Close up of writing group founder, Samantha, and me right after she read her story, the Collector, for the last show. As you can see from my hair style and outfit, I had no inkling that Sam would ask Mark to take photos for her. But then again, it was a good moment to remember, I am as I am, and it was FUN to spend time with Samantha in the studio. Why not remember it?
Last day to be part of COD History
When I wake up tomorrow, Aug 9, Pacific Daylight Time, that will be it. What I have in my email or what you’ve already sent will be the basis for the last show. If you can’t stand to not be part of that day, the easiest thing is to call the bravery hotline at (206) 350-6445 and say good-bye. Here’s the link to the other ways you can send audio. Thanks so much to those BCs who have already participated, and to those who have emailed or posted comments. xoxoxoxoxox
How Does It Feel for Me Being this Close to the End of my Show?
Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! I feel frantic, sad, crazy, hopeful, fat, fine, smoking’ hot, talented, lackluster, lonely, fueled with positive energy, drained of time and missing that Zen time with my trusty Roland-05 recorder. My new studio is fantastic, and the new mic gives great sound. But my trusty Roland will ALWAYS have my heart. It was the first mic that let me speak to the world. The mountain was my first sound studio. I think I feel like I would have graduating high-school – if I had liked even ONE DAY of high school! It feels like my life is significantly changing. The line in the sand is as wide as the Rubicon. I was a podcaster. I was a compulsive eater. I was a fat chick who wished with all of her heart to be a thin chick. Now I’m none of these (well I still wish with PART of my heart to be thinner), but it’s more like a fleeting thought vs. a consuming theme. Here’s some proof. One of the HARDEST things for me is to see unplanned photos of my thighs. But here one is!
It was a very hot day, and so we’re dressed for comfort not style. I put myself on the bravery report of allowing an unposed and non-controlled photo of my legs to be on this blog. I had a brief moment of grief that I’m not as young or petite as Samantha, but it flickered away in my greater sense of joy that we shared our creativity and that she made time out of her schedule to come record for our last show.
Body Image
Wow! Here I am in all of my glory. THIS is really what I look like most days at home. I’m ALWAYS hot (temperature-wise) so I pin my wild hair back, wear as little as possible – just enough to pass muster in case the doorbell rings, and have ice-water and fans going all the live long day. As you can see, I still weigh over 200 pounds, I’m still dimpled in places other than when I smile, and this photo would have NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY a year ago. Remember Christmas and the unexpected full body photo that sent me over the edge? That jean shot was such small potatoes compared to this full body view with leg skin showing. I have learned to let it go. To Samantha, this photo would be just what I look like. She would see nothing out of the ordinary with my appearance (darn it, I DO need to brush my hair now and again). It would be nothing more than a nice memory. She was SO excited to read her story. She was SO happy to see my new studio. She WANTED to be in a photo with me – not to prove she’s hotter in the non-temperature way, but to share the memory.
Life is Now. Don’t Miss The Moment
All of this has taught me a very important lesson. I need to do my best NOT to miss out on anymore memories or moments by focusing on what I think of my size/age/shape etc. It seems every day passes with one less person in it. Celebrities, politicians, people I grew up with, parents of friends, my friends themselves. I’m not morbid, but I realize more time is an illusion. We really only have today, this hour, this minute to say how we feel, to appreciate the beauty of the day, to taste what we love in more than just food ways. I do regret the years I spent in my cocoon of doubt and self-loathing, but I am oh so happy I woke up. And I wish that sense of self acceptance whatever your path, to each and every one of you, my dear BCs. I want nothing more than for you to relish your life, your specialness and to know yourself as I have learned to know you – awesome, talented, caring, juggernauts of the heart. Take THIS moment to know, I REALLY, REALLY care about you and even though I haven’t met 99.9% of the BCs, I still love you. I will never forget the time we shared. (And if I DID, I could listen to 120 reminders 😉 )
xoxoxoxox
Any thoughts on how today is making YOU feel?
Your stunning & beautiful as a person miss Laurie!!!! Your physical beauty you’ve shared so freely with us is an added bonus to let us share in the reality of you are beautiful inside & out!!! =~}
I LOVE the living in the here and NOW. There is NO time like the present!
Hugs Dawny, Thanks my friend! I can always count on you to give me that extra support during those fleeting fluffy moments. I am so happy for you that you too are enjoying smelling the roses, or the pancakes, as the case may be, without letting that take over your life while having fun enjoying your super cool little buddy, adventures and what life has to offer an amazing gal like you. xoxoxoxoxox
I wish us all self-acceptance too, in this era of self-promotion. This weekend as I was gone for camping, I realized that we want to tell the tale of our lives with pictures, but mostly, we prolongate our identity with the visual cues we create. Just like a piece of clothing or a type or car we drive, we like to show others what we consider important. Pics are NOT just us staging our lives, it’s us sharing with others in different communities, because we want to be part of a group, whether it is family, friends, online groups. Do you sometimes take a pic, already planning to share it? That thought reconciles me with this new selfie period that is hard to adapt when you are not satisfyied with our image.
I feel great joy when I go through my old pics as they are cherished memories of moments I felt were important enough to capture. As you say dear Laurie, why should we feel any different about people that want to cherish a moment with us in their pictured memories?
Stéfanie 🙂 xxx
Exactly Mon Amie! You know that I would be lying to say I feel no pang when a less than flattering photo of moi is taken – even by me. We have both proved that angle, lighting and other things can create a different image of the very same body at the very same time. What I’m fighting for, in myself, and in a small way against societal pressure, is to STOP the self absorbing need to appear perfect by my or other standards. That is the bottom of my photo angst. Perfectionism. (Not in any way laying that on others, you understand). There are times to appear your best in a photo. Wedding day, headshot, family portrait. But other times are random chances in life. In some we will look good according to our self judgement, other times not. But in some of those photos where WE don’t feel the best, often times other people do look their best, or the moment is so happy for them, they wish to have the souvenir. I’m trying very hard to integrate the notion that my body appearance isn’t as meaningful as the time spent. Of course, if I can pick from several to display on IG or my blog or FB, no need to pick the most horrendous view of myself to make a point. If my reason is to update my friends and relatives about what I’m doing, then that is the thing. If I’m illustrating my blog post, that is another thing. In this case, Samantha wanted photos to post to our writing group page as the writers were very excited to be recorded for the last show. I debated for a few seconds within whether to ask her to NOT post me in my messy, unprepared glory. But then, I realized, they ALL KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE. And strangers who may judge – F THEM! I am the worst critic of myself I think. After I decided to be brave and wear my ‘big girl panties’ a weird thing happened. The photo stopped looking so awful. It became more neutral to me, and I remembered more the joy of recording and my gratitude that my writing buddies would go out of their way to be part of our last show. Wow Mon Amie, your comments are SO good for me. Thanks so much. I have a blog post here in my reply, but I’m off to work on my voice acting with my coach, so the thought will have to remain here. xoxoxoxoxoxo