When I wake up, the first thing I do these days is snuggle with Tiger. His warm cuddly purring makes me feel much better about my life than any cold and mechanical scale number ever did.
A Visit from Old Frenemies
Yesterday, quite frankly, I was feeling discouraged. As I described during a recent episode on my podcast, I had fallen lately into the arms of my old frenemies, the Robot Aliens. For those new to this blog or who haven’t listened from the very beginning to all of the episodes of the podcast, Robot Aliens, are what I call the automatic binge behavior that takes me away from subconscious uncomfortable feelings. Robot Aliens are the distractors and protectors from conscious discomfort. I say,”Robot Aliens beamed into my body, thrust their robot arms into my sleeves and hammered those chips right down my gullet”.
My fun graphic of the alien robots for that I posted on Facebook.
This Robot Alien attack was disconcerting, because it has been literally, several months, maybe 6 or 7 months, since they have been around. Through journaling, telling “all” on my show, working in therapy and generally feeling good about my life, food has not been too much on my mind. My feelings have been apparent and present and for good, or for ill, I’ve been dealing with them.
Kicking Robot Alien Butt
One of my first instincts was to haul out the scale from the garage, step on it, notice the number and “Take my medicine”. After all, that would have been my reaction in the past. That looming and awful number would be enough to make me control those damned Robot Aliens with my awesomely powerful super-juiced-up renewed commitment to diet and exercise.
All it would take is one teensy step and I’d once again kick their Robot Alien Keisters and I’d get back into my skinny jeans and I would fit into chairs and I would feel better about myself and my life would be perfect…
:::Sigh:::
I knew that was a lie. I knew I could go back on a diet/exercise plan, count carbs, calories, points, macro/micro nutrients, remove grain, remove dairy, add supplements, add super foods, join a gym, join a diet program, be a body builder, track my miles, my steps, my cadence, my pushups, my burpees, measure my strength, my distance, my shrinking girth, my growing self-worth…
I have done this all before. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
I have been thin. I have been a body builder. I have been on many programs for months and years. I’ve been a vegetarian, I’ve been low-carb, I’ve been a clean eater, I’ve added flax, omega 6 oil, vitamins, eaten 6 times per day, 3 times per day, had a sensible dinner, had a sensible snack, had baggies of veggies in my purse for parties, had dressing on the side, no bread, no butter, no wine, no dessert, added fruit, removed fruit, added whole grain, removed grain, ate low-fat cottage cheese, shunned brie, boiled up leeks and drank green tea.
And in the end, eventually, I still returned to being me.
Crying in the Wildnerness
Being me, used to be the worse curse in my book, for all of the wrong-headed reasons we’ve discussed many times on my show.
But now, am I REALLY so bad that I need to give up my intuitive progress?
I took myself on a hike to ponder.
This was one of the amazing views on my hike.
I didn’t hurry up or down the mountain. I took photos and posted them to Instagram and/or Facebook when my phone would work. I listened to Alen Standish’s podcast, Progress, Not Perfection for inspiration. I listened to Episode 45 where Alen interviews Dr. Stan Beecham, a sports psychologist who has a very different take on success. It wowed me. Something that struck me was his pyramid of what we want/do/be. We begin with things. For example: I want a fit body. Then we move on to activities. I want to hike and bike. Then the highest level is how we wish to be as we experience life.
How do I wish to BE? Hmmmm…
I wish to be kind, filled with purpose, motivating, happy, authentic, fearless and content.
Weighing In
I built this stack of prayer rocks on purpose out of stones that were hard to balance. Together they fit and were strong. I did this to send my gratitude to all of you for supporting me and each other.
A diet won’t help me be those things. My chosen path of intuitive eating, telling you all my truth with courage and humility, accepting myself as I am and not waiting for a better number or size, for taking the good with the bad and processing the bumps of life with as much humor as I can… This is me. And after thinking it through, I’m very happy with that.
The scale can remain weighing cobwebs in the garage.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
PS, Brave Companions, what I wrote was how I feel about my path. Your path needs to be right for you and how you feel. Please don’t think I judge you or feel you must do as I do. I love you all just as you are and respect you for choosing your own way.
Awesome laurie!!!
I’m So glad for the fact that ‘you are you’
Thanks Dawny, Ditto – I’m just saying 😉
That was a very inspirational blog. And I bet any of us could have just switched out the names and honestly said the same things. It always amazes me how we all are mesmerized by the same old lies and mindsets. I loved what you said about “I still returned to being me.” That was a terrific example of what you and Alen were talking about on the podcast. For most of us it’s not about the food at all. It’s about being who we are, which most of us aren’t happy with. That’s where the lasting changes take place, when we learn to love and accept ourselves. I’m so proud of you for not digging out that scales!
And I know you’ve said this before, but it was still a wake-up call for me to hear it again: “…Robot Aliens, are what I call the automatic binge behavior that takes me away from subconscious uncomfortable feelings. Robot Aliens are the distractors and protectors from conscious discomfort.” There’s something about seeing our behavior in a different light that changes the playing field. My friend Christina did the same thing for me yesterday when she referred to my manuscript as a “project.” The word made a big difference in the way I was thinking about taking a break from writing. All of a sudden I wasn’t afraid to approach the feelings and deal with them.
This was a great post. Now I’m off to read your other one with Dr. Nina!
Hugs,
C~
I’m so glad that you are feeling better about your writing project! That is such exciting news. And sometimes, we can hear something ’til the cows come home and it just doesn’t sink in, or it floats back up! 😉 I’m sure this won’t be the last time the Robot Aliens come to call, but I’m happy that beating myself up over their visit doesn’t seem to be my modus operandi these days. Yesterday was really peaceful and I woke up today feeling pretty even tempered and my clothes are fitting better, even though I haven’t been consciously changing any amounts of food or types of food. I have been paying more attention though, and I’m thinking that may be my key to progress. “Is X adding to or honoring my conscious knowledge of myself or how I feel right now?” Because diet portions paid no attention to my feelings or my hunger. Exercise for calories burned the same. People pleasing activities again, not about honoring knowing my true feelings, perfectionism, not honoring myself as I am. This is a good thought for me. Thanks again for posting your thoughts, because once again, it gave me some good pondering. Hugs xoxoxoxoxoxox
Hi Laurie,
I’m sorry that I’ve been absent for a while. Life suddenly came at me like a freight train and I feel like I’m just barely hanging on! I really recognize your feelings in myself. That feeling of discontent and frustration that the binges have returned. I had no where near the length of abstinence that you did, but I was still pretty down. I’m sure the feeling is even worse after the amount of time that you had. I am so proud of you for taking yourself for a hike, getting in touch with your BCs and taking the time to figure out what felt right for you.
I just have to share with you my current motto. It is F— Junk Food! The Halloween madness hit me pretty hard, and the more candy I ate, the more junk food I wanted. When I realized that I felt awful (physically AND mentally) and that I was acting like someone I don’t want to be, I adopted this motto. Anytime I see junk food right now, I just think that in my mind and it is reminding me of that awful way I was feeling.
Although we are both having a hard time right now, I sure want you to know how much your podcast and blog help me out!
~Amy
Ahhh Amy, I’m sorry to hear it’s still been tough on you lately. I LOVE you motto though, it makes me laugh 🙂 And laughing is half the battle, don’t you think? I don’t believe I EVER had a binge in the middle of laughter. Thanks for letting me know that COD is helping you. It is so encouraging for me to hear. It’s funny, a lot of the time I DON’T want to share my quote “failures” unquote with the BCs, in case it will discourage them. But I find, that some of the best moments come after I come clean and the BCs share their stories and encouragements. One thing for sure, Intuitive Eating is a process, and it takes awhile AND it takes whoppin’ big leaps of trust. I go more to the http://intuitiveeatingcommunity.org site and read the comments there. There is a thread I think you might find comforting called caramels. Hugs Hugs Hugs
Wonderful post.
It’s great news to hear that you are standing your ground and being good to yourself. Good for you. I red *or is it read* your article with Dr. NIna. It’s great too. I wish you many more opportunities like this 🙂 xx
Thank you Stéfanie, in English, you would write read, but it is pronounced “red” in the past. Glad I don’t have to learn English 😉 Break’s over, back to voice acting practice for tomorrow’s class. So much to remember, but I love how concentrating on singing and/or voice acting takes me right out of the blue mood and into the realm of possibilities!
xoxoxox
Great blog, Laurie. I remember a past episode where you shared a more benign take on the Robot Aliens that I want to unearth. I don’t remember how you said it, but my take is that the Robot Aliens have an underlying mission to protect us. They operate under programming that helps us handle feelings, especially under stress, albeit sometimes that programming is outdated. I am not quite sure of the details of your last “alien invasion” but a little love from your Brave Companions can’t hurt. We love you, Laurie!
Hugs Sandy, thanks for dropping in with this support. The show you are thinking of is Day 55. And I still think the Robot Aliens are a coping mechanism vs. a horrible curse. I was so shocked because I hadn’t coped with their company in a pretty long time. It was good in a way, because it allowed me to go deeper and dig more, and as Dr. Nina would say, do emotional gardening pulling out some roots. 50 years of disordered thinking is a long time, so I’m cutting myself slack. Mainly, our society is overall in agreement that fat is bad, diets are right, and one should be on diets or wishing to be on diets if one is over the implied standard for fatness. Even fat, I fit in before, because I was WISHING to be thin and talking and thinking about diets. When one is trying to focus on acceptance, including weight, legalizing EVERY food (despite current trends) it feels at times very lonely. I think self-doubt and bubbling self-pressure were the roots of this last Robot Alien visit. Notice how is all begins with self. That’s what I need to explore now, what was going on externally and/or internally that led to the need for this lesson? And you are so right, Love is the answer to most things. Thanks for passing some along to me today. Love you too!
xoxoxoxo