict as little as possible while maintaining a deficit and to eat foods you love and to make room for social eating in your plan. Still hard. In other words, I’m thinking the best success is to try for 1/2 lb. per week loss vs 2 pounds etc. To give yourself LOADS of room to explore and to be kind to yourself. Negative talk and thinking never, ever motivates anyone outside of bootcamp, and those poor schmoes have little choice in the matter. Anyway, I feel your pain, and I’m glad you are here. What ever way you go, I’ll support that. Because only you can know what’s right. And you are also correct, that you have every right to change your mind if one path or another doesn’t work in the moment. xoxoxoxxo Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and comfort me today. I so needed it, and I SO appreciate it!
Just want to say, thanks, for such a great reply. Keep at it, Laurie….even when it is hard!
xoxoxoxoxox
Great post Amy !! I’m so glad you shared with us. I feel the same in many ways as you, and although I REALLY wanted IE to be the ‘weigh’ for me too I too am not okay at making peace with gaining more weight. I have returned to tracking/counting with the guiding principals of IE on the forefront.
Cheers and success to us
Laurie,
I realize I’ve been listening to you & others working on “Eating Intuitively”and I’ve stayed in my old learned, “little girl” growing up kid habits eating style (a mouthfull) & as I listen to your podcasts and read others posts! It thrills me that you, Stefanie and others, are out the door on on the bike, on the trail even in the SNOW, at the beach or on the LA riverbed…instead of falling to the Chips while I sit on the computer, couch or fall into eating what my friends, family co-volunteers eat…DUH! I’m choosing to rely on what I know to soothe myself…old habits to make decisions for my food & everything else. After my divorce, I decided not to people please anymore so, now I don’t people please but, after any situation with friends and/or family, a meeting I go home and the first thing I want to do is eat…because, I can’t tell myself I did a good job & believe it (light bulb moment) , when I didn’t agree or please someone or something. It’s clear to me that I’ve been slacking and falling back for a few months. to listen to my my own hunger to make choices that will allow me be healthy physically, mentally and spiritually.
I’ve been pretty quiet…listening but, not doing!! What a light bulb moment for me…it just clicked in earlier and I couldn’t wait to get home and type out my light bulb moment! So now, i will start moving and practicing eating Intuitively. And the best part now that I’ve typed this out, I know that by me being quiet, I am hiding and that is the root of my issue…people pleasing…it is so hard for me not to people please…I sometimes would rather stay home and “hide” rather than turn someone down by not following their lead…dang it, dang it!
I see all of you BC’s, are honestly owning every part of things that could send you all back to the chips.
I’m not a great writer (long story on that) but, this is me…;)
Oh, and I remember the Santa Ana winds, they used to be hot and dusty. In Issaquah here, the winds are brr cold…miss the warm weather in California.
Patt
Patt, thanks SO much for having the bravery to post your lightbulb moments here! I used your story on Day 90, the Grateful episode, and I am so grateful for you and your willingness to share yourself with us. I’m proud of us Washingtonians for being real and being strong. I don’t miss the cold, but I have to admit, that how HOT it gets here is something, my grown in Washington bones, never gets used to! xoxoxoxxo